


Black, White And Blue

by Caro_Evomad1



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Complicated Relationships, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family, Friendship/Love, M/M, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love, Trust, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-04-24 08:18:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 63,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4912129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caro_Evomad1/pseuds/Caro_Evomad1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This developed from a prompt from Sara on AO3 to do a domestic violence fic.<br/>I decided to challenge myself for it to be between Chrissie and Robert, but with Robert as the victim. The story potentially goes way beyond what Sara originally was thinking of, because as it developed in my head, it turned into a full-on abuse story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Andy

**Author's Note:**

> The main difficulty was how do you get a person like Robert mentally to a place where he basically stops fighting back. It took me a long time to decide how I wanted to write this and I suppose the only way I'll know if I've managed to make this anywhere close to believable, is from your feedback. There is a very specific reason why Chrissie is so unhinged, which becomes clear in later chapters.
> 
>  **One time warning** : Throughout this story depicts domestic abuse, including physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I won't be putting any chapter specific warnings. For anyone who has read my previous two fics, you know my writing style by now. This is no different except that it gets very dark in places and is more graphic.
> 
> Katie is alive and married to Andy. There was no summer disaster, but Val went through with faking her death. I'm never sure on the nickname they use for Chrissie's son, but I don't like Lucky, so in this story he is Lachie.
> 
> I'm not sure it's appropriate to say I hope you enjoy, but if you have a dark and somewhat twisted imagination same as me, then you just might.

Robert - Jan 2016

_Dear Andy_

_I know we haven't always been close, but please believe that I love you. I always have and I always will. I don't know really where to start, but not everything with my life is what it seems and I really need your help. I'm sorry I didn't tell you in person, but I couldn't, I just didn't know how or if you would even believe me._

_Aaron is the only other person who knows. He wouldn't stop pushing me and got me to talk. If anything happens to me, then he's going to need help to make people believe him and I don't know who else to turn to._

_I'm writing this not knowing if I'll still be alive when you read it. I swear to you on Jack and Sarah's life this is the truth, all of it. The brother you think I am, he doesn't exist, it's all a lie. I don't know how to make it stop, everything I did just made things worse, until I don't know who I am anymore. I'm scared Andy, I don't know if I'm strong enough......_

\- * * * -

Robert - Beginning October 2015

"Did you miss me?" I give a big smile to my sister who runs around the bar and hugs me tight. You have no idea how good it feels, I don't want to let her go as she stands back, beaming at me. I knew I could count on her being happy to see me; Diane too, as I also see her coming round to give me a hug.

It's so weird being back in Emmerdale after all this time. I introduce my wife Chrissie and as Diane gets drinks, we tell them that we've moved into Home Farm. They both look pleased that I'm going to be back in the village, Diane ever the step-mum still trying to unite the family, "You never know Robert, maybe you could patch things up with Andy?" I don't answer, as I can't see that happening any time soon, but I appreciate that Diane doesn't ever give up on us.

I look over at Chrissie, who has gone to the bar with Diane for a fresh round of drinks; she's smiling warmly whilst chatting away. For a fleeting moment she looks like the Chrissie I first met and I find myself smiling at her, at the memory. Vic catches me and nudges my arm, "Well Robert, you seem to have landed on your feet, married and living up in the big house. Can't be bad."

I smile at her as we walk over to the bar, "Well Vic, it just took leaving Emmerdale behind to meet the woman of my dreams."

Chrissie puts her glass of wine down on the bar, smiling as she wraps her arms around me. She's in a playful mood, "And don't you ever forget it Robert Sugden."

Andy and Katie walk in just at this moment. There's a curt hello between me and Andy; Katie just ignores me, but I can see her curiosity about Chrissie. I introduce Chrissie to them both, Katie is bristling already. It's worth being here, just for the look on her face seeing the two of us together and that we're now in Home Farm. I can see Diane looking at us all despairingly.

It's clear some things don't change despite my being away ten years. Katie and Andy hate me, Vic and Diane just wish we would all get on and I wish I was somewhere else.

.

Chrissie is on form, but not necessarily charming all the locals with her winning personality. For once it makes a change for some of the regulars to be getting worked up about someone other than me when I'm in here, but I'm sure I'll cop an earful when I'm on my own; she is my wife after all.

Nicola had sidled up a while ago, clearly wanting to find out if we are planning to use the house ongoing as a venue for shoots and hospitality and therefore needing an office assistant. Chrissie has been toying with her for a good few minutes, forcing Nicola to come right out and ask before saying, "What was your name again?"

"Nicola, Nicola King." Nicola is turning a shade of red, becoming increasingly flustered by the conversation.

"Well Nicola." Chrissie pauses to take a quick drink of her wine, almost shamelessly flashing her big diamond solitaire that I bought a couple of years ago for our engagement. "Would you like a bunch of strangers making merry all over the place in your home?"

"Well no, but everyone who's owned Home Farm in the last few years has run it as a business one way or another, so I just presumed...."

Chrissie interrupted, "As you'll find out Nicola, we're not everyone. We don't need the money from yet another business, this is our home." She looks at me teasing and pushes against me, "I'm sure we'll be having enough fun and games all of our own, won't we Robert?" I put my arm lovingly round my wife's waist playing along with her as Chrissie turns back towards Nicola, "though, I suppose there's a cleaner's job going if you fancy that?"

The look on Nicola's face is a picture at this, "No need to be like that I'm sure. I was just enquiring," as she walks back to Jimmy at their table, clearly offended. I smile to myself knowing that he will be getting an earful for the rest of the night; Nicola always did like to have something to complain about.

Katie also enquired about the stables, but Chrissie nipped that in the bud a lot quicker. "Like I said to Nicola over there, this will be our home, not a business." She added, sounding intentionally innocent, "You don't want the cleaner's job though, do you?"

By the time we left the pub, there was definitely plenty for everyone to gossip about; my wife having left various impressions on the locals.

.

Robert - End October 2015

I'd called round to see Diane whose been struggling since Val passed away and had lost track of the time a little, enjoying being away from Home Farm. When Chrissie called to say she was on her way home, I told her I was at the pub and she said she'd pick me up.

The car door slams after we arrive back to Home Farm and Chrissie storms into the house in a mood. I take a deep breath, get out of the car and follow her in. We moved to Emmerdale just about a month ago, but it feels like a lifetime already. It was hard to hide the truth before we came here, but in a village where people and family have memories of what I used to be like and know me well, to hide it all from them is exhausting. Over the months she's worn me down to where it feels like I have nothing left to fight her with and it's getting worse. Maybe, just maybe, being back here will give me the courage to find a way out somehow.

Chrissie's father, Lawrence, bought us Home Farm as a kind of a peace offering. The Whites have no other family ties and he felt guilty having suddenly decided, six months back, to sell the machinery business and retire to Portugal with his new wife. I think he thought it would be good for us to get closer to my family with him not being around anymore. Chrissie wanted to move, just not here, but she was forced to go along with it so as not to rock the boat with daddy dearest. She knew I didn't want to come back either and that I don't get on with my brother, so she probably thought it could be another way to torment me if nothing else.

.

Standing in the kitchen, Chrissie is still ranting as she opens what will probably be her first bottle of wine of the night. She slams the glass down on the breakfast bar so hard I thought it might break. "You should have said no, Robert. How do you think it looks you slumming it, serving behind the bar of the village pub. I mean really, this is not what I expect from my husband." She glares at me whilst pouring herself a large glass.

I consider my words carefully, so as to not to provoke her. I turn on my charm smile, not over-doing it, as I move to stand behind her. I put my hands around her waist and nuzzle into her neck, "Diane asked for our help. After losing Aunt Val she's not found it easy and just needs to get away." Diane and Doug are going on a three month cruise to get away from everything for a while and she asked me to cover the woolpack for her. I'd actually offered, initially as a joke, but then I encouraged the idea. That part Chrissie does not need to know. I kiss Chrissie's neck softly in just the place she likes most, "It's a good way to show everyone we are part of the village, our community spirit and all that. You know what it's like with the local gossips and busybodies in a small place like this. They all know I'm not working, it would soon get round if I'd said no. This way it keeps us in with the locals."

Chrissie muses a while, deciding if she wants to go along with my reasoning, "Mmmh, just make sure you don't bring the common touch back home with you. I 'm not particularly sure I want to be 'in' with the locals, but I suppose Diane is family of sorts." She takes a big drink of her wine, finally giving her blessing. Putting her glass down, she turns round and puts her arms around my neck, the loving wife, "Go on then, I suppose it can't hurt." Chrissie smiles at me seductively and her hands start to wander down my front, moving to tease lower down, "how about I let you show me some of that community spirit?"

I smile and kiss her, "Is it okay if I go have a shower first? Then you can have whatever your heart desires." We kiss again, this time deeper and I let it linger and I feel her start to relax against me.

"Don't be too long, we can make an evening of it in front of the fire," she kisses me once more, letting her arm drag down my back as I move away from her in the direction of the staircase.

.

Upstairs under the shower, I wash the day away. I lean against the wall with my eyes closed; the water feels good as it hits my body. Today in general has been a good day, but these are getting fewer and fewer. I give her sex when she wants it, playing the role of the loving husband; it helps keep her more stable, but there is no love anymore. She deludes herself completely, like tonight, when she decides she wants to sleep with me that there is something between us still, but especially after the times when she completely loses it. It makes her feel better, lets her convince herself that the life we have is normal. It's all part of the game we play.

It didn't used to be like this. When we got together, I'd already been working a couple of years for her father, Lawrence. He owned a multi-million pound machinery business at the time. Everything was going really well, I'd just got promoted to become his number two when I met Chrissie at a party at their house. She was fun and strong willed, it was never dull with her; we made a good couple. Though when I moved in with her, it was a bit odd living in the same house as my boss, it worked. We'd all been living together four years before it all started to change about twelve months ago.

.

About fifteen months ago Lachie, Chrissie's teenage son, had his last lot of problems being inappropriate with a teaching assistant at school and it had gone to court. He'd had trouble before, but nothing on this level. It had been all the gossip locally where we lived and it had been really difficult at home. Chrissie had so wanted to believe him but in the end she found out he had lied after eventually admitting to her that he was guilty. He knew exactly what he was doing and had shown no signs of being sorry. He got away with it by the skin of his teeth in court. It had taken its toll on all of us, but especially Chrissie who fell to pieces with it all. Finally she couldn't stand to be around him and sent him away to boarding school. She couldn't believe that he would do such a thing and then blatantly deny it to her face for all that time.

Chrissie accused me of not being supportive and taking the school's side, but it had become clear that Lachie was lying and in the end even she had to admit he was guilty. I thought though, with Lachie gone to boarding school, we would get past it and things would slowly get back to how they were before; but this is when the drinking had started to become more noticeable. Things started to get worse between us, not better.

.

It hadn't helped, at the same time all this was happening, that Lawrence moved out to live with his new girlfriend. Chrissie did not like her one little bit and she had made no bones about it. At home, it didn't matter what I did, it was wrong; she had started to become more moody, possessive and controlling. It had been so subtle at first, small things that on their own you would hardly notice. As it started to get worse, I suggested counselling, but she accused me of looking for a way out of the relationship and having affairs behind her back. We didn't sleep together as much and then when we did, it was rougher; she was hardly interested in me, as long as she got what she needed. The love between us was dying and she was changing. The fun loving, driven Chrissie I knew was disappearing.

If I'd left at this point, I would have been free, but I loved Chrissie and I hadn't wanted to give up on us. I mean Chrissie is beautiful, we lived in a big house, nice cars; we had everything a person could want. I thought we could find a way to get the love back, but I have never been so wrong. Before all this, I would have laughed at being told I would be trapped in a marriage, too scared to leave, but that's exactly what I am. This kind of thing happens to other people, people who are weak-willed, not someone like me; but fear is a very powerful emotion.

.

Lawrence leaving to retire in Portugal six months ago pulled the rug from under both our feet. He had sold the business and the new owner would run it with his son, so I was out of a job and Chrissie was now going to be without both Lachie and Lawrence in her life. Before he left, I tried to tell Lawrence and get him to help about the drinking, but he didn't believe me and Chrissie covered it well. She convinced him that she was fine and I was putting everything out of proportion, worrying about nothing. Lawrence wanted to believe her, it made it easier for him to leave. This all just made things worse between us at home when she found out I'd gone behind her back to him.

After Lawrence left, her mood swings got more frequent and she'd get really aggressive; we would have blazing rows and then she started to lash out. At this point, I'd had enough, I packed my bags and told her I was leaving. She lost it totally, yelling and screaming at me that I wasn't going to abandon her or let her down like all the other men in her life. This is when she told me what she'd done. Two things became clear that night, she would go to any lengths to protect her secrets from Lawrence and she would never let me leave.

.

Between spending all her time supporting Lachie and the drinking, she'd let her very successful business get into serious financial trouble. Over several months, she'd been stealing money from the machinery business to keep her business afloat. It was a lot of money, over a million, and it's my signature on the papers authorising the transfers. I don't how she did it, they're not forgeries, the signatures are real as far as I can tell. I didn't sign knowingly, but I can't prove that. Chrissie may have been an alcoholic already, but she had been smart enough to get my signature without me knowing and she's clever enough still to convince a judge it was all my doing and that she never knew where the money came from. She would play the poor wife who had got into a bit of a mess during a difficult family time and the ambitious husband had fixed it for her. Lawrence was in such a rush to start his new life, he clearly didn't check the books as well as he should have done. The business was still very profitable and when you earn so much money and aren't paying attention, I suppose you don't miss the odd million.

I've not been beyond doing some dodgy things in my time, but Chrissie is a whole new level. She's set me up and has pretty much made it so I can't leave and if I do, there'll be consequences. She showed me copies of all the documents approving the money transfers with my signature and there were also some other emails, that taken in a certain context would strongly indicate my intent. She has them filed with her solicitor, saying they would be released to Lawrence in the event of any separation or if anything were to happen to Chrissie under suspicious circumstances. He would believe Chrissie over me any day, he dotes on his daughter. I would get ten years in prison or more if convicted for this level of fraud. She had even made veiled threats against my family; the way she had looked at me, I knew she was serious and that she she had the right kind of connections from Lachie's father who wouldn't think twice as long as they were paid.

.

I still couldn't really believe at first though, just how serious she was. I had tried reasoning with her and when this didn't work, I had tried everything I could think of to get out; but the more I tried, the more she made sure I would regret it. I'd go for job interviews, but when anyone seriously considered hiring me, they received anonymous letters that I was abusive at home and suddenly the offers were retracted and she made sure the word was getting round locally so that I got looks and comments when I was out. She made it very obvious that she would stop me getting a job anywhere and in the end I stopped applying. She reads my mail, my emails and gets into my phone, it didn't seem to matter how often I changed my pin or passwords. I don't bother now, she can look at what she wants.

You don't expect the person you love to turn into a monster, but that's exactly what she's become. I didn't see it until it was too late and now I'm trapped. Chrissie would do anything to hold me to her by now and keep me under control. We might be Mr and Mrs Sugden on paper but the rest is all a lie. We sleep in separate bedrooms and she controls all the money. As we never had our own house before, we never bothered with a joint account and now I'm not working I hardly have a penny to my own name; I'd never been one to save for a rainy day. She forced me to get rid of the credit card and she gives me an allowance, just enough money that gives the appearance of normalcy to the outside world.

During a big row I had threatened to call her bluff and leave anyway; during which she'd fallen down the stairs, she was so drunk. The following day, I had my bag packed and was practically out of the door when the police came knocking. Chrissie had been to the police and made allegations against me, spinning a tale that I had pushed her, so now I've got a caution on police record. Chrissie knows the possibility of going to prison scares me and I know she wouldn't hesitate to tell the police again that I'm the one abusing her. I've never once raised a hand to her in retaliation, but if I ever did, I'm not sure I could stop myself. It was amazing how the police bought everything she'd said that time, they didn't believe me at all. She was the one covered in bruises and I'm physically bigger and stronger. It had made it clear to me just how easy it would be for her to take it a level further if she wanted. Who would believe me? You can't imagine ever being in this position, but it is scarily easy for her to convince a lot of people about things that just aren't true; she is an exceptionally convincing liar.

.

She's becoming completely unhinged, almost like Jekyll and Hyde with her moods, whether she's hurling abuse at me or hitting out. She seems to be angry a lot more since we moved here and this is when she lashes out the most. She's started leaving marks that can't be covered up, but with me working in the Woolpack, she knows she'll have to be more careful; this doesn't make her any the less dangerous though.

I don't care if I go to prison now, I just need to find a way to get out, that or kill myself; but until now the threat that she would hurt my family has stopped me doing either. Since moving back here, the one thing that might save me is if I can find a way to tell them; but every time I try when I'm with Diane or almost go to see Andy for help, I stop. I have no proof and I just don't know how to tell them. I don't know how I can get them to believe me, it's so different to the Robert they think they know. Would they really ever be able to see how alone and afraid I really feel?

TBC


	2. An Unlikely Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert starts to work alongside Aaron in the Woolpack.

Aaron - End October 2015

"You've got to be kidding me?" I look at mum to make sure she's not. "Robert Sugden working here for three months. How come I don't get a say in this, seeing how I'm covering your shifts for you? Mrs I've done my back in and can't walk." I am completely un-amused. The little I've seen of Robert Sugden, he seems right up his own arse and now she expects me to work with him.

Mum is actually in a lot of pain. She's been having back problems for a while which got worse and after seeing the consultant finally she has to have an operation. She can hardly stand at the moment, never mind lug crates around and change barrels, so I've done a deal with Debbie to reduce my hours at the garage and I'm covering for her at the Woolpack. Working with Diane would have been fine. Working with little lord Fauntleroy, definitely not my idea of fun.

The thing is, I actually think mum is enjoying this. She can't stand Robert at all from what I can tell, not really sure why, but she definitely doesn't like him and is finding it highly amusing that it's now me that will have to work with him and not her.

"Oh Aaron, it won't be that bad love and it is only for a few weeks until I have my operation." I frown at her, the consultant had said it would take a while after the operation before she would be able to start working again and she knows it. It sounded to me more like she wouldn't be working until after Diane is back from her trip.

"Mmmmh, you owe me big time for this." I can see her smiling, she has that glint in her eye whilst I sulk with my mug of tea.

.

Aaron - Week One November 2015

I've been showing Robert how to change all the barrels and where everything is kept in the cellar. I've never met anyone who asked so many stupid questions, that by the time we've done, he'd well and truly wound me up. Patience is not my strong point, so that together with finding him quite annoying in general is not putting me in the best of moods. Walking up out of the cellar, I manage to hold my tongue as I hear mum shouting out at me, "Aaron love. Don't forget to put the washing in will you?"

I see Robert grinning at me, "She got you running round doing all the cleaning and vaccing as well?"

I retort back to him, "You can clean the bogs whilst I go see to her ladyship. Unless you want to be handling my mother's knickers?"

He grins at me, "Naw thanks, I'll take the bogs."

I go and sort the washing out and make a brew. Unsurprisingly Mum is finding it all very entertaining, sensing that I'm not too happy, "So how's he doing?"

"Alright, s'pose." I go to the sofa with my tea and pick up the paper for a quick read before we open, "I've got him cleaning the bogs."

My mum looks at me suspiciously, "You do remember that Tracey's coming in to do the cleaning, just a bit later than usual?"

"Oh is she? I forgot."

Mum smirks at me, "Mmmmh, play nice Aaron."

I look up from the paper and grin at her, "I always play nice mum." We both laugh at hearing Robert, he doesn't sound too impressed with cleaning the gents; I know from experience it's not the most pleasant of jobs.

.

When Andy and Katie come into the bar later after work, it's the first time they've been in since Robert started working here a few days ago. He's just coming back to start the evening shift when Andy sees him, "Don't tell me he's working here?"

I grimace, "Yep, covering for Diane whilst she's away."

Katie says, "Be careful he doesn't leave you in the lurch, not particularly one for hard graft, Robert Sugden." I pull Andy's pint and get Katie her wine and watch them go over to join Moira and Cain.

Although him being here is annoying, I actually can't complain, Robert has pulled his weight and more since he started. He's quieter than I expected as well, not half as mouthy as I'd seen him be out in the village or when he's been drinking in the pub. I find myself staring at him sometimes, he has this look and I really can't help myself. I also couldn't help noticing earlier this morning after the brewery delivered and we were sorting out the cellar, that he has a very nice behind. Thinking about it makes me smile to myself, I suppose there have to be some perks of him being here.

Paddy comes in and starts chatting to me, but he catches me staring at Robert serving. He laughs at me, "Like what you see you?"

I hadn't realised I was so obvious and I blush as I go to pull Paddy's pint, "Don't know what you mean."

"Aha. Can't kid me Aaron, I saw you looking. You do know he's married to a rather gorgeous looking, not to mention rich woman."

"Drop it Paddy, I have to look to somewhere."

"Mmmmh," he props his head up by his arm resting at angle on the bar grinning at me like a cat that got the cream, "straight at Master Sugden's pert backside."

I retort, annoyed at Paddy catching me out, "You want to drink this pint or wear it?"

He sniggers at me, "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

.

Aaron - Week Two November 2015

Robert is down in the cellar when I see Chrissie walk in, "What can I get you?"

"My husband would be a start." She doesn't seem to be in the best of moods.

"He's just changing a barrel, he won't be long. You want a drink whilst you're waiting?"

Chrissie seems overly irritated at him not being here, tapping her finger nails on the bar top, "I suppose so. I'll have a dry white wine." She doesn't come in very often, but I've noticed she's not too hot on please and thank yous. I put her wine on the bar as Robert walks back in. His expression changes just for an instant when he sees her, but quickly smiles and goes over to her. I go to serve Adam and get chatting to him, but I find myself half watching and listening to Robert and Chrissie talking.

Robert can tell she doesn't look to be in the best of moods, asking warily, "You have a good day?"

"If you can call having to fire a incompetent and insolent salon manager a good day, then yes, I suppose I've had a good day." Chrissie glares at Robert, "You going to be long? I haven't eaten yet and it would be nice to spend some time with my husband at home once in a while."

Robert picks up a menu, "Why don't you eat here, Vic can make you something if you want?"

She gives him such an odd look, as if eating in the Woolpack is beneath her, her tone scathing, "I'll give it a miss I think and order in, the Woolpack is hardly my kind of place, but I'm sure you feel just right at home." She downs the last of her wine in one, "Don't be late Robert." I can't quite gauge the look on his face when she leaves, but it's not quite the look of a happy husband and that conversation was not that of a happy marriage.

.

The next day we're tidying up in the main bar, getting ready for opening and Robert's watering the plants. I've been enjoying winding him up with all the little instructions that Diane left with us, "Don't forget Diane's wonder feed and you have to spray all the leaves with the water, you know how she likes shiny plants."

Robert turns and grins at me as he comes over to get the water spray from the top of the bar. Before I realise it, he's spraying it in my direction. I duck down under the bar, but when I come back up, I'm armed with the soft drinks gun and am soon firing back with soda water.

He's laughing at me as he quickly moves out of range, "Okay okay you win." He comes round into the bar holding his hands up and starts to fill up the water sprayer, this time to actually go spray the plants. He smirks at me, "That was cheating."

I get a couple of tea towels and start drying down the bar grinning at him, "Well, you shouldn't start something you can't finish." I start to dry down the top of the bar and reach round him to get the last of the water and my elbow knocks against him by accident. Robert pulls back so sharply, that he takes me a little by surprise and I apologise, "Sorry."

He gives a quick smile, "It's okay." With the spray bottle full, he goes back into the main bar area and starts sorting out all the plants as per Diane's instructions. I watch him, but he's avoiding looking at me. I could have sworn I saw him wince when I caught him, he covered it quick, but he definitely winced.

He came back to the bar and I look over to him, "I'm going to make a brew. You want one?" He nods and I look at him carefully a minute, "Everything alright?"

He was smiling at me, but his tone was defensive, "Yes, why shouldn't it be?"

I brush off the feeling I have as I follow him through the back to make a drink. I find myself watching him more closely all day, but he's his same usual self and in the end I reckon I must have been imagining things. I am very aware now, that I have a thing for Robert Sugden, but obviously he's not into guys and there's the whole wife thing. Though I don't know what he sees in her other than the money, she seems a right stuck up cow.

.

We're closing up and Chrissie is supposed to be here by now to collect Robert, but she's not turned up and didn't answer when Robert called her, "You want me to give you a lift up home?"

He hesitates, but then nods, "I'll leave Chrissie a message. It's not like her not to pick up."

We get into my car, it's quiet between us, "So you have a son then I heard, Lachlan or something?"

Robert shakes his head, "He's Chrissies, fourteen year old."

"Not yours then?" I look across at him.

"Nope, definitely not mine." It doesn't sound as though they are close from his tone.

"So where's he living then, with his dad?"

"Boarding school, he's a bit of a handful and he got out of control, so she packed him off to boarding school." Robert stares out of the window.

I can't imagine Robert being father to a teenager somehow, "I can relate, well not to boarding school obviously, but the out of control bit. I used to be a trouble causer when I was younger."

He turns to look at me and I see him studying me a little, "Not like Lachlan I bet."

He goes quiet as we drive up to the entrance of Home Farm and I stop the car just outside the door, "Home Sweet Home Mr Sugden."

He doesn't say anything and he doesn't move either, he's just staring up at the house. I feel a bit awkward when he still doesn't move after a bit, "Night then." Robert jumps a little, the sound of my voice seemingly pulling him out of his thoughts.

He unbuckles his seat belt, "Yeah, night Aaron." He gets out and I watch him go into the house. I'm glad I don't have money like they do, it doesn't seem to make them happy. I drive off and go back home to bed, they're long days at the moment; between the garage and the pub, I'm knackered.

.

Aaron - Week Three November 2015

I'm coming down the stairs as Robert walks through the door and follows me into the back room. I'm feeling quite grumpy already, "Mum is driving me nuts. At this rate, she's not going to be alive for her operation." I see Robert is amused watching me grumble, clattering around the kitchen, "Don't laugh. Chas Dingle....., not an easy patient. Maybe you want her for a while?"

He stopped laughing at me, "No thank you. Your mum never did like me."

"Why is that again?"

"You really don't want to know," I look at him bemused.

"Well now you've said that, I'm intrigued," but he doesn't answer me and goes into the bar. I follow him carrying clean bar runners and tea towels, "Come on then, spill. You can't say that and not tell me."

He smiles, "Mmmmh, not exactly what you want to hear probably."

"Well I won't know until you tell me." I'm putting the bar runners out and setting up the spill trays as he sorts out the table and chairs after Tracey cleaned the floors earlier.

"I turned her down and she didn't take it too well."

I stop what I'm doing and pull a face, "Ewww, you're right I didn't want to know."

He finishes pulling the last of the chairs down, "Plus now she's mates with Katie and co, obviously all that's not helping either."

"I did hear something." Actually I'd heard a lot from various sources, but Robert Sugden is turning out to be very different to what I'd heard.

I'm being nosy now, "So how did you meet Chrissie then?"

He comes round the back of the bar and starts sorting out all the taps and nozzles, "Worked for her dad, we got together a few years back."

"She seems a bit like hard work if you ask me."

Robert doesn't look up as he's playing with one of the nozzles on the beer tap that won't go on properly, "She gets stressed with work sometimes."

I realise he has the wrong nozzle and pass him the right one which goes on straight away, "So what did you do for her dad then?"

Robert finishes and leans against the sink, "Looked after the sales side of his machinery business. I was good at it, until he sold up and retired to sunny Portugal with his new wife."

"Alright for some." I start to unload the glass washer and hand him the glasses to put where they belong, "You looking for a new job though I suppose?"

"Nope, not yet anyway. Thought it would be good to have some time off," he smiles at me, "build some bridges with the family and the like."

I stop and look at him, "How's that working out for you?"

He looks back at me, "Well, let's see. My step mums on the other side of the world to try and get over my aunt dying. My brother hates my guts and my sister is ever the optimist that one day we'll all get on."

The look on his face makes me regret asking. I replace the empty vodka on the optics, "Sorry, I didn't mean to rub it in."

Robert shrugs, "Don't be. Complicated family crap."

I can't seem to help myself this morning, I'm interested to know more about him, "Is that why you left?"

Robert didn't seem to mind my prying, "Part of it. I just couldn't be the person I wanted to be in Emmerdale."

Robert doesn't really come across as the farmer type I suppose. I stand and think about my dad an instant, "I don't get on with my dad, not seen him for years."

Robert looks at me; now he's the curious one, "You want to see him?"

I huff, "Nope, he probably wouldn't want a bar of me anyway."

He comes and stands my me, "Why not?"

"Oh a little matter of being gay, getting into trouble with the law, helping my boyfriend to kill himself....," I look at him not sure how much he knows about my past, "I could go on. Let's just say I'm not the ideal son."

"Yeah well, I didn't get on with dad much either." I look at him, "Andy had more in common with him, the farm and all that; I wasn't really interested. I suppose that's why I messed around so much. I kind of had a reputation in the village."

I grin at him, "I heard, so how many did you work through? Excluding my mum of course, who you turned down."

He grins back at me, "A few." He nudges my arm playfully, "Anyway, you can't talk. I've seen you coming back in a taxi a fair few mornings. I'm sure you have fun when you're out on the pull." He turns and makes fun of me, putting his hands on my face, gently moving it side to side a little and pulling a face at me like you do with a baby, "Such a little cutie like you." He stares at me a moment and then continues into the bar.

I pull a face back at him, but I can't help blushing. His touch was electrifying and his eyes, wow. I really have to stop this because I'm having a lot of thoughts I shouldn't be having about Robert Sugden. I'm finding him more and more attractive, which is getting me all kinds of hot and bothered.

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Aaron - Week Four November 2015

The more we get to know each other, the more fun we have working behind the bar together. Robert's relaxed quite a bit since he started a few weeks ago, especially when it's just the two of us. He keeps taking the mickey whenever I have to keep going to sort stuff out for mum, but a few times now he's offered to help out. I say no, she'd give me too much earache if I did that. After the last time of running up and down the stairs for her, I knock my head against the top of the bar. It's quiet, late afternoon; Robert's not supposed to be working, but he took pity on me after dinnertime to let me go out for some fresh air after mum was doing my head in. I've only been back an hour and have been summoned twice already. I look at him in despair, "Are you sure you don't want to swap mums? I'll have Diane, you can have my mum."

He comes over and stands next to me, leaning his elbows on the bar, resting his hand on his chin tilting his face towards me. His eyes sparkle in amusement, "Where would be the fun in that, I get to enjoy watching you all frustrated."

His eyes are piercing into mine, the look between us is only broken by Edna and Pearl coming in for their tea-time tipple. Robert puts his hand on my back as he moves to serve them and grins back at me, "Your usual ladies?"

.

When I'm not serving, I watch him all evening, I can't get the feeling of his hand on my back earlier out of my mind. Friday night always gets quite busy and then later on when the younger ones have gone into town, it quietens down with just the usual lot. I can understand why he was good at sales. He's good with people and has a natural banter. People in the village are also beginning to soften towards him, well except for a few like Katie and Andy who still clearly have a problem with him.

Paddy has been winding me up the last half hour, telling me it's time I found myself a boyfriend. I find myself blushing and try to turn the conversation to something else, but Robert and Rhona encourage Paddy even more. Robert knows he's adding to my embarrassment as he chips in with his two-penneth, making Rhona and Paddy laugh at my discomfort. I'm tired and when they all push a little too far, I snap back at them. Paddy and Rhona look a little contrite and decide to go home at this point; they are the last ones in anyway so I go and lock the front door behind them. Robert is clearing the tables, but he catches my arm as I pass. He's smiling still, but he looks sincere when he apologises, "Sorry."

I pull away from him, still irritated, more with myself for letting them wind me up, "What for?"

He watches me stomp back round the bar, "I didn't mean to wind you up quite so much. I can't help myself sometimes."

I start to relax as I wipe down the bar surface, "You didn't, Paddy's just as bad. Not everyone wants to settle down and do the whole marriage thing you know. I just don't think I ever will."

.

He comes over to the bar with the final lot of glasses and then walks round, standing close to me and he takes me by surprise, "You will. One day Aaron, you'll meet someone who loves you very much and you'll love them just as much back."

It's been a long day and I'm tired, I look at him sadly, "What if I've already had that? I mean I screwed it up so badly in the past, what if I don't get another chance?"

We're looking at each other as he quietly answers, "We all get a second chance Aaron, you just have to take it when it comes around."

For some reason, I suddenly feel really emotional. I look away and start to move away from him, but he won't let me. He's seen the tear rolling down my cheek, "It's hard Robert, sometimes life is hard. I don't know why anyone would want to love me like that."

Robert brushes the tear away with his hand and places his hands on my face, still staring straight into my eyes, "Aaron, you have so much to give. You might complain all the time, but you keep running up and down those stairs helping your mum. You work hard and you care about things, you care about your friends and your family. Why wouldn't anyone not want to love you?"

I don't know what to say to him, I want to pull away from him, but I don't. I let my head drop a little embarrassed at him seeing me like this, I don't know why I've got so emotional with him. Robert suddenly pulls me gently to him and he hugs me, wrapping his arms around me. I hesitate, but I put my arms around him and I feel myself relax into him; it feels good to hold onto him. It's been ages since I held someone that isn't family or Paddy, to really hold someone and it mean something. Being with Robert like this makes me feel things I haven't felt for a long time.

We're interrupted by banging on the back door and we pull away from each other, "That'll be Chrissie." He goes to put his coat on, "I'll see you tomorrow Aaron." I follow him out into the corridor, I nod hello to Chrissie after he opens the back door. He stops a moment and turns back to look at me before walking outside, "Night Aaron."

.

I go and sit on the bottom of the stairs, quietly pondering for a while. It's subtle, but it's there. Something is slowly happening between us. I just don't know if, for Robert, it's a strong need for friendship or something else. I've been working with Robert now most of November and it's clear he's lonely. I've never heard anyone mention he had a thing for guys and I could be reading him all wrong, but the way he was with me just now and how he looked at me when we were talking; it's not how you look at a friend or a brother, it was completely different.

TBC


	3. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chrissie starts to try and isolate Robert from his family and the village.

Robert - Week One December 2015

Katie is sat at a table with the usual crowd, she's been trying to wind me up all night. I've switched off mostly. It is obvious that some of her friends had been asking more about me, because she's now walking them through the list of people I'd slept with and relationships I'd ruined, never mind it all happened more than a decade ago when I was a stupid teenager. He's not letting on, but I know Aaron's been listening to them. I don't want him to hear all the sordid details of my past; listening to her bring it all back up, it almost feels like they are talking about a different person.

Katie comes up to order a fresh round, "So Robert, still not got a real job then, happy to sponge off the wife? You never did like real work, always too busy screwing around." I can see her grinning at Aaron, almost as though he was supposed to back her up.

I keep calm, but can't resist a retort, "What can I get you Katie? Unfortunately I'm off the menu. You used to keep coming back for more if I remember rightly, before and after you married my brother."

Katie glares at me, "I picked the right brother in the end though. I pity you with that frigid stuck up snob at Home Farm, she can have my seconds any day."

She catches the look in my eyes, "What Robert? Aawww, married bliss not all it's cracked up to be?" She laughs, pleased with herself deciding to rub it in further, "We'll have the same again please barman, you can bring them over. Shame you've got nothing better to do until wifey comes to get you for a servicing. Does she know you used to be a mechanic?"

I feel Aaron behind me and his hand resting on my shoulder, "I'll get these." He sneaks a look at me before turning to Katie, "That's enough Katie."

I just stand there staring at her laughing away with her friends, I can see Aaron glancing at me whilst he gets their drinks. I had let her win, I would never have let her win like this before. The night gets worse as I see Andy come in, he's on form giving me the hard stare all night and Chrissie just tops it off when she arrives. I hear the sniggers at Katie's table and I can tell Chrissie's already had a few to drink. It's not obvious to anyone else, but I can see it.

"Did you sort out the contractor or did you forget as usual?" I am still distracted watching Andy and Katie, thinking how different everything could have been. Not that I want to be with Katie, I don't but we could have avoided all being enemies which is what we are now. Chrissie's irritation at me ignoring her is clear in her voice, "Robert, I'm talking to you."

I turn to look at her confused, "What?"

"You never listen. You spend your days doing nothing, I mean you can hardly call this work, can you?" She's raising her voice so the whole pub can hear her having a go, "Useless, just useless. I ask you to do one simple thing and you can't even do that right."

I'm aware we've now become the entertainment, with everyone watching on, "Chrissie what are you talking about?"

"The bottom gate, did you call the contractor to have it walled up?"

I had been avoiding this. The gate has been used to allow access across the bottom fields for famers and horse riders for many years. It is not a right of way, but it was an understanding that has held over the years. I knew this would cause a lot of upset locally so I've been dragging my heels on it. I'd already paid the price a couple of times for trying to talk Chrissie out of it. I don't know why she's got so worked up about it, it's not as though anyone comes near the house. I think what did it is, she saw Katie on her horse the other week. She had taken an instant dislike to her from the day we arrived, probably because I was with her when we were younger. Typical, it's now Katie who speaks first, but to me and not Chrissie. I can see the look on Chrissie's face, "You can't do that. Robert that gate's been used by locals for years, you know that? It takes forever to go round by the road, all the farmers round here use it as a shortcut and plenty of the locals."

Chrissie glares at Katie, "Well dear, now it won't be. It's private land and will be used as such. Robert, I am expecting you to get that sorted. I want it closed off immediately, understood? Make sure you call them tomorrow, see if you can't make yourself bloody useful for once." Chrissie scans the pub disdainfully, "I'll take a bottle of red with me as well I think, actually make that two. You can walk home I presume?"

Chrissie is looking at me scathingly and Andy is staring at me angrily, "Well say something, or do you prefer to stick with that toffee nosed cow than your family and people you've known all your life." I look at Andy but I don't say anything and I can see his disappointment in me as waits for me to say something, "Robert?"

Chrissie pipes up, smug that I've sided with her, "Why should he? You've hardly welcomed us to the village now have you? I'm more his family than you'll ever be."

I feel cornered, in one fell swoop tonight, Chrissie has made it so I now have enemies everywhere. This will not be popular in the village or with anyone hereabouts. I pass Chrissie the two bottles of her usual red and turn to Aaron, "get Chas to take that off what I'm owed at the end of the week." I walk into the corridor and into the back room to collect myself. I'm so angry and ashamed that I'm shaking. I rest my hand against the wall, needing some peace a minute to recover, but I hadn't realised Chas was in here. I jump as she starts to have a go, her tone full of disdain, "Slacking again Robert? You're not due a break just yet are you. Bloody typical, you never were reliable, always skulking off letting others do your work for you."

I feel as though I've been run over by a steam roller by everyone all night, non-stop having a go. I haven't got the energy to say anything. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear, but I can't. Instead I walk straight back into the bar where I can feel the daggers from Katie, Andy and practically everybody in there. They had been expecting me to stick up for them and I hadn't, I hadn't said anything. I avoid looking at Aaron and glance at the clock. Two hours to go to closing, tomorrow won't be much better when I'll have to put up with the likes of Edna having a go. All the bridges I'd been trying to build since I've been working here to somehow connect to people for help, it's all gone, destroyed all so easily.

.

I cleared up the bar in record time after closing, practically blanking Aaron when he tried to talk to me and I had cut him off when he offered to give me a lift home; I just wanted to get out of there and be on my own. I tried to ignore the way he looked at me, I couldn't work out if it was pity or that he thought the same as everyone else. I've really started to enjoy spending time with him, it's surprised me how close we've become in a short space of time. I know I have feelings for Aaron, a whole mess of jumbled up feelings when I'm with him. He's become the one person I hold onto to keep me sane and now all that feels spoiled. He must think I'm a complete doormat.

I take my time walking home, the fresh air helping to relax me. I half expected some angry farmer to have followed me and try to run me off the road. Thankfully it doesn't look like Chrissie is up when I walk in the door and go through to the kitchen. I get a whiskey glass down and the bottle from the top cupboard. I pour a large glass and take a drink. "Hard day at the office dear?" I jump, not having seen Chrissie coming through into the kitchen, clearly the worse for wear. I see an empty wine bottle and an almost empty one and I can tell she's been smoking. She never used to smoke, but she's started recently. She plays with her lighter and then lights up another cigarette.

I look at her tiredly, "You didn't have to do that Chrissie."

She practically spits at me, "I can do what I damn well please. Don't you go telling me what I can and can't do."

I try one last time to reason with her, "The village have used that as a short cut for years, I told you if you do this everyone will have a grudge with us."

"Well I won't see them hardly, so that's not a problem. If you want to keep working at that manky pub, then you'll just have to put up with it won't you."

"I promised Diane I'd cover whilst she's away and I will."

"As you like then." Chrissie comes up to stand by the side of me, I can smell the alcohol on her breath. "Make sure you do it quietly though, I don't want any village resistance supported by you, is that clear?"

I take a drink of the whiskey and don't say anything. As she reaches for the wine bottle to re-fill her glass, she knocks over the whiskey bottle. I hadn't got round to putting the top back on and the whiskey splashes out all over the counter top, down the sides and over my arm. I don't move as she comes in close to my face, her voice is hard and menacing, "Are we clear Robert?"

I turn my head and glare at her, "Yes, we're clear."

"Good," and before I realise what's she doing, she flicks the lighter open and the flame lights the spilt liquid, the flames race along the trails of whiskey. Chrissie is already walking away as I grab a towel batting out the flames on my arm and the wood of the breakfast bar. I had reacted quick enough to stop the flames spreading, but I'm shaking from the shock of what she's just done and am almost sick from the smell; a mix of burning wood, skin and hairs from my arm.

Chrissie has stopped at the doorway into the hall, looking back at me, "Oops, sorry." There is not one ounce of regret either in her eyes or her voice as I look at her in horror. She just stands there laughing seeing the fear she has caused in me. "Oh yes, I forgot; you have a thing about fire," she turns and walks out, "Night night darling."

I turn the tap on and hold my arm under the lukewarm water. I can't stop the tears falling down my face. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to stop her. After about a half hour, I can see the blisters on my arm have formed. The burn is only on the surface but I'm not going to be able to hide it tomorrow.

.

I don't see Aaron as I walk into the pub, I'm a lot earlier than usual. I hadn't been able to sleep and in the end I'd given up trying. I need a distraction from the pain and irritation of the burn, which I constantly have the urge to rub. I glance up as Aaron walks into the back room, "Kettles just boiled, you want a brew?"

He comes over answering, "If you're making." I nod silently.

He puts some washing in and comes to stand by me. He nods down at my arm, "What did you do there then?"

"Nothing, stupid accident." I'd had to bandage my arm as some of the blisters had opened, but I hadn't the patience last night and doing it one-handed meant I had made a bad job of it.

"Come here and sit down, let me put a clean bandage on properly." I pull away, but he stops me and pushes me to the chair by the table as he goes to get the first aid box. I'm too tired to argue with him and I sit down.

When he removes the bandage, he looks at me but I stare doggedly down at the table. The burn is up most of my lower left forearm. He silently puts on a new bandage. After he is finished, he rests his hand on top of mine, "You going to tell me?"

I continue to ignore his stare and pull my hand away, "Like I said, just an accident." I can tell he is trying to work out if I'm telling the truth or not. I go make his brew and take my coffee with me into the bar. I keep my distance with him the whole day and I let everyone that wants to, take a pop about the access being walled up. I'm all alone in my own head, it's the only place I feel safe today.

.

It's been very quiet in the pub tonight, so Aaron had told me to come home early. Vic had been off with me, just as frustrated as everyone else, so I hadn't even bothered to eat to avoid getting another lecture. Although it didn't impact her, on behalf of the rest of the village, she had made her disappointment in me clear. When I get in, I just want to get something to eat quickly and then go to bed. I walk into the living room where Chrissie is watching some telly. She doesn't look up, "I called them, they'll do a quote tomorrow and reckon they can have it done pretty quickly. It won't take long."

Still not looking away from her TV programme, she says, "By the end of this week Robert, I don't want those nosey villagers on my land. Who knows where they might wander." I don't contradict her on the timing, but I'm pretty sure it won't be this week, or the fact that it's actually Lawrence's land and not hers. I take a look at what she's watching and turn to go back into the kitchen when suddenly there is a glass shattering on the wall, just in front of me. I stop and turn back to Chrissie, "Don't ignore me Robert. By the end of the week, got it? I'm sure you'll make it happen without any problem, what with your Sugden charm and all that." She turns back to her programme, "You can clean that up as well and get me a fresh glass will you. There's a nice bottle of Chablis open in the fridge."

I walk back into the kitchen and grab onto the counter to steady myself; the glass had literally only just missed my head as it flew past before hitting the wall. I have to stay still a minute to calm myself back down, but I don't take long before going to get her a new glass of wine and the dustpan and brush. If I keep her waiting it will just give her another excuse.

I've lost my appetite and don't bother with any food, I go upstairs to bed instead: I have never felt so alone in my life. I don't know how Chrissie got like this, I mean there was all that stuff with Lachie and I know she was close to Lawrence, but I don't understand how she got to this. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

TBC


	4. Tell Me You Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chrissie's enjoys her control over Robert and Aaron begins to see Robert is hurting.

Robert - Week Two December

I come down for breakfast still in my jamas. I had managed to get the gate walled up in my given time-line. The assistant at the contractors was easy to charm and I soon had her re-arranging the diary. So on the one hand Chrissie has switched to being all lovey dovey and happy at home and then on the other, apart from Aaron, everyone in Emmerdale pretty much treats me like enemy number one to some degree or another. I've managed not to rise to the bait, it's easier to let people have their say. They'll get bored eventually, but they're not going to forgive me anytime soon for not fighting their corner.

I thought Chrissie was leaving early today and I am looking forward to a nice quiet breakfast on my own, but when I walk into the kitchen she is sat drinking her coffee. She looks good, in her smart business skirt and silk blouse. She has her favourite perfume on, I used to buy it for her all the time. It used to make me want her, now it just makes me feel sick, "I thought you had meetings in Manchester?"

I go and get a mug and pour myself a coffee. "I do, but the start got moved back to one o'clock so we can go for dinner afterwards." She gets up and walks over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist, "So I won't be home until late." Since I got the wall done on time, she's been playing the wife, all needy for sex and I can tell she wants to play now. I take a drink of coffee as she tugs at the cord of my jama bottoms, looking at me seductively, expecting me to give her what she wants.

I can't stand her touching me and I grab hold of her wrists moving them away from me. I let go and move out of her way to put some distance between us. "No Chrissie. I don't want to." She must think I'm teasing her, playing hard to get because she just smiles at me still and sidles up-to me again and before I've even thought about it, I push her away from me. I push a little harder than I intended and she knocks back into the breakfast bar. Chrissie's expression changes in a flash and she comes at me angrily, shoving me back roughly against the wall and I retaliate. I grab her and swing her round so she is now pressed against the wall and I have my right hand wrapped round her throat. I am breathing heavily, not from the effort, but from the rage inside me and what I want to do to her. I want to kill her.

She's suddenly smiling at me, a twisted smile. Her eyes are glistening from the adrenaline and tension. Our eyes are locked in anger and my face is almost touching hers. She can see the battle going on inside me and she starts to taunt me, "Look at you, you want to, don't you? You want to squeeze with your hand," she scoffs at me, "but you won't Robert. We both know that you won't, because if anything happens to me and well, let's just say your family will pay a heavy price." I still don't let go and I can see she's enjoying this, "She's pretty, that little sister of yours, don't you think?" I feel my hand squeeze slightly tighter around her neck, but Chrissie is getting off on it, she's actually getting off on it. "It would be such a shame if anything were to happen to her. You would never forgive yourself."

I let go suddenly, but I don't move; our bodies are almost touching as I force myself to keep control. She's laughing at me; she knows she's won, she always wins, "Let me go Chrissie. I won't tell anyone what you did. You don't love me anymore. You're beautiful and smart, you could have anyone you want, someone to make you happy. Please Chrissie, just let me go, we will both be happier that way." I'm begging her. She stares at me quietly, almost pitying me.

"Why would I do that Robert? You're my husband. I might have failed at being a mother and a daughter, but I won't fail at keeping my husband by my side and you're wrong. I do love you, you're my family and I love you very much." Chrissie strokes her hand down my cheek, "I need you, I want us to be happy. It's important don't you think, holding together no matter what life throws at us?"

I feel like I'm dying inside, "You know you own me Chrissie. You don't need to hurt my family, I'll do whatever you want." I suppose it would be too much to ask, that she kills me so it finally stops and I'm free.

Her tone changes and she smiles sadistically, "You're right, I do own you don't I?" She pauses, savouring the moment, "I want you to show me, show me you love Robert. Tell me you love me."

I hate her with every fibre of my being, I turn my head and look away from her; I can't, I don't want to. Chrissie has pulled me to her and is pushing against me, her hand now rubbing my crotch. She knows exactly how to turn me on, even though my brain is screaming at my dick to ignore her hand and not get hard, I can feel her touch having the desired effect. "It doesn't have to be like this Robert. I mean we've always been good together. We still can be, all it needs is a little effort and commitment." I still refuse to look at her, she's delusional and twisted. She almost sounds like any normal loving wife after an everyday tiff; I think she actually believes what's she saying as she now slides her hand inside my jama bottoms and continues to work my dick, stroking and jerking.

She puts her free hand on my chin and turns my face back to her so she can look at me. She's smiling as her eyes bore into mine, "So very pretty, young Victoria. Imagine how she would be if anything were to change that?" I feel a tear fall down my cheek, "Tell me you love me Robert." I'm scared when I think about all the things she could do to hurt Vic or any of my family and I feel nothing but shame of letting her do this to me and how my dick is responding to her hand. I'm fighting with myself inside still, not wanting to give in, but we both know I will.

She gives a dirty laugh, enjoying the fact she now has me where she wants me, "Tell me you love me. Tell me that you'll never leave, that you're mine forever."

My head drops and I practically whisper, "I love you." She's smiling at me when I look at her and she's waiting for the rest, "I'll never leave you, I belong to you." Another tear falls.

She's in full control now, my dick is raging hard and I watch her, waiting for her to decide what she wants, "Show me how much."

She moves her hands and starts to press them down on my shoulders until I sink down onto my knees. Chrissie pulls her suit skirt up around her hips and she moves her hands to my head smothering my face against her silk panties. I used to love making Chrissie come like this, we used to make love all over the house when we were happy, now being like this with her just makes me feel disgusting. With both hands, she grabs fistfuls of my hair. She's grabbing so hard, it hurts as she rubs herself against my face, "Robert....., show me how much you love me."

I pull the silk panties down, letting them fall to the floor. I rest my forehead against her for a moment, delaying the inevitable until she pushes my face to where she wants it and I go down on her. She's already so wet that it doesn't take long to bring her to orgasm. She shudders and moans as she continues pushing against me. When her orgasm starts to subside, she's grabbing even harder on my hair, holding my head fast so I can't pull away. She might be satisfied, but I know she's still not quite finished with me, "Lick it all out." I do as I'm told, I want to gag on the taste of her, but I don't, I try and switch off. I don't feel anything for Chrissie except pure hate and I don't feel anything inside me except emptiness. "All of it Robert." I can tell from the sound of her voice she is still getting off on the control she has over me. She lets go of my hair and is stroking my head, gently as I continue to work inside her with my tongue, "You see, you do love me don't you?"

I sit back, resting on my heels as she continues to stroke my hair. I can barely manage a whisper, "Yes....., yes I love you." Chrissie lets out a kind of half laugh. Now she's finished with me. She suddenly pushes me back hard with her hands against my shoulders. I fall backwards, hitting my head against one of the breakfast bar chair legs behind me, but I barely register it. I don't notice as Chrissie pulls up her panties and her skirt down, straightening and smoothing her clothes all back into place. I move so I'm leaning against the cupboard nearest to me whilst Chrissie takes a final drink of her coffee. She picks up her handbag and keys from the counter top, "The car's making an odd noise, would you mind taking it to the garage for them to take a look? I'll take the four by four with me today." She bends down and kisses the top of my head not interested in a response, "Have a nice day at work darling." I hear the door close behind her and the sound of the engine fading as she drives away.

I close my eyes, numb. I look at the clock. I need to get ready for work and I go upstairs and put the shower on. I'm still for an instant, but then have to rush to the toilet and throw up, retching until there's nothing left. I frantically clean my teeth and swill my mouth with the mouth wash several times and then get into the shower to try and wash myself clean, but I don't feel clean still when I get out and get changed; I don't feel clean still when I pull up outside the pub.

.

Aaron

I'm just walking back from the garage when I see Robert pull up in the car, it's not often he drives to work. He always seems to like the walk and have the fresh air. I'm about to call out to him, but I stop. There is something about how he is staring out of the window screen, I look to where he is staring but I don't see anything particular. The engine is still running and he's gripping onto the steering wheel. Something's not right and I start to walk towards him again, but suddenly I have to stop as he revs the engine and reverses dangerously fast out of the pub car park, the tyres screeching as he turns the car and speeds away up the lane.

I hesitate only a second. I feel to check I have my car keys in my pocket and I make a snap decision. I get in my car and set off to try and follow him. I can't describe the look in his eyes, but I know the look. I know the look because I was like that once, a long time ago I wanted to end everything.

I struggle to catch him, his car is way faster than mine. I come to a fork in the road, but I know which he has taken and I drive up the track to the quarry. I leave my car out of sight, off on a side track; once I get out, I jog the last little bit.

I can see Robert ahead of me, he's still sat in his car, but the engine is switched off. He is still and looks eerily calm, but in the blink of an eye it changes. He starts to bang his hands up and down several times really hard on the steering wheel and he takes me by surprise as he lets out a long angry scream. When he stops, his head falls against the steering wheel and he stays like that for a short while. I'm fairly close to him now hiding behind a nearby boulder.

I debate whether to let him know I'm here or not. He gets out of the car and moves towards the edge of the quarry; I can't make my mind up what to do, he is stood right on the edge now. If he tries to jump I won't get to him in time, but if I call out to him or surprise him, he might fall by accident. I decide to wait and watch a little more. Robert just stands there, staring down into the bottom of the quarry. I can't see his face, but I can tell from his body that he is very upset. He remains like that a few minutes and then I see him fall and I almost move, but he's falling away from the edge not towards it. Sat on the rocky ground, he holds his head in his hands. It's so quiet that I can hear him sobbing from here, his body is shaking, racked from the tears. He cries for what feels quite a long while, before eventually standing up and walking to his car. Standing by the car door, he wipes away the last of his tears with his sleeve and then takes a deep breath. Robert gets into the car, starts the engine and drives off at pretty much normal speed.

I sit on the ground, leaning against the boulder for a minute or two. I don't know how long we had been here, but it had felt like a long time whilst he was here. Now that he's gone, it feels like it had passed in a flash. I think I've known for a little while now that something isn't quite right, but Robert only shows so much of himself. I'm shocked at how very close he was to killing himself today. What I don't know is why would someone like Robert want to do that. I know it's been difficult since the falling out with some of the villagers, especially still with Andy and Katie and maybe he's having problems with Chrissie at home but why would any of that be enough to consider doing this. There's one thing I know for sure now, something is very wrong.

.

Back at the pub, I don't say anything to Robert about what I had witnessed, but I watch him and stick close to him all day. If I hadn't followed him and seen it with my own eyes, I would never have suspected anything is wrong, in fact the opposite. Robert is in a jovial mood and good humour, even with the villagers who have been difficult about the access gate he is making them smile. I had asked him about the cut above his eye, but he just fobbed me off and said he banged his head on the cupboard door. I don't quite believe him, it's possible I suppose, but I've got to know him well enough by now to know that he's not telling me the truth; I let it slide for now.

At closing Robert locks up and we start to clear up. I consider how I can get him to talk to me. He's quiet now in contrast to the banter he's had all day. He looks shattered and I pull us both a pint, "Fancy a game of darts?" I put a pint down on one of the tables and he stares at me to see if I'm being serious, but I open up the darts board and hand him the darts. Despite his obvious tiredness, he nods and smiles at me; a real genuine smile, maybe his first of the day. We mess around a little, not playing seriously; neither of us are any good, but it's relaxing and fun. When we've had enough, we sit down on the seats on the back wall, It's comfortable between us and I ask him if he wants another pint or if he has to get home. He considers a minute, "Chrissie is out at some works dinner, I should get off soon though for when she gets back."

"That's settled then, you have time for another pint before we finish clearing up. Can't be all work and no play." I'm teasing him and gently digging into his side playfully which gets a smile out of him. Shit, I can't believe I'm flirting with him, after everything earlier I'm flirting with him. I can't seem to help myself, everything about him makes me want to hold him and kiss him. We start to play a proper game of darts and this time we are scoring. As the game progresses, I can't work out if it's my imagination again, but as we move between the board, writing up the scores and where we stand to throw the darts, I swear we are touching each other more and more as we pass each other or stand by each other. There are little looks between us and it's not just me, it's as much Robert as me. Robert beat me, I grin at him, "You win. I think you have time for a final winners pint. We can clear up in the morning for once."

I'm about to go to the bar to pull our pints, when Robert catches my arm, stopping me. He doesn't say anything as he pulls me gently to stand in front of him. His hand moves up my arm, until it reaches my neck and he rests it there as we look into each other's eyes. I can feel the anticipation between us; I'm scared that he will pull away, but he doesn't. Instead he leans in to kiss me, the kiss is very tender. I move my hands onto his hips, pulling him slightly closer to me and we kiss again, this time a little deeper and with our tongues slowly beginning to play. When we eventually stop kissing, we're both smiling like two twelve year olds who've just had their first ever kiss. We rest our foreheads together for a moment until Robert kisses me again and then looks up at the clock. "I should be getting home, it's late." I nod, but as he goes to leave, I pull him back for another kiss. He cups my face in his hands and there is more urgency in the kiss, I can feel the need in him and this time we don't want to part, but he pulls back, stopping himself, "I really have to go Aaron."

He goes and gets his coat and I follow him out to the back door, and I lean against him as we kiss before he opens the door. He looks at me steadily, he has a shy smile as he comes in for a final quick kiss, "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I nod and close the door behind him after he leaves.

I can't help grinning like a Cheshire cat. I don't for one minute think about the fact he has a wife, all I can think about is how Robert feels when his body is against mine and how his kisses are amazing. I want to explore more of Robert Sugden, a lot more.

.

Robert

I can't help smiling to myself all the way home, I'm later than usual, but not by a lot. I know I shouldn't be even entertaining thoughts about Aaron, but I couldn't help myself and I gave into it. After everything earlier in the day, it felt good, he felt good.

Upon seeing the four by four parked in the garage, I realise that Chrissie is back already; my face drops and my smile immediately disappears. I go inside, to find her waiting for me, "You're late." She's stood with a vodka by the kitchen counter, it feels like she's been waiting for me. This can't be good.

I answer cautiously, "Not really, we just took a bit longer to clean up. You have a good meeting, how was dinner?"

"The meeting was okay, but dinner was boring, boring men with egos talking about nothing but themselves." I try and gauge her mood; I'm so tired, I just want to go to bed. I get a glass of water and lean against the sink, "You take my car to the garage?"

Shit it never entered my head, "Sorry I forgot, I'll do it in the morning."

She takes a drink and stares into her glass before looking over at me, "I wanted to take it with me tomorrow, you know I don't like driving that big bucket."

I look at her warily, "I didn't really notice any noise. It should be okay if you want to take yours as usual, then I'll get it checked out when you get back."

She doesn't say anything as she walks over to me, but she seems calm. It's when she stops by my side that I cop it, her face up in mine, her voice hissing at me, "You want me to drive an unsafe car? What.....? Hoping I have an accident?"

I want to scream at her yes, yes I wish she was dead, "No."

Her face is practically touching mine, but she is controlled and her voice steady, "I don't believe you."

I stare at her defiantly, it's all I have left, "Why would I want you to have an accident? If you do, my life's over right?"

"You're damn right it is. You men, all so fucking selfish. Never think of anyone but yourselves." The vehemence and bitterness in her voice is very clear.

I stay silent, but after a long pause it feels like she's not going to continue and I decide to go up-to bed. "Night Chrissie."

After I pick up my glass from the counter top, she takes a step back to let me pass. I've just got past her when she punches me in my lower back. I wasn't expecting it, she usually only lashes out when she's really lost it. I drop the glass as I fall to the kitchen floor, grabbing onto the counter top to steady myself and I suck in the pain. Before I get chance to react she's kicking me hard. She still has her high heels on, the pointed toe of her shoes just adds to the pain and I fall onto the floor from the barrage of her kicks. I feel some of the broken glass on the floor beneath me, piercing my skin; I protect my face with my arms just in case she will go for there, but she doesn't. Instead she presses down on my chest with the spike heel of her shoe, digging deeper until I'm struggling to breathe. She stands there peering down at me, intentionally twisting the heel of her shoe against me; the pain is unbelievable, "I didn't say I was finished. Did you hear me say you could go to bed, mmmh?"

I shake my head, I let my hands fall to my side and I relax leaving myself completely open. I'm willing her to finish it, to do something so extreme that she just ends it, but she doesn't. She digs in with her heel one last time, pours herself another vodka and then starts to walk away. She's back to sounding all sweetness and light, "I know you won't forget to sort the car in the morning right? I suppose I could manage with the other for one more day." I don't say anything, I don't need to. "Night Robert, don't let the bedbugs bite."

I don't move as I lie on the floor, the shattered glass all around me. I pick up a bigger shard from the broken glass playing with it in my hand. The temptation to drag it through my skin and wait for the blood to run out of my body is overwhelming. I run the glass edge against my wrist, trying to imagine what it might feel like. Would I feel the relief that people talk about? The same reason as this morning stops me, I know Chrissie is fucked up enough to carry out her threat to my family. It wouldn't bring me back, but it would give her satisfaction to have her twisted revenge and I can't let that happen. She can do what she wants to me, but I can't ever let her hurt my family.

TBC


	5. A Perfect Fit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron make the most of Chrissie being away at a conference for a couple of days.

Robert - Week Three December

I've been very sore the last couple of days since getting the kicking from Chrissie; my whole upper body and arms are covered with bruises and I've been making excuses with Aaron not to be the one lugging crates around. We've still managed to find time to steal the odd kiss, but I hadn't let him get too close. I don't know how, but I've managed to keep it hidden from him; despite the pain I felt whenever he touched me, he hadn't got suspicious.

I'm not so lucky today and I get caught out. We're busy and I'm rushing to get Rhona her coffee to finish off her lunch, but as I turn around, I walk straight into Aaron. He was quicker than me moving the pint in his hand out of the way whereas I end up getting covered in coffee; the front of my shirt is completely soaked. Aaron's laughing at me, "Here, I'll sort the coffee, you go upstairs and get cleaned up. Go grab one of my t-shirts from out of my room, they're in the chest of drawers."

.

After rummaging around I finally find a t-shirt that fits and then I go into the bathroom to wash and get cleaned up. Chas is at the hospital visiting the consultant so I'm on my own, or I thought I was until Aaron walks in. I hadn't bothered to lock the door and he caught me just as I was pulling the t-shirt down over my head. He stops and stares, shocked at the state of my upper body. He stammers, "Sorry, I was just checking you had found one okay....., t-shirt I mean."

I don't know what to do or say as he comes over to me. I let him lift up the t-shirt, there's no point hiding it; I knew he had seen. He touches my front and stares at all the bruising, he runs his hand over them, lightly touching and moves to look at my back, "What the hell happened Robert? Why haven't you said anything?"

I lie, "I got mugged. I was in Hotten a couple of days ago and I was mugged." I shrug, "I suppose I was too embarrassed to say anything."

His eyes are still fixed on my body, "Did you report it?"

I avoid his stare as I pull the t-shirt back down, openly wincing now from the pain, "There wasn't any point, I didn't really see who they were. It wasn't worth the hassle, they only got some cash and gave me a beating because I tried to stop them." Aaron is quiet and I kiss him in a effort to reassure him, "It's fine. Don't worry okay, it looks worse than it is," I flash him my boyish grin, "and with Chrissie away for two nights you have plenty of time to kiss me all over to make me better." He smiles at me, relaxing a little but I can't be sure if he bought the story; I can't tell what he's thinking half the time.

.

Chrissie is going away to London for some year-end conference and I will be on my own for a couple of nights. I told her that I would probably stay at the pub whilst she was away. Well, when I say told, I mean I asked for permission. I knew she would like this option though, as then I can't get up-to anything I shouldn't behind her back. She would never suspect that I am actually spending the two nights in Aaron's bed. There was never any suspicion in my past I had been into guys. I had dabbled and had mostly one night stands, but this was all before I had met Chrissie. Aaron is the only guy I have ever felt something for beyond the need for a quick fuck. With Aaron, I want to know every little thing about him, not just have sex with him.

Aaron seems to have accepted my story. It might actually be better like this, it saves me having to come up with an excuse later if things between us actually get that far. I want to, but I don't want to rush things. I shouldn't even be thinking like this. Chrissie would kill me, kill both of us and worse if she found out. I had tried my best to push away my growing feelings for him in the last few weeks, but I can't any longer, despite it being a huge risk if Chrissie were to find out. Aaron Livesy is becoming the only thing that is keeping me alive inside. I need him, I need how he makes me feel when he touches and kisses me. How when our eyes lock, we smile at each other, undressing each other. I can't wait to find out how it is to actually be with him, I want to make love to him and for him to feel how much I want him. My feelings for Aaron are intensifying and beginning to outweigh everything else, we just need to be very careful no-one catches us.

.

I watch Chrissie drive off as she drops me outside the Woolpack before setting off down to London. I go upstairs and dump my bag in Aaron's room. He walks in and kisses me, pushing me down on the bed as he sits, straddling me.

Aaron leans over and kisses me again and then sits back, just watching me. I rest my hands on his arms, "What about Chas?"

"She thinks you're in Diane's room, so you need to put your stuff in there. She goes to sleep so early with all the pain killers, she'll be in bed by the time we come up after closing. She has her operation just after new year, she finally got her appointment confirmed."

"That's good." I sit up a little, propping myself up on my elbows, I grimace from the pain. Aaron notices, but doesn't say anything. "Come on you, we have to work." He pulls me up by my hand, but we take time for a long kiss before putting my rucksack in Diane's room and going downstairs.

We were like excited kids all day which couldn't go fast enough until we are upstairs again, together in his room. As soon as we close the door, we crash back against it, our tongues down each other's throats. We have to stop, needing air and to recover from the initial rush of finally being alone; I've been thinking non-stop about what is going to happen between us.

.

I slow things down as he tries to pull me over to the bed. I hold back and pull him to me by his hand. This time we start to kiss a lot slower and take our time before edging closer to stand by the bed. Our arms hang down by our sides, we are stood so close I can feel his breath on my face. I sit down on the bed, moving Aaron so he is stood in front of me. I slowly unbutton his jeans, my eyes darting up-to his face and my hands moving up his front, first over his t-shirt and then sliding up underneath. I feel him tense a little, as my fingers move over what feels like scars. I push up his t-shirt and slide it over his head. I see the scars on his stomach and I let my fingers run over them. I kiss him and lick across his skin a little way and then blow on the wet trail I had left with my tongue. I hear him gasp as I lick and kiss into his belly button and at the same time pinch his nipples. I tilt my head up to look at him, smiling as I glide my wet tongue along the top of his jeans.

When I remove his jeans completely and then his undies, I don't touch, I just want to look at him. He stands still, allowing me to take control; we both know this is too special to rush. His whole body is beautiful, his skin is so soft. He is hard already, but I make him wait, making sure he can feel my warm breath on his dick, it's twitching slightly just from the anticipation. I look at him, teasing him with my eyes and I kiss his stomach once more, I hear Aaron gasp again as I suck and gently bite into his skin. We switch places and this time he is the one undressing me. I let out a moan as his hands run over my body, he kisses slowly, moving his lips and mouth over my bruises. He stops on my front where he can clearly see a different mark, it's where Chrissie had dug in with the spike heel of her shoe. He doesn't say anything, but I get the feeling he has stored it for asking later.

.

He gets up and we stand in front of each other, naked. I run my hand up his arm, barely touching his skin and Aaron lets his head fall slightly backwards whilst closing his eyes. He whispers to me, "Touch me." He's intoxicating, our bodies and senses are so aware, I want him to savour every second of it.

I whisper back, "Not yet." His head moves back upright and he takes my hand, moving us onto the bed. We lie down on our sides, facing each other. Our hands start wandering slowly over each other's body, exploring. I gasp as Aaron's hand ventures slightly lower down my naval. He doesn't touch any further down, but its sheer proximity to my hard cock is enough in itself to send tingles down my spine.

We start to kiss once more, our bodies moving closer together now, touching and rubbing against each other, until we can't wait any more and we wrap ourselves around each other. Our kissing is frantic. I roll on to my back and Aaron moves on top of me, holding himself up by his arms and rubbing himself up against me. I can hardly breathe, "Aaron....., jeez....., oh god Aaron, don't stop."

My hands are running up his sides and then to his back, fleetingly over his arse, my fingers slide down between his cheeks and over his hole, I can feel his whole body respond. He moves quickly to straddle my chest, his knees either side of me and gently bouncing his body, his dick teasing near my mouth. My fingers are now rubbing gently around his hole, circling and I can see his pre-cum already. We are so turned on, our need to be together getting more impatient and urgent. I smile at him as he tries to push into my mouth already, but I still hold him back as I put my hands around his waist, making him wait.

I look at him to be certain, "Are you sure Aaron? Once we do this there is no going back we both know that."

He nods, "I'm sure. I've been sure about this for weeks." He grins at me, "I didn't ever once think we would be doing it though."

I smile back at him, "I want to make love to you Aaron, I want to feel and touch every part of you," and with this I pull him forwards into my mouth. I play with his head a while and he lets out a loud moan as he pushes deeper and deeper until I have him all the way to the base of his shaft. He is slow fucking my mouth whilst my fingers are now pushing inside him.

He is gripping tight onto the headboard, his body in a rocking motion as he continues to ride my mouth and my fingers. His moaning is getting louder, "Robert, Rob. Oh fuck, that feels, ahh....., ahh....., you don't know what you're doing to me....." I know exactly what I'm doing to him and I'm going to make sure he feels all of it.

I push him back on the bed. I'm kneeling and he moves so he can suck down on me. My hands are resting on his head, occasionally stroking through his hair, "Oh god Aaron." I watch him, his mouth is amazing. He has this action with his tongue, which together with his sucking is just pure heaven. I run my hands over my front and then back to Aaron. I'm so hard and I can't wait any longer. I move him now flat onto his front and after putting on a condom and lubing up his hole and my dick, I move to push inside him. I smile as he grabs onto the duvet tight with his hands. I take my time, pushing in very slowly until I am fully inside. I hold still a minute, enjoying how he feels wrapped around my shaft, kissing his neck and back, my hands running through his hair. I lie flat on top of him and stretch my arms over his above our heads, my hands holding his. I kiss his neck, Aaron has his eyes closed, but his body is starting to push up into me. I sit back up as I'm a little out of practice of being with a guy so I need a more easy position. I grab onto his waist and start to thrust inside him, making him moan and he bites down onto the duvet as I fill him deep inside. His moans almost becoming groans as I pick up speed. I don't feel any pain from the bruises now when I move, just his tight arse wrapped around my dick. I love listening to him telling me what he wants in between his moans and trying to keep his breathing steady, "Don't stop...., harder..... oh that's it just there, just there. Yes....., yes, fuck me..... yes, just like that."

.

I roll him over onto his side and I push much slower, more deliberately. We fit perfectly, I'm hitting his prostate immediately and he rests his head back into the crook of my neck with his eyes closed. He is jerking himself off, his hand having to stop every now and again, we're both getting close. I love being in this position with him, it's almost like we are joined together, it feels so intimate. My left hand has now taken over stroking him and my other hand is in his, both gripping iron tight, like we never want to let go of each other. Our breathing is quickening and I hear him say, "I'm close, I'm close Robert."

I kiss his neck as I push up into him, our heads are resting against each other, and our mouths keep tilting towards each other, kissing passionately. Our eyes lock and Aaron's grip on my hand is tightening, I smile at him, "I know....., I know Aaron. I want you to hold it for me, can you do that?"

I can feel him straining as he barely whispers, "I don't know for how long," I slow down, and he pushes against my deep thrusts. I keep him on the edge with my hand and then pull it away a little making him push up needing my touch, his eyes are begging me and when I finally jerk his shaft once more, he cries out. I speed up my movement making sure I keep hitting his spot, "Ahhh, Ahhhh fuck...... crap," he's panting, we're both are as our rhythm picks up faster again, "Please Rob, oh god. I want it really bad."

I kiss his neck until I'm sucking down, I know I'll leave a mark, "Do you like feeling me inside you."

"Yes, I love it, don't stop. I want to feel all of you......," He's moaning so loudly now I'm worried we'll wake Chas

"You want me to stroke your cock faster?"

"Yes, just like that, just like that. I want to come Robert, let me come." He's almost frantic now, his entire body is on the edge.

"You turn me on so much Aaron," and I speed up my hand applying more pressure, and I whisper into his ear, "Come for me Aaron, I want to feel your wet come all over my hand."

"Yes....., yes....., I'm going to come," he's shaking as my hand stops he's so close as I hold my hand away from him, "I thought you said you want to come?" He is really frustrated now as I hold his other hand to stop him touching himself. His body is pushing trying to reach my hand, but it's just that bit too far away.

"Bastard, you can't do that, you can't stop like that," I'm thrusting into him even harder making him cry out and his head rolls back against me. I move back to stroking him again and almost immediately his warm come explodes over my hand. His entire body spasms, his muscles tightening; I'm not far behind him and I bury my face into his neck to muffle my moans.

.

My heart is racing. I'm holding onto his body, breathing hard, my mouth against his neck, Aaron has his arms wrapped over mine. I finally get enough of my breath back to say something, laughing to myself quietly, "That was intense."

He tilts his head back to look at me, smiling at me, looking as exhausted as I feel, "Just a little, I thought you would never let me come. I almost came without you even touching me when you stopped and then when you did; god Robert, I don't think I've ever come so hard before."

I grin at him, "Mmmh, there's a challenge." I pull out of him and take off the condom, we stay cuddled up together, kissing every now and then. I love the way he smells, his skin and his hair; I could lie in bed with him like this all day, every day.

He turns round to face me, wrapping his leg over my body and I snuggle close up-to him so we can carry on kissing. Aaron grins at me, "Just think, we get to do it all over again tomorrow night."

I look at him playfully, "Oh I was thinking of doing it again much sooner than tomorrow night."

He grins at me, "I need to rest after that for a while."

I kiss him, "Yeah, you can rest, but not for too long. I'm greedy remember, I want more, I want lots more."

TBC


	6. Liar Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas and Chrissie is jealous of Roberts growing friendships in the village.

Aaron - 23rd December 2015

Katie comes into the bar from out back after visiting mum and grins at me, "Chas must be driving you nuts hey?"

"Just a little, I can't wait for her to have this operation."

"You seem to be coping alright?"

"Not like I have a choice and Robert is helping me out a lot. He does most of the work until I get in from the garage and he covers for me when it's quiet. It's actually working out okay with him being here."

Katie looks at me curiously, "Sounds like you enjoy him being here?"

I stop what I'm doing and look at her, "I do. Not everyone's got a problem with him Katie, I don't really remember him from before. So yeah, we get on and he's puts in the hours. You should stop giving him such a hard time. He doesn't deserve it."

Katie shakes her head slightly, not wanting to believe me, "You'll see the real Robert eventually Aaron. He always disappoints and lets you down in the end."

I'm tired of her always putting him down, "Maybe in the past, when he was younger, but that was a long time ago. I think he's different now."

Katie leans on the bar, looking at me closely, "Aaron Livesy, do you have a thing for Robert Sugden?" She grins at me, teasing, "Huh, do you? Do you fancy him?"

I ignore her and continue drying a couple of glasses, turning to the side so I can put them back on the shelf. Hopefully she didn't see me blushing, "No Katie, I'm just tired of you having a go for no reason."

.

We've been getting ready for tomorrow; mum always likes Christmas Eve to be fun and I wanted it to be a little special to cheer her up. She comes into the bar quite a lot, but doesn't stay long because she quickly gets uncomfortable from the pain. I still want her to enjoy it for the little time she manages to be there; she hates being so away from it all.

Chrissie won't be making an appearance. Apparently the Woolpack isn't her thing for Christmas Eve, so Robert and me are going to try and steal some time together before he goes home if we can. Since we slept together, we can hardly keep our hands off each other when we're alone. Even my room isn't completely safe, Mum almost caught us the other day; Robert had to dive down the side of the bed quickly when she knocked on my door and practically walked straight in.

I watch Robert bring me over a mug of tea smiling at me, he's been helping to organise everything; I couldn't have done it all without him, not as good as it is anyway. We're not open yet and it's just the two of us. I'm sat on the counter next to the sink behind the bar, kicking my feet against the cupboards underneath. He comes and stands in front of me, resting in-between my legs; we kiss a little. I run my hand over his left forearm. The bandage has come off now, you can still see where the burn was, but it should fade away completely in a couple more weeks. Robert strokes his fingers down my face, "I don't know if I will be able to get away outside work to see you. I want to but I can't risk it. Chrissie will be home all Christmas."

"I want to be with you properly Robert. Leave her, we both know you're not happy; I don't understand why you're still with her." I don't want to share him, I want to be with Robert openly and I'm pretty sure he feels the same.

Robert looks away from me guiltily, but more than anything he looks sad, "It's not that easy Aaron. If it was I would have left a long time ago. I want to, but there are things....., things that make it difficult. I need to be careful."

I look at him, wondering what can possibly tie him to her like this, "What things?" He looks down at his feet, he seems almost ashamed.

He looks away, but he at least answers, "Things that I have no control over......,"

.

I wait for him to continue, but he doesn't. I know he doesn't love her anymore, he's told me that, but that was already obvious to me before. He hides it well in front of most of the village, joking she's different at home when it's just the two of them, but he lets his guard down a lot more with me. I still haven't told him that I'd seen him at the quarry that day, it's not just something you throw into conversation, even now. I know I need to tread carefully, but each time I push, he gives me a little more. I know he needs me and not just for sex, we are getting closer all the time. I just need to keep pushing gently and maybe he will open up to me properly. I study his expression and I know he won't give me more just now, "Come on you. We need to finish up or we'll have them knocking on the door before we're ready."

I get down off the counter to go finish my jobs, but Robert grabs my hand and pulls me to him for one last kiss. His hands hold my head close to him, our faces slightly touching as he quietly says to me, "I love you Aaron." He smiles shyly at me, "I love you and I want to be with you; just give me a little time and I'll leave her I promise." He kisses my forehead softly.

He's taken me completely by surprise saying this, it's like suddenly the whole world has stopped and it's just the two of us. I kiss him, it's intense between us and I know I feel the same as he does. "I know," I kiss him once more, "I love you too." We start kissing passionately now, our admission of love sweeping away the earlier part of our conversation, our desire taking over. It's only when we hear some movement in the back corridor that we pull away from each other quickly; just in time before Vic comes in and starts chatting away to us. She could be talking about anything and everything. I'm hardly listening as I keep staring at Robert.

Vic soon cottons on I've not been paying attention, "Aaron, have you been listening to a word I've said?"

"What, you were talking?" I grin at Vic and she hits my arm, "Ow!"

I see Robert smile at me affectionately, I touch his arm as I go through to the back to get some mixers we are still missing. I have to lean a moment against the wall at the top of the cellar steps to reflect a minute. I'm in deep with Robert, I hadn't realised until now, just how deep. I can't help feeling a little nervous about what this means. If we want to carry this on, then I can't be his bit on the side and he would have to leave Chrissie; so whatever Robert's hiding, I need to get to the bottom of it.

.

The day passed pretty much as usual. Moira, Finn, Vic and Adam have been joking around with us all tea-time and we've been telling embarrassing Christmas present stories. I sneak round Robert and steal his packet of crisps, which means payback of some sorts. He will share anything, but not his daily packet of cheese and onion crinkle cut. I'm laughing as Robert whips me hard with the tea-towel and catches me, pushing me back against the back counter, trying to recover the stolen packet which I have firmly held behind my back; we are grinning at each other like schoolboys. Andy and Katie walk into the bar. Seeing us like this Katie just can't resist stirring the pot, "Steady boys, anyone would think there's something going on," I feel Robert tense up and I let him have the packet of crisps as we go back to the main counter, both of us looking a little flushed.

Andy shakes his head, "The usual please Aaron. Just ignore her, she's been winding me up all day too."

I smile at him, glancing across at Robert who is now leaning against the bar near Moira and Vic whilst eating his crisps, "S'alright. I'll start worrying when she thinks I'm coming on to you."

Andy laughs at me, "That'll be the day, just as likely as you jumping into bed with my brother."

I grin at him, thinking how little he knows his brother. I look over at Robert who's listening. He's gone shy all of a sudden, smiling, but also looking a little embarrassed. I'm startled though when I hear Chrissie's voice, "Who's jumping into bed with my husband?"

The mood tenses up, Chrissie has this impact on people when she's around. When they first moved into the village most people thought she was alright, but although she's hardly in the village, she's been doing a good job of making enemies; especially since the gate incident. Most people seem to have got over it with Robert, they mostly blame Chrissie who just keeps rubbing people up the wrong way whenever she's around.

Katie continues to tease, "Aaron and Robert...., they make a lovely couple don't you think?" She winks at us to rub it in even further.

Vic intervenes at seeing the look on Chrissie's face, "It was just a joke, Katie was just trying to wind them up."

"Oh I don't know Vic," Katie looks at Chrissie, "I'd watch them if I were you."

If looks could kill, I think Katie would be dead. Chrissie turns to me and then Robert; we didn't fare much better. The mood is well and truly spoiled. With a visibly annoyed Chrissie looking set to stay at the bar a while, the others all go and find a table, with Katie and Andy joining them. I can see Katie sat looking pleased with herself at having Chrissie turning up when she did and pushing her buttons at our expense. I look at Robert, he looks very uncomfortable, not happy at all.

.

Chrissie sits at the end of the bar and Robert gets her a glass of wine. For the first time since they moved here, she stays in the pub all night; it's a very unusual feeling. Robert is pretty much his usual self, the normal banter with the regulars, but we did our best to not get too close to each other or exchange our usual little looks. We find it hard though, we have got into such a natural rhythm of working together that it feels completely wrong to be on our guard like this. It's almost impossible not to touch as we move about the bar and every time we do, it's electrifying knowing Chrissie is sat watching our every move. When I finally lock up at closing, I say to Robert, "You both go home, I'll finish up here tonight." I'm not confident I can hide my feelings when it's just the three of us in here.

He glances at Chrissie and then back at me, "Are you sure?"

I smile at him, "Yes I'm sure, go home and I'll see you tomorrow. It should be fun, even mum might manage to enjoy herself for a while."

I know he's grateful that they can go, he looks relieved, "Thanks, I owe you one."

I whisper to him when Chrissie's not looking, "I'm sure I'll find a way to let you make it up to me."

I hide my grin as Chrissie turns back to us and Robert says out loud, "I'll see you tomorrow Aaron."

I watch them walk to their car and then close the door, not wanting to appear too interested. I missed our usual make out session after work. As I finish cleaning the bar before heading upstairs to bed, I can't help smiling, thinking back to earlier in the day.

.

Robert - 24th December 2015

I had expected Chrissie to have a go last night when we got in, but she didn't. I had made my hot chocolate as usual and gone to bed. She had been watching us all night like a hawk eye, or that's what it felt like as she sat at the end of the bar. She wasn't drinking as much, she only had the one bottle. I know we didn't give her any reason to be suspicious but she doesn't need a reason hardly these days. More and more she's kicking off without even bothering to hide it any more.

I slept over this morning and am running late, I don't have time for a coffee before going to the pub. I look out of the window, it's not raining but it looks cold and miserable so I don't fancy walking. I already have my coat on and am looking for my keys which are not in the usual place. Chrissie is off work now until after the new year. I'm not looking forward to her being around more at all. The one thing that keeps me sane is working at the Woolpack and she would probably try and put a stop to that if it wasn't for the fact it would attract too much noseying from my family and the village. She had refused Lawrence's invitation to go to Portugal, apparently Lachie is going to be there for the holidays and she didn't want to see any of them; so I'm stuck with her at home. There won't be much festive joy at Home Farm this year, that's for sure.

.

I'm still looking for my keys when Chrissie comes into the kitchen with her coat on, "You looking for these darling?"

There's something in how she says it that puts me immediately on edge. I don't move or say anything and as she leans against the doorframe, I see her small suitcase behind her in the entrance hall. I wait to see what comes next as she continues, "So you have a new best friend now Robert?"

I try and keep my voice neutral, "I don't know what you mean?" Chrissie shoves my phone in my face with a text on it from Aaron. I had told him to be careful and not to text anything because of Chrissie snooping, 'Can't wait til 2nite'.

"What does this mean?"

I look at her confused, "You know we are having a do on at the pub, he's just looking forward to our hard work paying off after getting it all organised."

"Looking forward to trying it on with my husband under the mistletoe no doubt."

I'm panicking inside, but I keep my voice calm. I walk over to her and put my arms around her, see if she'll let me distract her that way, "Aaron's not like that, he knows I'm married to you and that I'm straight. Is this about Katie last night? You know she was just trying to get under my skin, you know she has it in for me, for us?"

Chrissie reacts badly, almost screaming as she pulls away from me, "Liar, Liar Liar. Don't lie to me." I take a step back and see the jealousy in her eyes. "You think you can try and pull the wool over my eyes. What, suddenly Robert Sugden's everyone's friend now? Laughing and joking all night....., and you didn't seem to have a problem with them making jokes behind my back about having it off with someone else, especially him. You'll make me the laughing stock." Her look turns dangerous and her voice hard and accusing, "You think they are your friends, huh? Is he your friend Robert?"

I'm trying to work out if she seriously suspects something is going on with Aaron or if she's just jealous that I'm getting on in general with people in the village. "I work with him Chrissie, I work behind the bar of the village pub. I have to get on with him and I have to be nice to all the punters; it's part of the job."

Chrissie is suddenly calm again and smiles at me, but it's not a smile that fills me with warmth, "It's alright darling, I get it...., I do." I don't know what she means, she's not making any sense, "I texted him back already. I didn't think you'd mind." I look at her nervously as she reads it out, "Gone on surprise family hol, have fun without me! Robert xxx" She grins sadistically, "Look, I even put some kisses on for you. Do you think three are enough or is it that too much for a friend?"

I stare at her stunned, "Chrissie, I can't leave him alone to run everything on his own over Christmas, it's one of the busiest times of the year....." She walks out into the hall and I call after her, "Chrissie?" I start to follow her, "Chrissie, I can't go away and leave them in the lurch like this."

She turns and I stop abruptly, seeing the gun as she brings it up and points it at me, "Don't worry Robert you're not going anywhere." There was a time where I would have been happy for her to shoot me; but I don't want to end my life anymore, I want to be with Aaron. It's like she's lost the plot completely, "Chrissie, what are you doing? Put the gun down, you don't want to do this. Chrissie?" I look at her, she doesn't seem to care that what she's doing is off the scale. "Where did you even get the gun from? Please Chrissie, this is stupid." Shit, wrong word, I should be more careful, I should know better than that, but I'm panicking.

"Stupid....? No Robert. I mean, honestly, do you think people in this village will actually ever like you for you; or that you think you can get away with letting these people joke away at my expense, huh? Stupid is you crawling all over 'him' in the middle of the village pub for everyone to see." I know the look in her eyes, she's very dangerous and unpredictable when she's like this. "Move Robert." She glares at me as she follows me, walking me outside and directs me to the courtyard. She tells me to stop when we get to one of the small storage rooms attached to the stables.

She motions with the gun, "Get inside."

I look at her in horror, "What are you going to do Chrissie? I haven't done anything wrong, it wasn't like that. I love you, you know I love you. I belong to you, remember?"

"Stop grovelling and get inside now. I want you up against that back wall." I still don't move, "I'm warning you Robert. God you're just as bad as the others. You need a little reminder of where your loyalties lie. Which if you hadn't realised it is with me, not some miserable villagers or gay mechanic come barman."

I'm trying to work out if I can get the gun from her and take my chances getting to the village, but she makes the decision for me as she fires the gun, the bullet hitting very close to my feet, ricocheting off the cobbles. She smiles sadistically knowing she has my full attention now, "I won't tell you again Robert." I do as she tells me. It's one of the smaller old stores, it's empty other than a couple of bales of straw in the corner. I walk and stand against the back wall. I turn and face her, she's now stood just outside the door and I'm terrified of what she will do next as she continues to point the gun at me. I had never really thought she would kill me, but at this instant I'm not so sure anymore.

She'd been carrying a bag in her other hand and now she throws it at me. I half catch it and before I can move to try and stop her, she closes the door. I hear the bolts slide across and the padlock clicking, locking me in. I yell through the door, banging on it with my hands, "Chrissie, I haven't done anything wrong, you've got it all wrong. Please, let me out.....," I shout her again, "Chrissie...., Chrissie." All I get is silence. It's pitch black in here, there are no windows. I can't even see my hand in front of me. I feel what is in the bag, three bottles which when I take a taste out of one, is water; no food though. I keep telling myself that she wouldn't go off and leave me for longer than a few hours, that she just wants to scare me. I mean she gets her kicks more from controlling me. I hear movement outside the door, "Chrissie, is that you?"

"I'm off now, I'll give Lachie and Lawrence your love. Maybe when I get back you'll have remembered the importance of loyalty to your wife. Merry Christmas Robert." She can't seriously be going away, leaving me locked in here like this. I'm yelling until I'm hoarse for Chrissie, anyone to let me out. I try and kick the door down, but it's solid. The stables and all the buildings had been kept in perfect condition. I work my way round the small room, feeling my way in the dark but I don't find anything to get me out of here. The floor is uneven, with old cobbles covering the ground and I'm already starting to feel the cold despite having my coat on. I wrap my arms around myself. I don't even have my watch on, I forgot with being in such a rush earlier, but as the time passes, I realise it wasn't just a threat, but that she's actually gone and left me here.

In the quiet, my thoughts wander; I start to panic and wonder if she really does seriously suspect something is going on between me and Aaron. We've never let anyone see anything other than a normal friendship in the pub, it had just been bloody Katie winding us up last night. But what if Chrissie has flipped so badly that she hurts Aaron, or Vic or any of them. She doesn't need to believe it's true, she's so screwed up that she could hurt them just to spite me. Where the hell did she get a gun from anyway. I have to force myself to stop thinking like that. If she had really suspected I was cheating on her, she would probably have lost it a lot more with me than this; she would have confronted me properly with it and then probably killed me. I don't really know how long she'll be gone for. If she's seeing Lachie, then she must be going to Lawrence's in Portugal. Working on the logic of a bottle of water a day and that I'm already feeling hungry now, god knows what I'm going to be like in three days time, assuming I survive that long from the cold. I can't even begin to contemplate the thought that she might be away longer.

TBC


	7. Nice Holiday?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert returns to work at the Woolpack.

Aaron - 24th December 2015

"He's got to be joking." I'm standing with my mouth open not believing what I'm reading. I call Robert's phone, but it goes straight to voicemail. "Robert, where are you? What the hell's going on? You can't just up and off without any warning. What am I supposed to do? Call me back as soon as you get this will you." I slam my phone down angrily on the table.

Mum looks at me curiously, "What's up?"

I look at mum, gobsmacked as I show her the text, "He didn't even have the decency to call me, just a sodding text."

"Well love I did warn Diane and you. Robert Sugden can't be trusted. He'll let you down and drop you like hot potato when it suits him"

I sit down at the table, all sorts going through my head, "What am I supposed to do now?"

Mum has a smug look on her face as if to say I told you so, but she stops when she sees how angry and hurt I am. She knows we've become friends, "Well assuming he doesn't turn up, we'll have to call round and see who we can find to help out."

.

I stomp into the bar and sit down, feeling wounded that he didn't even call me, just a text. Yesterday he told me he loves me and today he pisses off with his wife on holiday, leaving me up shit creek without a paddle. It takes a while, but eventually I calm down and I start to think rationally as I drink my tea. I think about all the time we've spent together and then what happened last night. I wonder just what went on after they left. Does Chrissie actually suspect something is going on and that's why he can't call? He'd said she was possessive and always reading his messages. Shit, I sent that text. I never thought, what if she saw that and thinks something is going on? That doesn't make sense though, she'd never suspect he was having an affair with a man, if I'd been a woman then maybe, but she thinks he's hundred percent straight. It's not as though she saw anything more than just friends working the bar together and anyway, there wasn't anything in the text that you wouldn't send to just a friend.

There's no way I can say anything to mum about us being together, that would just make her worse. He's going to cop it when he gets back whatever, but I'm going to wait until to talk to him before I judge him. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that it's real between us; I'm angry but I need to wait and hear his side first.

.

Robert - 27th December 2015

I'm having my second bath of the day. I hug my knees around me, feeling warm for the first time in days. Chrissie had finally returned this afternoon and let me out. She'd just unlocked the door and left it open for me to get myself out. "The boys send their love, they were disappointed you couldn't make it, but I gave them your love. You didn't miss much, his stupid bitch of a wife isn't a very good cook." She had stared at me disdainfully, "Well what are you waiting for, don't you want to come back inside?" She gave me one last withering look before walking off, "Let's hope you've learned your lesson Robert."

I was weak, but had managed to get up and walk inside the house. After forcing myself to eat slowly and drink something, I had come for a bath. Chrissie was just pottering around, putting the shopping away when I'd come back into the house. I hadn't said a word to her, I didn't even want to look at her. She's just talking and acting like she'd come from a few days away and I'd been living my life as normal. I can't stop coughing, the cold had got to me badly, but at least it hadn't killed me. I sink my head under the water and hold my breath for as long as I can.

.

After sleeping for a long time, I go down and have some soup. I watch Chrissie through the doorway, she's sat in the living room, watching some crappy TV and all I feel is hate, pure hate.

I didn't think she would have given me my phone back, but she did. Aaron had called and left a message, strangely there were only two missed texts. He was angry understandably on the first. The second one was on Christmas day where he had just written, "Merry xmas." Back up in my room I cried when I read this. If I'd been him, I would have ranted and ranted, but he hadn't.

I decide to text him, 'I'll be in tomorrow.'

I wait for a text back which comes almost immediately, 'Ok'.

There's no point worrying about it, I'll have to face the music some time, I might as well get it over sooner rather than later.

.

Aaron - 28th December 2015

I didn't really have a plan of what I was going to say to him. Mum had made sure the whole pub knew he had left us in the lurch, despite me telling her not to. I'm a weird mix of excited and angry, pulling the chairs down off the tables when Robert walks in and I get in a first snide remark, "Nice holiday?" I stand and stare at him, seeing him properly as he walks over; I hadn't been prepared for how terrible he looks. He looks so bad, I take pity on him and make him a cup of tea; I bring it into the bar and we sit down on the back wall seats. "I put you some sugar in it. You look like you need it." For once he doesn't complain I brought him tea and not coffee. I stare at him, waiting for him to say something.

"Sorry." I wait for something else, because I'm going to need a little bit more than just sorry. He looks at me anxiously and then breaks into a fit of coughing, "Chrissie sprung it on me last minute, I didn't have a choice." He stares down at the floor, refusing to look me in the eyes.

I can't keep the irritation and disappointment from my voice, "You go anywhere nice?"

"Portugal to her dads."

He doesn't look like he caught any winter sun that's for sure, "Weather must have been crap then."

He just shrugs and still doesn't look up, "Stayed inside all the time. Food was crap as well."

I watch him carefully, his face is very pale, with big grey bags under his eyes; he looks and sounds ill what with all the non-stop coughing. Robert's on the point of crying; I know he's lying, I just don't know why. I take a deep breath and I pull him to me, he starts to cry in my arms, "Talk to me Robert, what's really going on?"

"I can't." I kiss the top of his head as I cradle him in my arms.

"Whatever it is, it's tearing you up inside and you look like you've been to Siberia, not Portugal." I rock him in my arms as he quietly sobs and I kiss his head again, "I can't help unless you tell me what's going on."

He stops crying and wipes away the last of his tears, "I'm okay, it's just been a tough few days, but I'm okay now we're home." He coughs again.

"You need to go to the doctors."

He shakes his head and smiles weakly at me, "I already have some antibiotics, I'll be fine. I just need you to kiss me better."

I smile at him shaking my head at him in despair. "Robert, eventually you're going to have to talk to me. You know that right?"

"I promise you, I'm okay." He knows I don't believe him.

.

Aaron - 30th December 2015

I have spent the last couple of days pretty much defending Robert from everyone's digs about his disappearing act, but he looked so ill that people seemed to think he had got his just deserts. They soon moved onto other topics; the one good thing about small village life, they always find something new to gossip and complain about.

Mum was a harder challenge, permanently giving him a hard time; but she'll be going for her operation next week, so this is beginning to preoccupy her more than anything now. She hates hospitals as much as I do.

I had called in another favour and asked Moira to cover the bar for me this afternoon. I gave the excuse that I had to be somewhere and that Robert wasn't feeling well so he had gone for a lie down and shouldn't be disturbed. Mum was downstairs singing away to some old musicals on the telly whilst I was actually with Robert, hiding away in my room.

Although we've felt as close as we were before he went away, he's been very quiet ever since he got back. I had just put it down to his cough and him not feeling well, but his cough is getting much better now and he's still not back to his usual self. Everyone in the pub has commented on it, even Andy had looked concerned when he saw him the first time.

Robert kisses me, "I love you," he is stroking my hair; then turns onto his side and kisses me again. He's quietly watching me a little while, "I'm going to leave her."

I look at him, "Are you sure?"

He nods, "Yes." Robert rests his head against my front, "Aaron, I'm not ready to tell you everything, I can't. I don't know how, but trust me, this won't be easy. She has things on me that she threatened to go to the police with, to do things if I tried to leave. You have to believe me it's all lies, all of it. I just can't prove it." I look at him, absorbing what he's telling me. "You need to give me a little more time, I need to get some proof and then I'm going to need your help, because I don't think I can do this on my own." He pauses, "Will you help me?"

I hug him to me, "You know I will. Why can't you tell me? Robert, whatever it is, I can help you better if I know what's going on."

"Aaron, this isn't easy for me. Please just let me do this in my own time, can you do that?" I nod and I kiss his head once more. I can't even begin to think what has him so afraid, but he is. He's afraid and pushing him won't help or change that. I just need to make sure I'm there for him and hope he'll keep opening up to me.

"Can you talk to Andy?"

I feel his body stiffen up and he's suddenly very anxious, "No....., no I can't..... Aaron I can't.....," I see tears beginning to form and he's trying to hold them back.

"Shush, shhhhh. It's okay, it's okay Robert. We don't have to tell him anything if you don't want to," I hold him close to me. "Andy loves you. Whatever crap you both have going on, I know he loves you." I feel Robert cling onto me tighter.

Robert's shaking his head, "He won't understand, I don't even know if I can make you all believe me. Aaron I don't even know if you'll understand and you know me as well as anyone in Emmerdale now, except Chrissie." He's almost whispering, "She knows me, she knows how to hold me to her." I wrap as much of me around him as I can, to try and make him feel safe. I kiss his head and his face gently, shushing him, kissing away his tears now falling down his cheeks, until they stop and he feels calmer. "Just give me until after New Year and I'll try and explain, okay? You have to trust me on this, please."

"I do. I will. Just make sure you're okay. You hear me?" He nods, "I love you Robert." 

.

I move to lie on top of him, stroking his hair, kissing his lips softly. My hands start to move over his body, Robert's definitely not been pigging out on the Christmas turkey that's for sure, he feels a lot leaner and thinner. Our kissing gets more intense and we start to move against each other. For the first time between us, he turns over and pulls me to push inside him. He's very tight, it's not his first time like this, but it was a long time ago. I have to go very slow in the beginning so not to hurt him, we need quite a lot of lube; but once he starts to relax, he gets more needy, driving back into me as I push deeper. I move him over onto his back and has his left leg over my shoulder with me holding onto his hips as we fuck. I enjoy watching him stroke himself, especially when his face changes as he gets closer. He's always so expressive, I can see his reaction from how hard or where I hit to give him the most pleasure. I take over jerking him off and he puts his hands now on my hips. I know I'm close. I stroke him off so we come pretty much together. He has to brush my hand away because he is too sensitive and I continue to tease him a little, but he laughs at me and rolls me over pinning me down. I pull off the condom and we lie together, kissing for a while. We spend the entire afternoon making love and finally lie quietly in each other's arms, dozing until the alarm goes off. "Time to go to work, I promised Moira I'd be back by six. You coming with me?"

"Yeah, Chrissie thinks I'm at work, so I need to be there. Let's hope she doesn't find out I haven't been there this afternoon."

"Well just tell her you weren't feeling well and you had a lie down in Diane's room. I wasn't here remember, I was out."

He smirks at me, "Mmmh, I'll remember that for when we are together properly, so I can check you're not sneaking out on me."

"You won't have to, because you'll be in bed with me, just like now." We kiss again, before reluctantly getting changed. We don't have time for a shower, I like that I can smell him on me all night whilst we are working. Slowly he is becoming more like his old self and chatting more to the customers. Andy and Katie are in for the night and as Robert looks pretty much okay again, Andy is back to his usual off-hand self with him."

Chrissie comes in later, but I ignore her almost completely. This time I make her wait whilst we clear up the bar. I manage to be polite when they leave, but I feel myself seething as soon as I close the door behind them. I don't know what she's got on him and I don't care, I just know we need to get him away from her and the sooner the better. He's clearly too scared to tell Andy, but if he's this afraid, then we are going to need more than just me. I made my mind up earlier when he wouldn't talk to me or tell me what she had over him and I had snuck a call to Paddy. I hear him knock at the back door, more or less as soon as Robert and Chrissie had gone, "So what's so important then. It sounded serious."

I look at him, "You'd best come in. I'll make a brew and tell me what you think."

TBC


	8. Out Of Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chrissie becomes more extreme.

Robert - 31st December 2015

Chrissie had tried to sleep with me a couple of times since she got back, but I had found a way to stop her and she hadn't pushed it. I think she was actually feeling a little remorse about locking me in the storehouse and leaving me there; she had even got me a prescription from the doctors to help with my cough.

I can't bear to be near her or even in the same room with her. She came into my bed last night but I had pretended to be asleep. She must have stood watching me for a while as I could hear her breathing. I hardly ever pull the curtains because I like to watch the moon when it's out, it helps relax me to go to sleep and I like to be woken up by the light streaming in through the window. I could never do this when we slept in the same bed, but I can do what I want now I wake up on my own.

She had climbed on top of me and eventually I had opened my eyes, but I didn't respond to her at all. I just lay there looking away from her. I'd made love with Aaron so much during the afternoon and then I had jerked off in the shower whilst thinking about him when I got home, that when she tried to get me hard, my dick for once, wasn't playing ball. She eventually gave up in frustration, even she couldn't control everything and had gone back to her own room. I had turned over and gone to sleep. It's stupid the little things that feel like a victory, even if they're not, not really. Chrissie tried again with me today before I left for work, but I wouldn't let her near me. I know I can only keep this up for so long before she loses it with me and I have to give her what she needs. I need to make her angry for my plan to work.

.

The other day I was up in the attic looking for an old lamp that Chrissie wanted in her room. It had never been unpacked after we moved and was amongst some of the stuff belonging to Lawrence, which is when I found some of the security cameras from the old house. It was a much more modern house than this one and Lawrence had installed a high tech security system. It had come with four small mobile spy cameras, that he used to like to move around the house. This was what has set the final plan in place for me to try and get out of here for good. I've managed to link them into the computer in the office through the wifi. There is a camera in my room, the kitchen, the hall and the living room; these are the four rooms we spend the most time in together. The feed is stored onto a drive I know she never uses. Chrissie isn't the only one that can crack passwords and in general she never was too savvy with the computer. I need to get her into the right room and I might have to take a few bad days with her to push the right buttons, but usually when I do, the threats about what she has over me just pour out; it's part of how she controls me. I'm resigned that there's a high risk I'll go to prison, but I'll fight her as much as I can. If I can get her spilling enough on camera, it should be enough to get the police and Lawrence to believe me and keep my family safe. I won't give Aaron up, being with him has finally given me the will to fight back.

.

Chrissie doesn't bother to come to New Years Eve at the pub, she's probably drinking herself into a stupor at home. It was the early hours when we finally locked up, I had made out with Aaron for a while. We were too tired to make love and it would have made me too late to get home, but once we start, we struggle to stop and I wanted him so much. Instead of clearing up, I gave him a blow job; I took my time with him. I love to make him beg, it's such a turn on; he had gripped hold so hard when he came in my mouth. I smile just remembering it as I walk home, thinking about his body and how good he tastes; I know every inch of his body now. I can't wait until we can be together properly as a couple. It's almost two when I get in and I'm still smiling when I crash in bed asleep.

.

Robert - 1st January 2016

New Years day is pretty quiet, most people partied out from the night before, Chrissie had come in and even eaten at the pub with me, which is a first. As it was quiet we went home early, Aaron saying he could manage on his own; it was easier this way than having her watch us all the time.

I had my shower as usual after getting in, then go to make my hot chocolate to take to bed but I find that Chrissie has already made it for me; she's downing a vodka as she passes it to me, "Happy New Year Robert. I put you a shot of whiskey in it, you know how you like some times." I look at her to see what kind of game she's playing. She doesn't usually do anything without a reason but I can't see one as she goes into the sitting room with her drink. Going up-to bed I finish my hot chocolate and soon go to sleep.

.

Robert - 2nd January 2016

Waking up the next morning to the sound of the alarm ringing at the usual time, I open my eyes which feel heavy; sitting up there's a pain shooting through my head and I have to lie back down. It feels as though I'm very hung over, yet I don't think I drank much last night; saying that I can't seem to really remember last night at all, I don't even remember coming to bed. I lie in bed a while before I try again to get up, but my head starts spinning and my vision is all blurry that I lie back down again. Something else isn't right, I'm just struggling to work out what; my brain isn't functioning properly. I manage to open my eyes and look around me, but all I see is my empty mug on the side and my book, same as normal. I get double vision and I rub my hands over my face to try and make it go away, to wake myself up properly, but it doesn't really help.

Putting my arms back under the covers I close my eyes until I'm woken again by the snooze of my alarm. I now realise one of the things that isn't right; I'm naked, that's not how I normally sleep. Usually I take my t-shirt off, but I always go to bed with my jama bottoms on. I'm racking my brain to try and remember, but I can't; I don't remember anything. Finally summoning enough energy to get out of bed I practically stumble into my bathroom for a shower where I begin to notice marks on my body as I wash myself. When I get out, I look in the mirror and I have some bruising on my abdomen and my lower back. I ache, I ache everywhere, even inside me. I know I didn't sleep with Aaron yesterday, well I'm pretty sure I didn't so why does it feel like I've had sex and if I did, why can't I remember it?

I feel sick and throw up into the toilet bowl; I try and stand up again but I have to throw up a second time. I'm feeling so disoriented that I have to rest against the wall a good minute or so before, still very groggy, I go back into my bedroom and get dressed. I thought breakfast might help but when I get into the kitchen I'm not hungry and the thought of food just makes me feel nauseous again.

.

I still don't feel any better as I walk into the pub for my shift. Sitting on a bar stool I rest my head down on the bar top, wishing I could just go back to sleep. "Crikey what did you get up-to yesterday?" Looking up quickly I see Vic, but my head hurts too much and I rest it back down. My sister is laughing at me probably assuming I had too much to drink last night. I try and think back again to see if I remember drinking that much, but it's all a blur and I'm feeling so tired which isn't helping. Aaron comes in and seeing Vic who is still with me, he smiles and pretty much like Vic assumes I have a hangover. I squint at him, "Did I drink much last night?"

Aaron looks at me curiously, "No, you had a whiskey before you went home, but that's it." Thinking about it more, I remember now the taste of the whiskey and then I get the urge to be sick again and have to rush to the toilets. I don't think there's anything left to be sick with but it doesn't stop me retching. Aaron comes up behind me and puts his hand on my back rubbing it, trying to help me feel better.

"No." Suddenly jerking away from him I stand up; my head is spinning from the speed of my movement and I have to rest my hand on the wall to steady myself. He comes to touch me again but I pull away once more, "Don't." I'm feeling very confused; I don't want him to touch me, I don't want him anywhere near me. He holds back from me now and I can feel him looking at me oddly. He's talking to me, but I'm not really hearing him. I'm seeing two of everything again forcing me to lean against the wall where I rest my head to the side and close my eyes; I'm hardly aware he's even in the same room as me now.

"Robert, look at me, Robert. Did you take something?" I shake my head, confused at why he would ask me that, "Robert are you sure you haven't taken anything?"

I yell at him, suddenly very agitated, "No." Leaning back against the wall I continue, but this time much quieter, "No. I just don't....., I just don't feel very well."

The next thing I remember is being with Vic in her car as she drives me home and then crashing into bed asleep.

.

I wake up with the sweat pouring off me, I'd been having a bad dream or I think it was a dream. It was so real, I really thought I had died in it. Looking at the clock, it's three-thirty in the afternoon and I try to work out what I'd dreamt about, but I can't. It's like I can touch the memory, but I just can't reach it in my mind. Moving onto my front I gasp; my body hurts, the pain feels a lot stronger than this morning and I remember seeing the bruising in the shower. Why didn't it hurt like this then? Where did the bruises even come from? I'm too tired to concentrate, instead I block it all out, shut my eyes and go back to sleep.

After waking up again from having another bad dream, it's now dark outside when I look through the window. I realise I'm shaking; this time I had touched the memory and I know it wasn't a dream. I get a glass of water from the bathroom and look to my bedside table; I don't remember taking my mug to wash, but it's not there anymore. Going stand by the window I stare outside, watching the trees move with the wind. I rest my head against the glass, the cold against my forehead helps to clear my head and I whisper to myself out loud, "What did you do to me Chrissie, what did you do?"

Trembling I close my eyes and force myself to try and remember. I had been asleep, or what had felt like sleep.....

*** the previous night ***

Opening my eyes I can see her sat at the side of me on the bed; Chrissie is talking to me, her hand resting on my front; I want her to go and I try to tell her to leave me alone, but I can't. Her voice fades into the background and I'm not hearing anything she is saying then suddenly her voice is crystal clear, "I saw you looking at him Robert. You were looking at him, like you used to look at me. Do you fancy him Robert, do you want to fuck him? Does he want to fuck you?" I can't focus and I think it's Aaron sat talking to me, undressing me, but I don't feel anything. Everything fades away and when I look again, it's Chrissie I see and I panic. I don't want her anywhere near me and I hear myself say no, well I think I say no. I'm not sure if I really said it out loud or if it's just in my head.

I'm fighting to gain some control, but I can't; I can't seem to move, my body isn't listening to the instructions I'm giving it. My head rolls to the side and I see Chrissie lie down next to me, propping herself up on her elbow. "I know you've been playing hard to get, making me wait." I watch her stand up off the bed and she starts undressing herself until she is naked and she climbs on top of me. I can't even seem to close my eyes to shut her out. I don't feel anything, I know she's on top of me, because I can see her, but I can't feel her and I can't stop her. I start panicking, the more I panic, the more I'm struggling to breathe, "Shhh Robert, Shhh.... that's it." It's not making any difference, even when she slaps me, I don't calm down. She probably hit me quite hard, but I couldn't feel it.

She lies on top of me, stroking my hair, shushing me like a baby, I'm calming down but that's because I'm seeing Aaron again. He's smiling at me, just as he does when we're in bed together, I can smell him whilst I make love to him. I must have blacked out because when I open my eyes, Chrissie is on top of me, straddling my legs and is jerking me off. I'm willing my body not to respond, but I'm not in control, "Good boy Robert, get it nice and hard for me, you know it makes me happy when you're so hard." As my head falls to the side again, I can see her as she moves to suck me off and I can see I'm rock hard. She was always good at giving blow jobs and she knows exactly how to stimulate me. I see her head bobbing up and down as she sucks and licks; I find myself floating, it's like I'm not in my own body anymore. Chrissie switches position so she's now lying beside me again, still stroking me with her hand as she whispers into my ear, "Do you think he sucks as good as I do Robert? Does it make you this hard when you're thinking about him? Do you want me to fuck you like you want him to fuck you?"

I finally manage to speak, "Stop....., Chrissie, please, please stop."

"Why would we want to stop Robert, we're just beginning to enjoy ourselves." She rubs her breasts and moves her fingers down to her clit, I can hear her moan as she masturbates and keeps putting her wet fingers into my mouth until she moves back on top of me where this time she sits down on my cock and starts to ride me whilst running her hands over my body. Everything becomes a blur again and when I open my eyes it's Aaron I see riding me; he's talking to me, but it's more like background noise. I'm reaching for him, but he's moving away from me and I feel as though I'll die if I can't reach him. Snapping out of it, I see Chrissie moving on top of me and I become more aware; she has her hands around my throat. I hear her cry out as she comes, all the while I'm choking; I think I'm dying.

.

I must have blacked out again, because I'm on my front when I open my eyes. I still can't feel anything but I'm crying, I don't know why. All I know is that my body is moving, the room is blurring as she holds my head back, her hands grasping onto my hair. My eyes are staring into space, the ceiling above my bed swirling as my body moves against the bed. I remember saying, "No", but I didn't hear the words out loud. I'm helpless to stop her as she rolls me onto my back once more and pushes my legs out to the side as she moves to kneel between them. Her fingers slide once more inside me and she starts to jerk me off with her other hand. She's talking to me, she's talking to me about Aaron I think and I slide back into my own world with him, but he's laughing at me. The more I tried to reach for him, the further away he is moving from me. Whatever fucking universe I'm floating in, I'm really upset because I think I'll never see him again. The last bit, probably only lasts a couple of minutes or so but feels more like five hours in my mind, was a living hell and I couldn't get out.

Chrissie is watching me with a twisted smile, "Would he be happy to know you came for him in my hand?" She was pushing her hand in and out of my mouth, forcing my come into me. My body was convulsing and I was gagging, but I didn't feel any of it as I closed my eyes, floating into unconsciousness.

TBC


	9. Trust Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert ends things with Aaron and withdraws completely.

Aaron - 3rd Jan 2016

I wasn't sure if Robert would be in today, he isn't answering my texts and I'm beginning to get concerned. He finally turns up, but ignores me when I say hello and heads straight into the back room, eventually appearing with a coffee. I smile at him nervously, he looks tired and still doesn't seem his usual self. "You okay? You were well out of it yesterday." I go to put my hand on his arm but he pulls away before I can touch him. "What's going on Robert? I'm worried about you. Have you spoken to Chrissie about us, have you told her that you're leaving her? Is that what's up?"

He turns to look at me, he looks straight at me, his eyes hard, "Why on earth would I leave her for you? There is no 'us', there never was." He walks out of the bar into the back room again.

I follow him, stunned. "Robert? What's going on?"

He ignores me as he gets the clean mats and tea towels off the side and starts to walk back towards the bar.

"Robert, tell me what she has on you." After grabbing hold of his arm he pushes me back violently so I'm up against the door. He stands close to me, but not touching. I've never heard him talk or look like this, with so much vehemence. 

"This is my choice Aaron. I don't want you, I never did." He has a hint of a twisted smile as he continues, "I was just playing with you to see how far you'd fall. It's what I do, play games, they all warned you right?" He's laughing at me, "What? You think you were special? Why should you be any different to all my other conquests?" He's still laughing at me but his eyes tell a different story, his eyes are dead.

"I don't believe you, you're lying; stop lying to me and stop lying to yourself." I try and find something in him to hold onto, the Robert I fell in love with, "It is different, I know it's different with us." I reach out to put my hands on his face but he pushes me away from him so hard that I smash back against the door again.

Before I can catch my breath, he wraps his hand round my throat, gripping so tightly that I'm soon struggling for air. My hands are fighting him, trying to drag his away from my throat but I start to feel myself go dizzy as he talks to me, "Trust me, you don't know anything Aaron. I don't love you. Got it? You were just a distraction, a challenge to see if I could get you into bed. Well I did and now I'm bored of you."

I can feel myself slipping into darkness but suddenly he releases me causing me to half fall to the ground, bending over coughing as I feel the air rushing back into my lungs, "This isn't you talking Robert. I don't believe anything you're saying. I know you love me."

Standing back up I lean against the wall where I see him sneer at me. His face is so close that I can feel his breath on my cheek, his hand is resting above my head on the wall and his eyes lock with mine, "I could never love someone like you. I mean you said it yourself right, who the fuck would want to love you?" Robert's laughing cruelly at me again and I can feel my tears building as he continues, his tone cold and pitying, "You were so easy, it was so easy to pull your strings, those broken heartstrings. Poor broken Aaron could relate, it was so fucking funny....., but you see I made it up, I made it all up." He looks at me as though I'm nothing, his voice practically a whisper, "What? You didn't think I knew how fucked up you are? Everyone knows Aaron, no-one wants damaged goods like you."

Vic walks in and stares at us; she knows she's interrupted something serious between us, but Robert just stands back and walks out without saying anything. I watch him go shell-shocked. Could I really have been so wrong, so stupid that he duped me like that? "You okay Aaron?"

I look back at Vic but I'm too hurt and thrown by what had just happened to say anything. I'm saved by the drayman knocking and I go outside to sort the delivery without answering her.

.

Robert - 5th Jan 2016

She's yelling at me, but I'm not listening which just makes her worse. Chrissie hates being ignored, she always did, I feel myself hit the fridge as she pushes me back hard, trying to get a response, but I haven't got anything to say to her. I haven't spoken a word to Chrissie since New Year's Day. She is lashing out more as a result of my silence, every time resorting to violence of every kind to get some kind of reaction out of me. I just keep saying to myself over and over, go on Chrissie, do it, make good on that threat, kill me, I dare you, kill me. I never say the words out loud, I just stand there letting her hit me, over and over. The pain is pulling me in, it helps me zone out; if I focus on that, everything else just goes away. It's easier the more tired I get. I don't sleep and I don't eat, what's the point. When she's finished hitting me, I go for a shower, I think it must be my third or fourth today; I'll probably have another later and then again when I get in from work. I keep trying to get clean, but I can't no matter how hard I try.

I don't think Chrissie suspects, not for sure anyway, that anything had been going on with Aaron, it had just been her jealous paranoia talking and she got off on thinking that I could want him sexually. I think of Aaron and how he had looked at me when I cut things off with him but I don't feel anything. It's better this way.

.

Aaron - 6th Jan 2016

Robert has pretty much blanked me completely since he ended it the other day. I had tried a couple more times to talk to him; the last time he threatened to quit and have me done for harassment unless I leave him alone. I know he's lying to me and I'd spoken to Paddy for some more advice, but without Robert admitting what's going on, we have nothing to help him with. Going to Andy and probably even Vic will just push him further away. Diane will be back at the end of January, so we don't have long to go until then, maybe she can get through to him. Robert does his job but it's almost like working with a ghost; he hardly talks and never smiles anymore. Even Katie's given up trying to wind him up, it's like he doesn't even hear her when she's trying to get a rise out of him. It spoils her fun when he doesn't even seem to care.

Walking into the bar I see Robert, quiet and withdrawn, staring into space as Eric asks him for his usual, but it's like Robert is on a different planet. I don't think he even heard Eric, "I'll get that Eric, Robert's just having one of those days." I glance at him but he blanks me as usual and walks out into the back. We have a sudden rush on, the tea-time regulars, but they all seem to land at once and Robert is no-where in sight. Eventually everyone is sorted and there is a little lull, so I get chance to stop for five minutes. "Marlon, do me a favour will you? Just watch the bar for a few minutes, I need to go check on something."

He knows I mean Robert and nods at me. Everyone's noticed Robert's change in behaviour. He's never rude, he's always polite. He does his job, well other than today he's not really, but Robert's not Robert. I call out for him, "Robert?" I go searching, but he's no-where downstairs and he's not in the cellar. I'm about to give up when I'm sure I can hear running water upstairs in the bathroom. Going up I knock on the bathroom door, "Robert are you in there? Robert open up, let me in; I need to know you're okay." There's no response, "Robert please, just open the door." It takes me by surprise when trying the door handle that it opens and that he hadn't locked it. Mum is in hospital for her op and if I had wanted the loo, I would use downstairs usually during the day. He probably didn't think I'd come looking.

.

I open the door and walk in, what I see shocks me; I stare at him aghast. Cautiously I walk over to him, he's not even registered I'm there I don't think. I don't know whether to try and touch him or not. Robert's in the bath, naked with the water from the shower above the bath bouncing off his face and body and when I put my hand to feel the temperature, it's cold.

Immediately I switch the shower off, wondering how long he's been sat like this. Robert's trembling with cold, huddled in the bath rocking with his arms hugging his knees to him; he's just staring at the other end of the bath. He's covered in bruises and I mean covered. I reach out with my hand but decide to pull back, not wanting to spook him, "Robert?" Nothing, he doesn't respond in any way, "Robert, look at me. Please just look at me." Still nothing.

I reach out with my hand again to his shoulder and this time there is a reaction; it happens before I even touch him. His entire body pulls back and he bats away my hand violently, the force knocking me backwards onto the floor. When I kneel back up he's rocking again, still staring at the same spot at the other end of the bath; but he's not really staring at anything, his eyes look empty, just like the other day. I'm not even sure he knows it's me, "Robert....., who did this to you?"

I get into the bath and kneel opposite him. "I can't help you Robert if you won't talk to me. Tell me who did this to you, please, you need to get help." I reach out with my hand, but again before I even touch him he jerks away from me. I keep my voice calm, "I love you Robert and I know you love me. I don't know what's going on, but I know that you want it to stop." I pause, I need to find a way to get through to him without him wanting to hit out at me or trying to hurt himself. 

I sit back on my heels, keeping some space between us. "I saw you that day in the quarry." I pause, unsure how to continue. "I never said anything, I didn't know how but I know what it feels like to want to end it all; I tried to kill myself once. Cain and Adam found me, but it didn't change anything; I still wanted to die." I scoff thinking back to his tirade the other day, "I suppose you know all that. I got past it, but I was still a mess and some things happened that I couldn't deal with that fucked me up completely. I did things to hurt myself and everyone around me because I couldn't cope with the pain anymore." I pause and take a deep breath, "When I cut myself, it was the only thing that helped. I would have probably ended up slitting my wrists if it wasn't for mum and Paddy getting through to me." I'd only ever admitted that to the therapist before today and it still scares me that I could one day be back in that place again; it will always be inside me I suppose. "You called me broken and maybe I am but I'm okay with that." I pause and watch him a minute. "I made it to here Robert and here's not a bad place to be. I have my family and Paddy. I met you and I fell in love with you. You can try and push me away all you like," I shake my head slightly, "but I'm not going anywhere."

.

Having stopped talking, there's a silence between us. Robert shows no sign of having heard me and he hasn't moved at all. I need to get him out of the bath somehow, "You don't have to talk okay, but you're freezing, so we need to get you dry." Leaning to the side I pull a big bath towel from over the rail. "I'm going to put this round you and then you're going to let me help you get out of the bath. We can go into my room and you can lie down and get warm; sleep, whatever, okay?" He doesn't say anything, but I take a risk, "I want you to trust me Robert, just trust me. I'm going to hold your hand, I'm not going to touch you anywhere else okay? You're going to stand up with me; I'll give you the towel and you can wrap it round yourself if you don't want me to help."

This has every possibility of going wrong, I have no idea if he's listening or how he will react to me touching him. Reaching out I hesitate, but when I put my hand on his, he lets me hold it and I coax him up and out of the bath. I hold the towel for him but he ignores it. I'm even more shocked at the state of his body now he's stood up. I realise just how thin he is and can see the full extent of the bruising; it just looks like someone started hitting him and never stopped. I move in closer to him, whispering, "Trust me Robert," I wrap the towel round his waist then move back from him slightly. Robert leans with his side against the wall, his head resting against the tiles; I move so I'm in front of him, leaning against the wall, standing just in front of him, "Give me your hand."

I know he's heard me. I hold my hand out to him but I don't touch him; he needs to decide. He hesitates, but finally he holds my hand. He won't look at me still, but he squeezes it and I see a tear fall as he starts to cry. I hadn't intended doing anything other than taking him into my room but instead I pull Robert to me. He rests his head on my shoulder and I don't know whether to hold him or not, but I put my hand on his head and he makes the decision for me as he holds me tight letting me wrap my arms around him, "Come on, come with me."

He stumbles a bit, he's very anxious, "Steady, it's okay, there's no-one here; Marlon's covering, it's just you and me." Holding him by the hand I wrap my arm around his waist and after quickly checking that the coast is clear, with me practically carrying him, we go into my room. I sit him on my bed and he gets under the duvet, wrapping it around him whilst I sit with my legs stretched out on the bed, sat up leaning with my back up against the headboard. Robert curls into a ball hardly visible with the duvet around him, but he's leaning with his head on my stomach and puts his hand in mine. His weeping was barely audible at first, but soon he is openly sobbing, the weight of the emotion taking over. I don't know how long we are like this until he stops, but eventually he does and it goes quiet until just every now and again there's a huff and he takes a deep breath, his chest heaving.

.

"Robert, I know it's hard, I know you don't want to talk, but I've seen...., I've seen all the marks on your body and don't give me a story about being mugged in Hotten. I know something really bad is going on. If you love me and you want to be with me, like I think you do, then the only way to make that happen, is for us to make this all stop.

Robert moves away from me and curls up hugging himself tightly. I feel completely out of my depth with him but I move to lie down opposite him, so my head is close by his. I don't try and touch him or hold him, "I love you and I know you love me. You do don't you?"

He takes a deep breath, then nods. For the first time he looks at me and speaks, his voice barely a whisper loud enough for me to hear, "Chrissie, it was Chrissie."

I don't say anything and wait for him to continue, his body rocking slightly, "I couldn't remember. I thought it was all in my head; I was so confused. I kept thinking it was you but I knew it wasn't." Robert is getting himself worked up and begins to panic, "She wouldn't stop, I begged her to stop Aaron. I wanted to stop her, but I couldn't....., I couldn't Aaron, I couldn't move." I realise what he's telling me and everything about how he's been in the last few days starts to makes sense. I watch him and it's like he pushes himself through a mental barrier, deciding whether to let me in all the way.

He moves into my arms and I wrap myself around him, "Breathe Robert. Slowly, take deep breaths. That's it, just take your time, you're safe now, I promise."

Robert manages to calm down and for the first time, starts to relax against me. I kiss his forehead and he continues, "I think she drugged me, I couldn't move Aaron." Robert is crying again, "She....., she was on top of me and she......, she.....," I can feel him start to panic once more but much worse and his voice is cracking, "Oh god Aaron, she was inside me she...... . I couldn't stop her...." He's struggling to breathe and I hold him, I have a hand on his head and this time he's pushing into me, needing the closeness between us to help him calm down again. When he's settled back down I pull my phone out of my pocket and text Marlon to get the bar covered for the rest of the night and that I'll explain later. "Tell me everything, tell me from the beginning."

TBC


	10. One More Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert needs to get the proof from the Home Farm computer to go to the police.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 and 11 posted together.  
> After some thought, ending this as I originally intended leaves the story feeling a little bit incomplete, so I've decided to continue a few chapters more to cover some of the fall out. Probably not many, I will just see how it goes.

Robert - 6th Jan 2016

I've got changed into my clothes and am getting ready to leave. Aaron's concern is written all over his face, "You can't go back there on your own Robert, I won't let you."

He's frustrated with me and doing his best not kick off as I try to explain, "Look, I'll be okay. I don't know how easy it will be tonight to get what I need off the computer, but I should be able to by the morning now Chrissie is back at work. Just let me go back home as normal and then tomorrow when I come into work we can go to the police."

Aaron is standing in front of me by the bedroom door, blocking my way to leave, "This is a bad idea Robert, let me call Cain and we'll come with you, or you stay here and we'll break in and get the computer."

"No," my response is abrupt and Aaron looks at me startled by it being so agressive making me soften my tone, "I don't want anything to kick off, or in any way give her ammunition to twist things against us and she will. She's smart Aaron, she's thought of everything. Anyway don't forget you're picking Chas up from hospital first thing as well."

I can hear the exasperation in Aaron's voice, "Paddy can sort mum or anyone. Robert I don't want you anywhere near her, I can't just go to sleep as normal with you there after what you've told me."

I shake my head, tired, "You promised your mum you'd pick her up and I'll be fine." Sitting on the bed I rub my forehead with my hand; I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I don't have the strength to argue with him.

"She'll understand." Aaron comes over and kneels in front of me. He reaches out, but quickly stops himself as I shrink away from him alarmed. I don't want to be touched, I've let Aaron in today and I've needed to hold him, but when I'm not expecting it, the thought of even his touch scares me and makes my skin crawl. He lets his hands fall back to his sides, his eyes are searching mine; I know he's trying his best to help me.

.

I look at him sadly, "Sorry." I need time, we both need time to process everything; I used to be impulsive, just like Aaron, but I've changed. Chrissie has changed me in ways that sometimes I don't recognise myself anymore. I know Aaron is struggling inside with everything. I have told him all of it, everything; all the good times and the bad. Aaron might have got through to me this tea-time and finally telling him was a kind of release, I don't regret it but I'm very frightened and nothing he says will make it go away. In this respect the fact he knows makes me worse; I can't seem to make him understand how dangerous she is when she's provoked or if she suspects anything, one phone call and people I love the most would be hurt. I need to keep them safe otherwise it will all be for nothing, "Look, I'll be here around nine-thirty same as usual, just be here for me then." Getting up I go back to the door with him following me, his eyes are pleading with me to stay, "Aaron please. Give me tonight, it will be easier this way. One more night isn't going to change anything." 

Aaron shakes his head, he's upset and angry with me, "Exactly, one more night to let her beat the crap out of you." I don't retaliate to this, he wouldn't get that the beatings are the easiest to deal with. I'd take a beating over her mind games any day.

"Look, if I'm not here by ten, then come get me at the house, bring Cain, whatever." I give him the best smile I have, which isn't really a smile, but it's the closest I can get. "I'll see you in the morning Aaron." I leave closing the door behind me before he can say or do anything more, thankfully he doesn't follow me. 

The cold night air hits me as I walk outside into the car park, it's helping me think as I walk through the village. Looking at my watch, I have some time, I'm earlier leaving than normal. My stomach is in knots; I have to play the game one more night, just one more night and it scares the shit out of me. I can't help thinking what if I screwed up with the cameras or something goes wrong; then what do I do? They won't believe me or Aaron without proof or something to back it up. Now Aaron knows he won't let me go back again after tonight so then how do I protect my family or him?

.

Aaron - 7th Jan 2016

I almost rang Paddy and Cain, we could have gone and gotten Robert out of there last night. I didn't in the end, but I'm still not convinced I'm doing the right thing as I look at my phone for the millionth time to see if he's texted to say he's at the pub and everything's okay. Robert's been living this hell with her for all these months and not said anything. He was so scared yesterday. I suppose that's the reason I'm going along with him, he knows her better than anyone and he's not the only one scared about what could happen to Vic or Andy. I did ring Cain last night to ask him to come to the hospital to pick mum up with me, this way he's with me if I need him. I had to feed him a story, not sure he bought it though.

It's nine-thirty and we're on our way back from hospital. Mum is chattering away, her usual mix of winding us up and complaining she can't get comfortable. Cain keeps looking across at me, noticing I'm permanently glancing at my phone, "You going to tell me what's going on?"

I look across at him and don't say anything. Mum has gone quiet, she's listening. She knew I'd been acting weird at the hospital, they both did. "Not yet. I can't. I just might need some help with something."

"What kind of something? Are you in trouble?" Cain is studying me in-between watching the road.

"No, not me. A friend....., someone I care about." I stare out of the car window to avoid Cain's looks. I want to tell them, I haven't slept all night from worrying, but I promised Robert I would wait.

.

It's just about ten when we pull up outside the pub and I'm now beginning to freak out; Robert's still not called. After what happened with the text, I daren't call him. I rush into the pub without waiting for mum or Cain when we get there. Vic and Marlon are both in the kitchen already, "You seen Robert?"

Vic looks worried as soon as she sees my face, "No, he's not in yet. What's going on Aaron? Marlon said he was well weird yesterday and that neither of you were at work all night. I'm not stupid, I know something's going on with him but he won't talk to me; even Andy's worried."

I don't answer her, instead I call Paddy and tell him to get over here as I start searching through the pub to see if he's here; upstairs, anywhere. When I go into the back room, Cain is settling mum onto the sofa. He can see from my face that I'm now in full-on panic. Vic and Marlon both come in, Vic wanting an answer. "Aaron?" I glance at the clock again and it's after ten.

"Alright Aaron, it's time you talked. What's going on?" Cain knows I'm afraid, everyone turns to look at the door as Paddy comes in, only for everyone to turn back and look at me.

I'm a little out of breath from rushing round the pub after checking all the rooms, "I don't know where to start and we don't have time for me to tell you everything. We have to go get Robert out of Home Farm."

Mum huffs, her expression changes as soon as she hears his name, "Whatever he's done, he probably brought it on himself, he usually does." She scoffs and looks at my face and the penny drops, "What him, oh Aaron please don't tell me you fallen for Robert Sugden?"

I lose my rag, "Be quiet mum, just be quiet; this is serious. It's because of people like you, Katie and Andy always having a go, that he doesn't feel like he has anyone, that no-one would believe him. It's all an act, she's fucked up mum. Chrissie...., she....., she hurts him, she hurts him very badly. We've been having an affair for weeks, I knew something was wrong; I finally got him to tell me everything yesterday."

Mum just sneers, "How can you believe him? It's probably a whole pack of lies, that's what he does Aaron. He manipulates people."

I glare at mum angrily, "He didn't make up the bruises I saw on his body, he's covered in them mum. Everyone knows he's been all weird this last few days, since before Christmas really. She's tapped, she did more, a whole lot more to hurt and control him."

Vic finally says something, in shock from what I'm saying, "I don't understand Aaron, you're not making any sense. If that's true, why would he stay? Why wouldn't he say anything?"

"She has stuff on him, he's scared and if he can't prove it was her; he could go to prison for a long time. He doesn't care about that anymore, but he loves you and Andy. She threatened to hurt you if he tried to leave or tell anyone. He went back to get proof and we were going to the police today. He made me promise to wait until now but what if we're too late? What if she's done something really bad to him? I turn to look at Cain, She'd kill him if she found out about me or that he's leaving. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff she's done. We need to go..... now.... please, I can't lose him."

"Marlon, Vic you look after the pub. Open up as usual okay, everything normal," Cain turns to me and Paddy, "You two, with me. Keep calm Aaron, let's just get up-to Home Farm and see if we can find him okay?"

I turn to Vic as we leave, "Vic, you need to tell Andy what's going on. I know Andy loves him, he's going to need you both." She nods as she wipes away her tears.

.

Cain speeds up-to Home Farm, "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Say what Cain? I knew something was wrong, but not anything like this. I saw stuff before, he just fobbed me off with a story and I believed him. Fucking hell I believed him." I look out of the window, feeling guilty that I'd not pushed Robert sooner and harder, but I'm not sure he would have told me. I wipe away a tear, "He tried to kill himself, he was so close. I saw him Cain, I saw him stood on the side of the quarry. That's why I didn't want to push too hard, I was worried what he would do." I look at Cain and I think he understands.

As we pull up outside the door to Home Farm it looks the same as always. I run out of the car before Cain can stop me; I'm not thinking rationally about any of this, I just need to find him. The door's unlocked and I rush in, "Robert, Chrissie.....? You here?"

Cain and Paddy are behind me now and we go into the kitchen; Cain looks at me, he's beginning to believe how serious this is. The kitchen looks like a bomb has hit it, it's practically wrecked. I see some blood on the floor, Cain and Paddy see it too. We walk through into the living room which is also pretty much wrecked the same and there's some more blood on the carpet. I look at Cain, "We need to call the police."

Cain nods, "Paddy, you call the police. Aaron, we'll check the rest of the house."

I remember what Robert had told me, "Outside....., we should check the stables. She locked him in there over Christmas. He wasn't in Portugal, he was here all the time." Cain looks at me disbelieving but doesn't say anything as we go outside whilst Paddy dials the police.

We've pretty much searched everywhere we can think of, even down in the cellars but we don't find Robert or Chrissie. I go into the old office which they use as a study, the computer is still there; nothing in here seems to have been touched, "He said he had cameras around and that it was all being saved onto a drive on the computer. This is what he came back for, proof, he said all the proof is on here."

We're interrupted by the police turning up and I have to start explaining to them what I told the others earlier. I'm getting frustrated that this is taking too long, "We need to find him....., you need to check what's on that computer. I know what it sounds like, but I believe him when he told me she's dangerous and that she'll kill him." I see one of the cameras on the floor, "Shit, what if she found out? What if she found out Cain?"

I force myself to keep calm as I sit answering questions, Cain and Paddy listening in whilst officers are searching the house and the grounds. My phone rings, it's mum and I stand up, my panic rising again. After the call ends, I'm in shock for a moment. "It's Chrissie....., she's at the pub. Oh god she's at the pub." I run out quickly before anyone can react and I get into Cain's car, he'd left the keys in and I speed off to the village. They're all shouting after me and I see them following me in the rear view mirror, I just put my foot down harder. I didn't tell them quite everything mum had said, "She had said, Chrissie wanted to talk to me and I could tell by her voice something was off, she sounded scared. She didn't say anything else, but she was definitely frightened.

.

I screech the car to a stop in front of the pub, leaving the car door wide open I run inside, stopping abruptly when I see mum. Chrissie smiles at me, "Lock the door Aaron, there's a good boy."

TBC


	11. Mind Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chrissie plays games with Aaron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 and 11 posted together.

Aaron - 7th Jan 2016

I hesitate, still in shock. I jump as Chrissie shouts my name impatiently, "Aaron." I turn round but Cain, Paddy and the two police sergeants all walk in, like me they stop as soon as they see mum and Chrissie. I go and lock the door and then walk back into the bar. Chrissie is sat at a table, she has a large glass of wine with the bottle open on the table. Mum is sat next to her, visibly shaking; Chrissie is pointing a gun at her.

She was back to smiling Chrissie, her voice all sweetness and light, "Come and sit down Aaron, let's have a chat. Shall we?"

I look at Cain and then at the police sergeant next to him, they both nod. I go over and sit in the chair opposite her, "You want a glass?" I shake my head, "Sure? It's not bad, well not for village fare anyway." She peers over at the others who followed me in and dismisses them with a wave of her hand, "Well take a seat folks, don't stand on ceremony just for me." They go and sit with the others. It's after twelve already and the start of the lunchtime crowd are all there. There's Marlon, Vic, now with Andy and Adam. Then there's Kerry, Edna and Pearl with Rhona, Nicola and Jimmy plus a few other of the regulars.

I look at her, I'm strangely calm, "Where is he Chrissie? What did you do to Robert?"

"Well I actually thought he was here at work, I just called in to see him, when his rather odd family started accusing me of all sorts. Apparently I have you to thank for that."

"Don't lie Chrissie, you know where he is. I've seen the state of Home Farm, downstairs is trashed and there's blood....., is it Robert's?"

"What blood?" Chrissie looks at me innocently. 

"There's blood in the kitchen and the living room. It doesn't look like it came from you, so who did it come from?"

"Robert can be careless sometimes, maybe he had an accident; these things happen." Chrissie has a smile still, but it's not a nice smile and she is pointing the gun at me now, "Chas, I'd like to talk to Aaron a little more one on one if you don't mind." Mum looks at me. She doesn't want to leave me I can tell, but she knows arguing won't help. She gets up slowly, still in pain with her back; fortunately she's on strong painkillers from the hospital. She goes and sits with Cain and Paddy and I can feel everyone staring at us, waiting for whatever comes next. I'm beginning to see the Chrissie that Robert had described to me. It had been hard to imagine how someone like her could do some of the things he had told me, but now I'm seeing it with my own eyes; I understand why he was so scared. I know I need to keep calm, for his sake. I keep pushing away the thought of where he is and if he's okay.

.

She smiles at me, "Let's have a little chat you and me. I'm sure everyone's interested; something to keep the village gossip going." She takes a drink of her wine, her hand holding the gun pointed at me never wavers. "Robert tried to leave me long before we moved here, did he tell you?" I don't answer, I don't want to give her anything to use against him. "What was I supposed do? I couldn't just let him walk out on me, leaving me on my own after everything we'd been through. I love my husband Aaron. I took my vows seriously when I made them and I have no intention of breaking them. I meant it when I said until death us do part. I made him understand and it was all okay, it was all good until we moved here. You....., you changed everything." She practically spat the words at me. I stay quiet and Chrissie watches me intently for a while. "Do you know what it's like to be alone, truly alone? Because if you do Aaron, then you know why I couldn't let him go."

My eyes never leave Chrissie, I daren't look at anyone in the room. Robert said that Chrissie likes to play mind games, that it turns her on, "Yes, I know what it feels like." I had felt like that after the trial for killing Jackson and then for a while in France after splitting up with Ed.

"Are you in love with my husband Aaron?" I don't say anything, my mind is whirring about how she knows. Robert had said she didn't know about us, unless she forced it out of him last night and in that case I daren't think about what she might have done to him. "Come now, you can tell me, I'm sure he won't mind." I look across to Paddy, "Answer the question Aaron. Are you in love with my husband?"

I turn back to look at Chrissie, "Yes."

"Mmmhh, I could tell the way you look at him. I've been with Robert a good few years and I know him better than he knows himself. I know how he looks when he's in love. How he looks at you is how he used to look at me. Is Robert in love with you Aaron?

My eyes don't waver from hers, "Yes."

She has a satisfied smile on her face, "I knew he lied to me. He said nothing was going on, but you see I know him. I know his body and I know how his mind works. I know when he's lying." Chrissie pauses, "Interesting, didn't know he had a thing for men as well." I feel all hot, a mix of all the attention and I still have my coat on. She asks the question I'm dreading, "Did you sleep with him?" I don't answer and her eyes are taunting me, "Come now Aaron, you've made it this far in telling the truth, you may as well tell me the rest. I mean I am his wife, I think I have a right to know."

"Where is he Chrissie?"

"He's sleeping. He looks so angelic when he's sleeps, don't you think?" Her answer scares me, just what does she mean by sleeping. She's smiling at me, like she's lost in a happy memory, then her face turns hard as she rests her chin on her hand. Her eyes are boring into mine, "Did you fuck my husband Aaron? I think you did, didn't you?"

.

I let the silence linger, I don't answer, she knows from my face that we did. "Times up...... you lose." It feels like we are in the middle of a sadistic game show, she has the voice down pat. "You should know there are consequences when you don't the answer the question and what a forfeit we have today ladies and gentlemen." It's amazing how her voice and face switch from one minute to another as she turns nasty once more, "Undress."

I look at her shocked, not quite sure if she's serious, "No."

"You want to know where he is don't you? I want to know what he sees when he is in bed with you." She points the gun away from me, moving it up and down at the others; her hand lingers when she gets to mum and Paddy. "Don't be shy Aaron, you're amongst friends and family. But if you don't want to know where he is, I understand....., and well it just means you're like Robert; you don't quite understand the value of family." Her smile is twisted, she is clearly getting a kick from this, "You don't realise how much you love them until they're gone." She fires the gun to prove her point, the sound of the bullet hitting the floor just in front of mum was deafening, "Who do you want to lose first?"

"Okay, okay....., don't hurt them please. Don't hurt them, I'll do what you want." I'm trembling as I take my coat off nervously. I hate people seeing my body at any time. Here like this petrifies me.

She's enjoying herself, "Stand up Aaron, I want to see. Don't hide." I take a deep breath and block everyone else in the room out of my mind; if I think about them, I won't be able to do this.

I focus on Chrissie, this is just between her and me; we're in our own private game and Robert is the prize. I stand up, throwing my coat to the side. I take my jumper off and then my t-shirt, dropping them to the floor. My eyes don't leave Chrissie as I slowly start to unbutton the top of my jeans, she's practically drinking in my body, staring at me. I stop and let my hands hang by my side, knowing she's caught up in my scars. It's almost like she wants to touch, she can't tear her eyes away from them, "You like to hurt yourself?"

I'm not ashamed, I look straight at her, "No, no-one likes to hurt themselves."

I can't begin to guess what's going on in her mind, though I can tell that she's fascinated, "So tell me, why does someone like you cut yourself? I assume it was you?"

There's no secret in the village about Jackson and how I had struggled with everything, but now they've seen something they didn't know. "My boyfriend had a serious accident and was tetraplegic. He couldn't cope and wanted to die. He begged me over and over to help him kill himself. Afterwards I couldn't deal with how it felt and cutting was the only thing that helped."

Her voice switches to that of the betrayed wife, "Oh great, my cheating husband was having it off with a murderer; maybe that's his type." I can't work her out. Half the time she is in denial, half the time she seems fully aware of everything. Chrissie is still staring at my stomach, but then her gaze moves to my face. "How did it feel?"

"What?"

"How did it feel when you killed him?"

I tell her the truth, "It felt like I had died with him." It goes quiet between us. I don't continue to undress and she's not pushing me to either. I move a little closer to her, hoping her fixation with my scars is distracting her still, "Where is he Chrissie? I know you hurt him, but if you kill him or let him die, it'll never leave you. It's with you all day, every day; do you understand what I'm saying? When you take a life, it haunts you, it will stay with you forever."

Chrissie looks sad, "I understand all too well Aaron, but it's too late. I can't undo it."

My heart skips a beat, "What do you mean, it's too late?"

Chrissie is clearly affected by what she's saying. For the first time I see emotion that's real, not part of some game, "I didn't mean to do it, he was just lying there; he wasn't breathing." Chrissie stares at me, like she is looking for my sympathy, "Don't you see, he lied to me. How could he lie to me like that? What is it about you men, you're all so disappointing in the end. They all let me down; son, father, husband." I feel a tear run down my face, we're too late; I left it too late. "I didn't mean to kill him, he just made me so angry."

.

Chrissies face and tone changes again and she laughs, her game face is back, "They're together now."

I look at her confused, "I don't follow, who's together?"

"Lachie and Robert of course, who else?"

I'm trying to work out what she means, "Lachie, he's your son right? I thought he's at boarding school?"

She laughs bitterly, "They wouldn't have him, too messed up apparently. Such a beautiful boy when he was little, then that criminal of a father of his, the nerve he had. Coming and telling me I wasn't a good mother and it was all my fault that our son was a pervert. The thing was, Lachie was guilty, he admitted it in the end. He wasn't even sorry. Robert knew he was lying, but I believed him. I mean what mother wants to believe her son is capable of doing something like that? But he did, what kind of mother does that make me?"

"I don't understand Chrissie, are you saying you killed Lachie?"

"It had made me sick, just to look at him. I didn't want him in the house, we were rowing and I pushed him; he fell down the stairs. It's unbearable to lose a son, no-one without children can understand that. I couldn't just get rid of him though; you don't ever stop loving them, even in death. He's been with us all this time so I can still talk to him." She smiles fondly, "I told him about Robert and how happy we were, I enjoy talking to him now; he doesn't answer back, he just listens." I daren't ask about Robert, I don't know now if she's killed him or not. "Robert tried. I know he tried, but it was never going to be enough. I couldn't let him leave Aaron, first Lachie and then dad swanning off. In the end Robert let me down, just like all the others; he had to be punished."

.

Her mood has changed, I could sense it immediately. The phone's ringing, but she ignores it, we both do. "Come here Aaron." I move so I'm standing in front of her, she traces the gun across my scars, still fascinated with them. It's oddly arousing, the gun cold and hard on my skin, I can feel myself getting turned on by the touch. I keep my hands down by my side and I relax my body. I know if I can distract her enough, then I can take the gun from her, but that's not what I want, I want to see if I can get her to tell me where he is. "Kneel down Aaron." I do as I'm told and our eyes re-connect and she strokes the gun down my cheek. "What is so special about you, that he would give his own life to protect yours. It has to be more than you're just a good fuck, important as that is, Robert doesn't fall in love that easily."

I stay quiet, firstly I don't know the answer and second, she doesn't like rebellion. I want to push a few buttons. Her eyes are exploring mine waiting for an answer. She's clearly not very patient as she hits me across my face with the gun. I don't try and stop her, I probably could have taken the gun off her when she did that, but this would spoil the game. She won't play this game with the police. I don't move my eyes from hers as she presses the gun to my cheek. You could cut the tension between us with a knife, the bar is deadly quiet when we're not moving or talking. "Would you give your life for his?"

"How do I even know he's alive?"

She smiles at me, "You don't."

We both jump as the phone starts to ring again, but we ignore it. "Yes I'd give my life for his."

She studies me quietly, "Yes, I believe you would." 

"What do you want from me Chrissie? What's left, do you want to kill me? It won't bring them back and that's what you want isn't it, your family back? You don't want to be alone. You can have mine if you like, they're a right pain. You'll never get a minutes peace and quiet with them around."

"Funny Aaron, aren't you the funny one."

"I'm not the one having nice little chats with my dead son." She hits me again, much harder and this time I have to steady myself with my hand on the floor. I can taste the blood in my mouth. I laugh at her, joking. "Where do you keep him anyway, next to your favourite bottle of chateau margaux?" 

The look on her face when I said this betrayed her and she knew it. She moved quickly grabbing my hair and pulling my head back, forcing the gun into my mouth, "You have a smart mouth Aaron, it'll be the death of you." I'm gagging on the gun she's pushing it that far down my throat. I'm fighting to keep my hands away from trying to stop her, It wouldn't take much for her to accidently pull the trigger. I'm fighting to breathe. She whispers into my ear, "You think I won't pull the trigger, huh? Calm down Aaron, you should be used to having your mouth full. Or do you need the practice?" She pulls the gun up slightly and I manage to calm down and control my breathing. Her eyes are piercing into mine, she's still pulling my head back really hard. I relax, I know she's going to pull the trigger, it's all she has left now. I can feel a tear escaping and I close my eyes. I don't really register what happens next. I hear her pull the trigger and I feel myself falling to the floor as she lets go of me, but then there's suddenly lots of shouting and people around me. Cain and Paddy are by my side almost immediately as the police pull Chrissie away. The gun hadn't fired.

.

I'm shaking as Paddy holds me to him, but I need to make sure they know where to look, "You heard right? He's in the wine cellar, he's somewhere in the wine cellar."

It's Cain who answers, "They know Aaron, they'll find him." I feel my eyes close and I don't really notice as they practically carry me into the back room. I push them away as they lay me down on the sofa. I don't want anyone near me, I just want Robert. The police sent a paramedic to make sure I'm okay, but I wouldn't let him near me either, saying I am fine. I'm not fine, I don't know if Robert is alive or dead.

.

I'm curled up on the sofa, my head resting on mum's knee and the others are scattered around. It's quiet as we wait for news, it feels like we've been waiting hours. I can't help fearing the worst and this isn't helped when Ashley comes in. He shares the rumours in the village, that they've seen two body bags being taken out of Home Farm. Not long after the police come in and I sit up anxiously as the sergeant starts to update us, "We've found him."

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for the kind comments and feedback, I know it's hard to read in some parts. It's definitely been challenging to write. I quite like Chrissie's character, so it's been interesting to have her as the abuser, but she's also a victim. The mind is very fragile and everyone has their breaking point; when this happens, it finds a way to cope.


	12. I'm Not Going Anywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is scared to face what happened to him.

Robert - Beginning February 2016

"Arrrghhh... arrrghhh..., help....., oh someone.... anyone, please help me. Let me out, god let me out. I don't want to die, I don't want to die. Chrissie....., let me out, please let me out." I'm choking back the screams, hyper-ventilating; I'm kicking out as hard as I can after realising what I've just touched. I had been just about controlling my panic after regaining consciousness, but not anymore, I can't get away from it. I'm sobbing, scratching at the metal, trying to get out, "I'm going to die, I'm going to die. Aaron, please Aaron find me, I don't want to die, not like this. Please Aaron, please find me, I love you...., please don't let me die.....," and my screams take over.

"Robert....., Robert......, wake up, it's just a nightmare." I wake covered in sweat, feeling the familiar hand shaking my arm gently. I sit up, breathing heavily, it's the same nightmare every time and I start to cry, holding on tight to him as he sits on the side of the bed and wraps his arms around me. He holds me, rocking me until I calm down. "Sshhh, Sshhh, it's okay, you're safe now. Robert it's over, it's not real, it's just a bad dream."

I'm weeping, exhausted in his arms, "It's not just a dream though is it, it's real to me....., it happened. Why won't it stop? Why can't I just make it all go away?" I thought coming here with him would help, but the nightmares are just as bad.

.

By the time, they had found me later that day I was quiet and unresponsive, lost in my own world. I had come to terms with the fact I was going to die and had accepted it. I don't remember being lifted out onto the floor, or the first couple of days at the hospital; I felt like a ghost. As I became more aware, I got the doctor to stop the visitors; I didn't want to see anyone, no-one. I couldn't stop the police coming and asking their questions, but I didn't have any answers for them and eventually they went away. They came back a couple of times, but they might as well have been invisible; I had nothing to say.

It was only when Lawrence had visited, slipping past the nurse, that I felt a connection to anyone. It was the first time I had let anyone near me without making a fuss so when she realised he was there she left us to it. It was a little bit like when I had first met him just over seven years ago. We had met in a bar and started talking, I had been lost back then, still working out who I was and what I wanted from life; I had woken up the next day in his bed. We had a thing for a while, Lawrence understood me better than I knew myself. In many ways we were very alike, smart mouth and ambitious. His family knew he had a relationship with a man in the past, but not that he still has the odd fling with them; and me, I knew I was bi-sexual by that point but I had no intention of anyone in my work or home life knowing about it. It was odd then how things worked out with Lawrence. I had seen some of his work stuff on the table one morning and thrown a few suggestions at him; a week later he offered me a job. Over time Lawrence helped me wrap my head around a lot of things I had been struggling with and although after a couple of months, we had stopped seeing each other, we had remained close. It was weird when I told him a couple of years later that I had a thing for Chrissie. I hadn't been sure how he would react, but he was okay about it; just the adage if I broke her heart he would kill me. We never told Chrissie we had slept together, it would have just been too odd, but it had all worked in a bizarre kind of way.

In the hospital, he hadn't really said much other than the basics; he was still in shock after learning what had happened. Chrissie was undergoing psychiatric evaluation if she would be declared mentally fit to stand trial. Chrissie had killed Lachlan and apparently shot her ex, Donny, with his own gun. This was how she had come to have a gun, she had just never bothered to check how many bullets were in it. He started telling me he had met Aaron and that Diane was back, but he quickly realised I didn't want to talk about what had happened, anything or anyone to do with Emmerdale.

It was Lawrence who collected me when I was released from hospital and we had gone straight to the airport. The only thing I had with me from my life before was my passport which he had got from the house for me.

.

Lawrence's wife hadn't been too impressed at his daughter being a murderer, but apparently it hadn't been working out too well anyway and they had decided to split. Since being in Portugal I've been trying to move on, but the nightmares keep pulling me back.

Lawrence has tried to get me to talk, but I shut him down every time. He comes into my room when he hears the screams and helps to calm me down, then the next day I act as though everything is okay. Lawrence is splitting his time half here to make sure I am okay and then flying back to home every few days to see Chrissie. He has stopped telling me anything about his visits home, I don't want to know. I just want it all to go away, I want to forget Emmerdale ever existed.

.

"You want a glass?" Lawrence is leaning against the balcony staring out across the sea, he turns round and nods. I come back out with a bottle of red and pour us both a glass. I go and lean against the balcony, my back to the sea, passing him his glass. I can tell Lawrence is upset, he's been very quiet since coming back from England a couple of hours ago. Rebecca, Chrissie's sister is there for her when Lawrence is back here. "You okay?"

He smiles sadly at me, "I don't know how to help her Robert. I don't know how to help you." I feel guilty, having me here, another burden, probably isn't helping him. Lawrence looks to have aged years in the last few weeks.

"Do you want me to leave?"

He looks at me surprised and puts his hand on my shoulder, "No, you can stay here as long as you want, I've told you that; but I am thinking of spending a little more time in England, maybe for a few weeks. Chrissie needs a lot of support and I can't do that from here, but I don't want to leave you on your own either."

"I'll be fine." I'm not so sure of that, but this isn't Lawrence's fault, he's just trying to do what's best for everyone and I can see it's taking its toll.

"What are your plans, do you know yet? Robert you need to start re-building your own life, you can't just spend the rest of your life hiding away here."

"Are you sure you don't want me to leave?"

"No Robert, I want you to be happy."

I shake my head, I don't have the words, but I don't feel as though I can ever be happy again, not really. What happened is all I think about, I go through it, over and over in my head. I go to a counsellor here, it's the one thing Lawrence insisted on, but I don't have anything to say. I've tried a couple of times, but in the end the words won't come out, so I go, I sit and I leave when the time's up.

.

Lawrence turns back, watching people walking on the beach, the sun is setting, "I've had an offer for Home Farm, I rejected it." I look at him quietly, "You might not want to accept it, but the house is yours Robert. I've transferred it fully into your name. If you don't want to live there, then sell it and use the money to build a new life. It kind feels like I'm buying you off, but it's not like that, Chrissie did a lot of damage. She didn't mean to, but she did and I'm sorry."

I don't know how I feel about this, in the end I don't say anything. I just don't want to think about it.

Realising I'm not going to say anything, Lawrence takes it as a kind of acceptance, "I'm so sorry Robert, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me what was going on?"

"Chrissie is your daughter Lawrence, you were always blind when it came to her, just like she was with Lachie. I didn't think you'd believe me, you didn't even believe me about her drinking; do you think you would have believed me about the rest?"

"I would like to have thought I would have done something, Robert you are important to me too." I brush away a stray tear from his cheek.

"I know." I pull him to me and we hug, instead of pulling away from him, I kiss him. He wasn't expecting it, but he returns it, I put my glass of wine down and we are soon kissing more intensely. There is clear desire in both of us, we both need comfort and we trust each other. His hands move down the front of my jeans but I pull back with the touch, "Sorry....., sorry I can't." I push the nausea back down, all I see is Chrissie on top of me when he touched me. I look at Lawrence sadly, "It's too soon, there's too much I'm not ready for yet."

Lawrence smiles at me, he kisses my forehead, "It's okay," he strokes my cheek, "Robert I know you love Aaron, it's his name you call at night. When are you going to talk to him? Just because you've shut him out, doesn't mean you've lost him."

I pull away and go stand staring out from the balcony, "I can't. I don't know why, but I can't."

Lawrence rests his hand on my arm for a moment, "I'll go make some food. He's hurting too you know, I know you don't want to hear about everything that happened and you don't want to talk, but until you do, it won't stop. You won't leave it behind; the nightmares, they won't go away. Take it from someone who has been there. You have to face it sometime and it's easier with someone you love. My wife was the one who helped me to face my demons, I wouldn't have made it without her. You and Aaron, you need each other." He leaves me alone with my thoughts as he goes into the house to make some food.

.

The nightmare comes, the same as every other night. Lawrence comes in and holds me until I stop shaking, but this time I don't let him leave, "Hold me, please. I don't want sex, I just need you to hold me. I don't want be on my own." I feel him hesitate but then he climbs into bed and pulls me into his arms and I cry. I can't stop crying, I feel so alone. In a couple of days he goes back to England to be with Chrissie, but I don't want him to go; I don't want to be on my own. I haven't told him, because I don't want him to worry and I don't want to guilt trip him about leaving, but the nightmares are getting worse and I don't know how to face them without him here to calm me down.

.

It's teatime and Lawrence is waiting for his taxi to the airport, "I'll be back in a few days Robert, if you need me, just call okay and I'll be on the first plane back." I nod, I think he knows I'm more anxious about him going than I've been before." I hear the doorbell. "That'll be the taxi." Lawrence comes up-to me and rests his hands on my arms, he gives me a smile, but there's just something about him that puts me on my guard. "You'll be okay Robert, it'll be okay, just trust me." I look at him a little oddly as he goes and gets his case and I watch him go to the door. When he's gone, I'm going to go for a walk up the beach; walking out in the fresh air is the only thing that helps me relax when he's not here.

I assume Lawrence is talking to the taxi driver, "Thanks, call if you need anything." I stop myself from going down into the living room, curious at the conversation. "You'll be fine Robert. I promise." I stare at Lawrence who just smiles at me, I'm shaking my head at him in disbelief that he's done this behind my back. Nodding down in my direction he says, "Make yourself at home and don't take any shit from him." Lawrence gives me a final smile, "Thought you might like some company whilst I'm away," then leaves, closing the door behind him.

My heart is beating ten to the dozen as he comes towards me, stopping at the top of the few steps that come down into the living room. I watch him lean against the wall, his hands shoved in his pockets, nervously biting his bottom lip as he does, "I told you, you can try and push me away all you like, but I'm not going anywhere."

TBC


	13. Life Itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert take a step forward together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was a quite drunk when I wrote/posted this, after a really stressful week, but I decided to leave it pretty much as it was. It's just tidied up a little.

Robert - Beginning February 2016

I stand and stare at him, our eyes are locked, same as always it's intense between us. I want him to go, but I don't. I'm scared, but excited all at the same time. I don't know what it is about Aaron, but I love him completely and now he's here I'm scared that he'll leave because I'll blow it and I'm scared that if he stays I will blow it. "I was going for a walk on the beach, you want to come?"

Aaron doesn't say anything, but he comes down towards me. My heart and my head want all of him, I want to tell him how I feel but I don't. I wonder if you can have a heart attack from being in love too much? I walk outside before he gets to me, I don't know what to do with all these feelings. I need the fresh air to help me clear my head. We're quiet as we walk down the steps from the house onto the beach. I don't let him get too close, I crave his touch, but I don't want him to touch me. I know I won't be able to stop myself if I let him in again; I let him in once before and he paid the price. People I love, they always suffer and I don't want that for Aaron. He just tried to help and I don't know what happened that day, I wouldn't let anyone near me to tell me, but I had heard enough that she had tried to kill him. Why would he still want anything to do with me?

We've been walking for a while, a safe distance between us, there's a little bar just down the way. "You want a drink?" We haven't spoken since leaving the house. I don't even wait for his answer, I know him well enough. When we get there I order him a beer and me a vinho verde which I've become partial to since being here. I tell the waiter to bring the bottle, I'm going to need it.

.

We still haven't talked, Aaron's finished his beer and caught the waiter's eye for another and I've pretty much necked the second glass of wine. At this rate we are both going to be hammered before we've said more than a handful of words to each other. I'm fidgeting like you wouldn't believe and I almost knock the bottle of wine over, Aaron puts his hand on mine and for the first time since he arrived I'm still and I look at him properly. How do you go about asking someone if your wife really did try and kill them because you're were having an affair? All I know is that she held him and some of the others at gun point. I don't know anything more than that. I didn't want to know before, because then I start to care, they will start to care and they are just so better off without me. I down my third glass pretty much in one. Aaron is just staring at me, "You trying to give Chrissie a run for her money?"

I look at Aaron unsure what to say, but I'm unhappy at the comparison, "What?"

"The wine. You don't normally neck your drinks like this."

"You should go."

"Why?"

"Why not, there's nothing for you here."

"What if I don't want to?"

"What if I want you to?"

"Well, you don't always get what you want Sugden, because sometimes you're just not a very good judge of what you need."

"Oh,.... so this is all my fault?"

"No."

"Have another beer Aaron."

"I think I just might. Actually why don't I have a glass of wine."

"You don't like wine."

"I don't dislike it."

"Are you doing this on purpose?"

"What?"

"Being annoying?"

"Annoying?"

"Yes annoying."

"No, just want to drink enough so I don't wake up after remembering your wife put a gun down my throat and pulled the trigger."

"I'll swap you. She put me in a metal box, next to her dead son." There's a silence, not exactly awkward, but its quiet until I continue, the doubt pulling at my heart, "I think I need a shot, you want one? They have a menu. Let's just start at the top and work way our way down."

Aaron smiles at me, "Just like usual then?" I smile back at him and for the first time, I relax....., we relax. He looks at the menu, "But we should end with a screaming orgasm, save that one until last, because well....., we always do."

I have to laugh at him, "Okay, I'm not cleaning up your sick in the morning though."

"You don't have a cleaner?"

"We do."

"Well then?"

"You're such a knob."

"Whatever."

.

I'm confused, I can't focus anymore, "Not sure which one's ours." I'm doing my best, because I really do need my bed, but it's not happening.

Aaron looks at me bemused, "What do you mean you're not sure which one's ours?"

I glare back at him, "Well they all look the same from the beach in the dark and I really have drunk too much." I pause and I can feel it building, "I think I'm going to be sick."

"No you're not."

"Yes... yes I am." I retch a little, but nothing comes up fortunately.

"Lightweight."

"Huh..... don't you complain about a hangover in the morning, Mr I can drink anything and everything Livesy."

He stares at me, "Can I drink you?"

I giggle, I'm way past caring, "You can have whatever you want." I lie back on the sand, I am not in control anymore and I feel Aaron on top of me and we start kissing; drunken kissing, tongues everywhere, but I'm aware I'm hard as a rock as he rubs his body against me and I tell him, "Suck me off. Please....., I want your mouth."

"You sure?"

I push his head to my crotch and unbutton my jeans, I push his mouth onto my dick, "Make me come Aaron." I feel nothing but the ecstasy of his mouth as he goes down on me, "God, I love you." 

.

I move my head, but decide that's a really bad idea. The cleaner's face is about an inch from my face. I close my eyes and when I open them she's gone. Maybe I was dreaming it, I decide I must have been; the image had been too awful to be real. I take a better look around and I realise I'm in the bath. I look down, at least I have my clothes on.... shit my jeans are undone and well, let just say I'm not all tucked away. Aw god.... I feel like shit. I look at my watch, 11.30. It takes me a few goes, but eventually I manage to get out of the bath and kneel on the floor. Not sure which is better really, maybe I should get back in the bath. I think I'm going to be sick, at least the toilet is just here.

I lift my head after hewing down the loo and have stabilised once more, "Aaron....?" I manage to stand up, but have to take a minute for the room to stop swirling and then I venture out into the living room, "Aaron? You here? You alive?" I wander round looking for him and I continue talking to myself, "I'm not so sure I am." I go onto the balcony, I see him curled up on the lounger, I smile at him. He looks so angelic. I slump down by the side of him joking, "Oi, you. I want my money back, I don't remember that orgasm."

He turns over and looks at me, "Hmmmh, I do. It didn't mix too well with all that alcohol."

"What? Really?"

"Mmmmh, I think I threw it back up."

"Huh, now who's a lightweight?"

"God I need a shower.... you have coffee in this place? I really need coffee."

"You don't drink coffee."

"I do on days like today."

"Days like today?"

"Hangover days. This is all your fault. Did we really do the whole menu?"

"Yep."

"Next time, remind me to stick to beer."

"I lied, I do remember the orgasm."

"Very nice. I'm going to be sick, I was doing alright until you woke me."

"Hhhmm, maybe not," I pointed down to the pile of sick by the side of the lounger.

He peers down and then lies back groaning, "Oh well....., you got a bed?"

"We have three."

"Fab, just one'll do..., lead the way Sugden."

"Do I get another orgasm?"

"Not until I've had mine."

"You want an orgasm?"

"Yep, later though.... I want to make you work for it, without you being sick half way through."

"Ye of little faith."

"You telling me you didn't just throw up. I can smell and see the sick from here."

"Charming."

"Yeah that's you, little prince charming. Take me to bed Sugden."

"You don't half know how to spin the romance. I thought you wanted coffee?"

"Changed my mind. You sure you can walk?"

"Maybe."

"Weirdo."

"How many shots did we drink?"

"No idea."

"We'll have to go back and count next time."

"Okay, I still need you to take me to bed."

"Right this way Mr Livesy," I pull him by the hand and we crash into bed huddled up-to each other and go to sleep.

.

I finally wake up and this time I feel almost human. I look at the clock, it's just after five; could have been worse I suppose. I trudge into the kitchen and put the kettle on. I'm resting my head on the counter as I feel Aaron come up behind me. "Don't move."

"Why not?"

"I like the view, your tight arse."

I start to move.

"I said don't move."

"Huh.. who put you in charge?"

"Lawrence, he said don't take no shit, that makes you mine."

"I've never been anything else since I met you." I can feel his hand on my back and he pushes up my t-shirt, his hands moving and caressing. He pulls down my jama bottoms and he starts to kiss me on my back. I move my hand to my dick and I start to stroke myself, his tongue is now on my hole and it's driving me crazy. He's driving me crazy.

"I want to fuck you Robert."

"I belong to you remember?"

He makes me look at him, "No, we belong together.... it's different." His hand is moving up and down on my butt cheek, "Are you okay with this Robert?"

I look back into his eyes, I nod, "Yes." I feel his fingers push inside, spreading me a little more open and then by the time he pushes inside me with his dick, I'm gripping onto the side of the counter for dear life. It hurts at first, but he goes slow. I can feel all of him and after the third push, it changes from pain to something else and then I start begging him, "More Aaron, give me more."

"Are you sure?"

"Fuck me Aaron, I want you."

.

We have moved onto the floor and he's moving me yet again into another position, he get's deeper all the time. It feels like he's going to split me in two; I'm begging him to go harder, to go deeper, "Aaron I'm going to come."

"I'm not even touching you."

"Don't stop, you don't need to touch me, just keep hitting there; oh god yeah, oh god," I had stopped pulling on myself. Aaron is pounding me so hard in the right place that if I touch myself I'll come and I want to wait for him.

"I'm close Robert, I'm really close."

"Don't stop, don't stop."

I can feel his body strain as he comes, I have my arm wrapped up around him, he's already made me come. I didn't think it was possible to come like that but he made me come without either of us touching my dick. He moved his hand and he starts pulling on me once more, I'm still hard, "Aaron, Aaron.... oh god... oh god, what are you doing?"

"You didn't come completely, I know there's more." He's lying on his back, still inside me and I'm panting as I'm lying back on his body and he's jerking me off. His legs are over mine, pinning them down to the floor and my body is moving to his hand and I'm fucking him without even trying. I can feel myself shudder even harder than I did before and I'm struggling to breathe, my body jerking as I come. It feels amazing. We lie in each other's arms on the kitchen floor trying to recover our breath until we eventually find the energy to get up and go back to bed and sleep.

.

It's ten in the morning before I wake. I wouldn't say I feel on top of the world, but I definitely feel more human than I did yesterday. Aaron must already be up because he's not next to me. I feel sore as I move, the pounding he gave me was relentless. I can't help but smile as I remember the feeling as I came. I sit back down a moment, I realise that I haven't had a nightmare for the last two nights and we had sex, lots of sex and I didn't get scared once, I didn't stop him. I don't know how much of that is because it's Aaron and how much because we were blathered.

I wander into the living room to find Aaron's watching some crappy tv in portuguese, "Any good?"

I sit next to him and he puts his arm round me, "Well... I think... the brunette on the left, she's had an affair with him there and he's getting all antsy, cos he has already moved onto the new maid." He looks at me smiling, "See you don't even need to speak the lingo"

"Idiot." It goes quiet between us, and I look up at him seriously, "I bet that wasn't quite what you had in mind when you got on the plane?"

He looks down at me, "No...., but I'm not complaining. Are you?"

"No....., I'm confused though."

"Why?"

"I let you..... we did stuff that I didn't think I'd ever let anyone do to me ever again and I wanted it. I wanted you." I hesitate, "Did she really put a gun in your mouth?"

"Yeah, she pulled the trigger, I can't believe she actually pulled the trigger. I should be dead......, but I'm not. There were no bullets left." He rests his face against my head.

I feel ashamed, "I made you suck me off, I shouldn't have."

"Robert, we did things the last two days because we got so drunk, drunk on the alcohol, drunk on each other. You're like a drug, I can't get enough of you. I knew what I was doing, I wanted you too. I wanted you and you let me. You let me inside you."

"I know. I don't know how I feel about that."

"Do you regret it?"

"No, it was amazing, but I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to protect you."

"I don't need protecting."

"You should run a mile from me. People who get close to me, they get hurt Aaron. You got hurt because of me and I can't....... I don't want that."

"Look at me, you can't blame yourself for what Chrissie did. That wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't it? I should have never let you love me, I should have shut you out much sooner... but I wanted to feel all of you, you made me feel alive Aaron. I was dead without you....."

"I'm glad you didn't, I love you Robert and I would never have forgiven myself if you had died."

"But at what cost? You almost died because of me?"

"No.... stop, just stop. It wasn't because of you. You need to stop blaming yourself Robert, me too. I blamed myself that I didn't push you harder, sooner. I knew something was wrong."

It goes quiet between us, until I break it, "What do we do now?"

"What do you want?"

I smile, "You'd laugh if I told you."

"I don't think anything would surprise me now."

.

We're walking back from the ice cream stall, Aaron was trying to have a conversation with me, but realised that until the ice cream was done, there was not going to be any talking. He kept glancing across at me smiling. It made me happy, but I still feel the pang of fear that him being anywhere near me can't be good for him.

We go and sit on the beach, it's not too warm today and I pull my jumper around me and I hug into Aaron as we sit and watch the world go by.

The euphoria of sex and alcohol has gone and the real world is invading both our thoughts, I can sense it. This is what Lawrence meant, I'm ready now with Aaron. I think I'm ready to tell him, I don't think I could tell anyone else, not Lawrence, not Diane or the counsellor; just Aaron.

Aaron squeezes me, "He told me."

"Who?"

"Lawrence. He told me how you met and he told me that you kissed the other day. He said he didn't want any secrets and that it didn't mean anything. Not like that."

I feel mortified that Aaron knows about that, "It didn't. It was a comfort kiss. You know..... like comfort sex but without the sex."

He squeezes me once more, "I know what it was, I know you Robert okay. He's worried about you, he didn't want there to be any misunderstanding if you tried to use him as an excuse to push me away. I think that was brave of him, considering everything he must be going through. He clearly cares for you."

"Yeah. Yes he does. It's just weird that's all."

Aaron turns my face to look at him, "What happened when you went home?"

I take a deep breath, because I don't know how he'll feel about me giving up. I had given up on him, on us, I had given up on life itself.

TBC


	14. All Just A Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert struggles to tell Aaron about what happened after he left the pub that night back in January.

Robert - Beginning February 2016

I don't really know how to start, I pull Aaron's arms tighter around me and I curl up against him. Aaron doesn't push, he kisses my head and I hold his hand, my thumb lightly stroking, "I snuck back into the pub, did you know that?"

"No."

"I had some time before I was usually at home. I was worried that I might have screwed up with the cameras or that I wouldn't have any proof and I could never tell anyone about what was happening."

Aaron kisses me on my neck and speaks very softly into my ear, "You told me."

I manage a half smile and I squeeze him, "It's different with you. I could never tell Andy what I had told you, I was too scared that he'd think I was weak or that he wouldn't believe me. I wanted you to have help though if anything went wrong, so I wrote him a letter and tried to explain. I don't know if it made any sense, it all came out a jumbled mess. I know a letter's not proof or anything, but it was something." I stop and look at Aaron, "Did he get it?"

Aaron nodded, "Yeah, it's why he was at the pub, he had just read it and was looking for you. He already knew something was wrong Robert, everyone knew something was wrong those last few days."

I go quiet, lost in my own thoughts. I shiver, "It's cold, can we go in?" Aaron nods and we walk up-to the house and into the kitchen. I watch Aaron start to make us drinks and my thoughts go back to when I had got home that night. I'm pretty certain now it had been around the same time she had killed Lachie last year; that's why she had got more erratic and what finally pushed her over the edge with me. I had been away for work and he had started his new school that week. "I don't know why I never questioned Lachie not ever being back at home. I suppose I was glad that he wasn't around, he had always been a bit creepy and then when Chrissie started changing I thought it was a good thing; I didn't want him to see her like that." I shake my head and laugh to myself, Aaron looks across at me. "I was so stupid." I stare out of the window before sitting down at the kitchen table. I put my elbow on the table, resting my face against my hand. Aaron puts my coffee in front of me. He stays standing, leaning against the counter with his tea and waits until I'm ready.

.

Taking a deep breath I continue, "As soon as I got home, I transferred everything onto a backup and put it in my coat pocket; then I had a shower and went back down to make a drink, same as always. Chrissie was watching TV in the living room or I thought she was, until I heard your voice." I glance at Aaron and then stare out of the window again, "She wasn't watching TV, she was watching you." I'll never forget how I felt when I walked into the living room seeing Aaron on the screen. I can see Aaron's eyes widening, he looks like he hardly believes me.

"She was sat on the coffee table with the remote, like some kid playing; fast forwarding and rewinding, watching her favourite bits, you know?" Aaron doesn't react, "It was you, you were at the garage. You didn't know you were being filmed, you were messing around with Cain and the others; I don't know when from, but recent. She said she knew I was in love with you. I denied it to try and protect you, but she didn't believe me. She told me to prove it. She gave me her tablet, it was still you, but it wasn't a video. It was really you, that night....; you were in your room, the curtains were still open." I pause, I can see Aaron's face changing as he realises what I'm saying, "She said that if I didn't love you, that I would make the right choice." I get up and go stand in front of the window with my back to Aaron. I wipe away a tear with my hand.

I start to stress as all the memories come flooding back, all the self doubt resurfacing. Since Aaron has been here it had somehow faded, but now it's hitting me again. It's like a tidal wave, it's too much pressure and I'm panicking. I need him to leave, I really need him to leave, "I can't do this." He follows me into the living room, I can feel him watching me, but he doesn't try and stop me. I can't bear it as I start going round picking up his stuff. "I can't Aaron, I thought I could. I'm sorry, I just can‘t. I want you to leave." 

“What....? No. Robert just stop, slow down.” I'm not listening though, it's just suddenly all too much.

“I mean it Aaron, I don’t want you here.” I’m crying which just makes me more agitated as I shove the last of his stuff into his rucksack and throw it at him. “Just go Aaron, just go...., please.” I can't face him and I leg it out of the house. I’m surprised the glass in the door didn’t smash, I banged it shut so hard. It hurts so much, but I’m too fucked up, he’s better off without me.

When I've got far enough from the house and I'm sure he's not followed me, I start to cry so much that I can't see to walk. I just sit on the beach rocking, hugging my knees to me. I just want it all to go away; I want my life back.

.

I’ve been walking for what seems like hours. I want and need Aaron, I want to tell him what happened and how I feel; I didn't think it would be this hard. She had promised she wouldn't hurt him, but she did, she still tried to kill him. I don’t know how to make sense of everything; Aaron being here, it makes it all so real.

As I make my way back up-to the house, I have to smile to myself, “You stubborn shit.” I watch Aaron through the kitchen window a while; he’s beautiful. Every time I look at him, I can’t get over how much I love him. I’ve calmed down and in a way I’m relieved he’s still here, but how do I even begin to explain?

I walk into the house and lean against the doorframe into the kitchen. He looks across at me, if anything he looks amused more than annoyed with me, “You need to eat, you can’t survive off alcohol and ice cream. Sit down.” I can’t take my eyes off him, “Sit down Robert.” I go and sit at the table. We eat in silence, it’s comfortable though. I realise just how hungry I am and it doesn’t take me long to clean the plate. “You want more?”

I shake my head, “No, maybe later.”

He gets up and throws the tea-towel at me, “You’re drying.”

I’ve never been so conflicted, I really don’t know how to do this. I go and stand by him and rest my chin on his shoulder, “I’m scared Aaron.”

He looks at me, his blue eyes crystal clear, “I know. I don’t care if you shout, scream or cry, I’m not leaving. Robert you don’t have to tell me what happened, not ever if you don’t want to, but don’t push me away. You need me and I need you."

.

We watch some crappy film on the satellite. I don’t think either of us were really watching, but we were lying together on the sofa, my face nuzzled in Aaron’s neck. I love the smell of his skin, it’s familiar and relaxing. I'm exhausted, every day is draining this last few weeks and it's early when we go to bed.

The nightmare comes and is probably the worst I've had. Although I have got used to me dying over and over every night, which is what I remember feeling, I can't control the panic of seeing Chrissie shove a gun down Aaron's throat and pulling the trigger. Aaron has switched on the bedside light and is trying to calm me down, “You died, the gun it wasn’t empty, you died Aaron.” I'm hyper-ventilating, the nightmares always feel so real.

“I’m right here Robert, I’m right here.” He wraps his arms around me, I can't stop shaking. "You want some water?"

I start to panic again, "No, don't leave me." I cling onto Aaron even tighter, making sure he can't get up.

"It's alright, I'm not going anywhere; just breathe Robert, breathe." He strokes his hand gently on the back of my head and slowly I manage to calm down. Aaron is shushing me, it feels like his whole body is hugging me and I realise how much I need him.

.

Chrissie had enjoyed taunting me, I could deny it all I liked, but she knew I was in love with Aaron. "It was all just a game to her Aaron, but it wasn't. She would have had him kill you, she made me choose."

Aaron pulls his head back a little and is looking at me incredulously, "Are you saying she hired someone? For real, are you sure?"

I nod, "The towel from earlier was still on your bed," I wipe away a stray tear, "You were restless, you kept pacing up and down."

Aaron is a little in shock but I don't think he was really surprised after what happened in the pub, "I was worried about you, I couldn't sleep. I should never have let you go back there." He pulls an odd face, "It makes sense now."

"What does?"

"In the pub, she was jealous. She asked me why you would give your life to protect mine. I didn't know if you were even still alive, she said you were sleeping. I didn't know what that meant. It scared me Robert, I was so scared of what she'd done to you.

"I chose you, she promised she wouldn't hurt you, she promised Aaron." I feel myself starting to panic again, my fingers are digging into him.

Aaron is struggling to hold me still, "Hey, hey, sshhhh. Robert you don't have to tell me."

I bury my head in his neck, "I want to. I love you Aaron, I don't know if I will ever be able to tell anyone except you."

"Just take your time okay; I'm here. It'll be okay, I promise." He's doing his best to help me get over my fear, I'm not sure I ever will though.

"She was evil that night Aaron, she was just evil." I shock myself with the hate in my voice, but it's how I feel about her. I know she's ill, that it wasn't the Chrissie I fell in love with, but what she did will never leave me; it's damaged me forever.

.

"She called him off, but told him to stay for another hour, just in case she changed her mind." I look at Aaron, "It was just like any normal conversation, she was so calm. She poured me a whiskey, this time though I watched her put the drug in it." It's so surreal now talking about it. "She told me to sit with her on the coffee table and she gave me the glass. The video of you was still playing on the TV, she had it on repeat." I remember staring at it and downing the whiskey in one. I knew that she was going to kill me, it was the strangest feeling. Despite being scared, I had felt calm. "I could feel the drug beginning to take effect, I couldn't move, but I kind of knew what was going on; some of the time anyway." I have to stop and I go quiet as I think back, the drug had made everything a million times worse.

Aaron pulls me out of my thoughts, asking hesitantly, "Did she have sex with you....., like before?"

"No. Errm....., I don't think so anyway. It wasn't about sex." I suppose I don't know for sure, but I don't remember her touching me like that. I think by now, I would have had some kind of trigger, but I haven't. The doctors never said anything either. I continue, "She was holding me though, stroking my hair. I couldn't tear my eyes away from watching you." I look at Aaron, "You're beautiful, you know that?" I smile at him, he's embarrassed. I start to tremble a little as my smile disappears. "She was so close to me, holding me, as close as we are now. The drug, it was starting to play tricks with my mind, but I remember her saying we were going to play a game."

I sit up and wrap my arms around my knees hugging them to me. I rest my head on my knees for a while. Aaron sits up with me, his hand rubbing my back, "You want anything?"

I shake my head, "I want to forget Aaron, I want it all erased from my head."

He rests his chin on my shoulder, "I would if I could."

I need a break from talking about what happened to me, it wasn't just me she tried to kill. "Did she hurt you..... at the pub? I mean I know you said before, but did she do other stuff?"

Aaron hesitates, "Sort of.... not physically. I mean she hit me a couple of times, but it was more how she tried get to inside my head. She threatened the others and said she'd kill one of them......, she told me to strip."

"She what?"

"She said she wanted to see what you saw when we were in bed together."

I can’t imagine how he felt, having to do that in front of everyone, "Did you do it?"

"She fired the gun, it was so close to mum. I would have done anything...., I only got as far as taking my t-shirt off. She wanted to know about my scars." Aaron laughs, "She had the gall to call me a murderer. She said my cheating husband's having it off with a murderer or something like that. I was trying to work out if you were still alive. She started talking about Lachie, but I thought she was talking about you; I thought she had killed you, but she really was talking about him. I think she was fascinated with death, or what it was like to kill someone. She wanted to know how I felt when I helped Jackson die."

.

We lie back down, facing each other. We're both quiet for a while, our foreheads touching. I whisper to him, "That was the game."

Aaron doesn't say anything straight away, until he asks, "What do you mean?"

My voice is very quiet, it's like I'm afraid someone is listening in, "I had no control over my body, or anything. I was lying against her, she'd been holding me, letting me watch you on the TV." I hesitate, "She put her hand over my mouth and my nose until I couldn't breathe. She had to hold me really hard whenever my body started to fight for air. She would wait for me to almost pass out and then let me breathe; she did it over and over. I remember, sometimes I could still see you on the TV. I could hear your voice and she was talking to me, but I've no idea what she was saying. The problem is with the drug she gave me, I can't tell what was real and what wasn't, it's all confused in my head." I can't stop a tear falling, but I try and hold back the rest. I can see and feel the anger in Aaron. He is very tense, but he doesn't say anything. "I don't know if she got bored with the game or what, but she eventually held tight until I ran out of air and I blacked out. I remember that, that was real. They think she probably dragged me into the cellars." Aaron hugs me close, he strokes his hand through my hair, my chest heaves a little. Although I want to tell him everything, remembering is beginning to take its toll.

After being quiet for a while I find the strength to continue, "When I woke up the first time, I think I actually thought I was dead. The drug was driving me mad and making me lose any sense of time. It was probably only a few hours until it started to wear off, but they felt like a lifetime. I hurt myself quite a bit, I must have been fighting to get out. I don't remember anything except it felt like I was dying over and over and I was scared; I was really scared." I have to stop again. Aaron is still stroking my head and he kisses me as I rest against him.

"The first time I woke up properly, I couldn't work out where I was. I didn't panic at first, even when I realised that I was locked in some kind of box." I shudder involuntarily, "It was cold and pitch black; there wasn't any room to move and I knew there was stuff in there with me. I was trying to feel round what and to see if I could get out. That's when I touched his skull, it was then I consciously freaked out completely. I was screaming and kicking, scratching, anything to try and get out. When I go to sleep that's what I remember. There must have been enough air somehow, but I got tired and I gave up fighting. As far as I knew I could have been anywhere, I didn't know I was still in the house. I didn't think anyone would find me, I convinced myself that you would give up or that no-one would believe you." I realise I don't know, "How did they find me?"

"She got careless, she let slip where you were. It still took them a long time to actually find you though. I promise you, I didn't give up."

"Thank you." I kiss him, thank you seems too little, but it's all I have just at the moment. "I think even if we'd never met, I'd probably be dead by now." I think back over the last year; so much has happened so much has changed. "Sometimes it's like it all happened to someone else; I don't feel like me, I don't know who I am anymore Aaron."

He strokes my hair gently with his hand, "You will, you've got time; you've got me and people at home who love you." Aaron kisses my head.

I feel anxious when I think about everyone else, "I don't know if I can ever go back home, I just don't know."

"We don't need to think about that now. Robert, I don't care where we live, just that we're together. I love you." He pulls me into him and I lay against him, listening to his heart beating. It's steady and I find it relaxing; eventually I close my eyes and sleep.

TBC


	15. Fragile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A phone call causes an argument which threatens Robert and Aaron's future together.

Aaron - Mid February 2016

Robert's looking anxious as he sits back down at the kitchen table, we had just been finishing eating when his phone had rung, "What's up?" He puts the phone down on the table and stares at it.

I smile, but I can tell he's upset, "Was it Lawrence? Finally kicking us out, does he want his house back?" Robert's only half listening, he seems in a daze, "Robert?"

He looks up at me confused, "What? Errm, no. No it wasn't Lawrence." I wait for Robert to continue, but he doesn't. He stands up and pulls his jumper off the side, "I need to go for a walk, I need to think. We'll talk when I get back, okay?"

I nod my head as I watch him head out onto the beach, "Okay." I have learned that Robert needs time to process things and walking helps him. There are no barriers between us, we're as close as ever since we've been here the last couple of weeks, so I know he'll tell me; but I'm concerned about what has him so on edge.

With me being here, Lawrence had stayed in England. Robert won't entertain talking to anyone back home still, not even Diane or Vic. I talk with mum or Paddy most days but I've been as glad of the space away from home as much as he has; Robert's not the only one who gets nightmares. We've begun talking about what we should do, we can't stay here forever, as easy as that might be. Getting work here would be hard with the unemployment as it is right now and we don't have any money for travelling. Robert's adamant he doesn't want to go back to Emmerdale, maybe not even back to England. I agree with him though, he's not ready to hold down a job like he had before; he's scared that people will find out or that he can't cope with the pressure anymore. He's still very fragile, it's like he's lost all his confidence; but I think getting some kind of normal routine with a job would help both of us. Part of me would like us to go home. I think it would help Robert heal and me too if I'm honest, but after some gentle pushing, Robert still won't consider this; so then we need to come up with something, somewhere else.

.

I'm lying on the sofa watching TV when he comes back in, he shivers as he lies down behind me, "Who said Portugal is warm in the winter." I smile back at him as he wraps his arms around me and kisses into my neck.

"Mmmh, that's nice." He sends tingles down my spine when he kisses me like this, it turns me on every time. Normally I would start responding to him, but I want to know about the phone call. I turn round to face him, "Don't try to distract me, talk."

Robert props himself up with his elbow, "It was Rakesh, Diane got him to represent me because I wasn't there. He wants me to go home, actually he wants both of us to go home." Have to admit, I wasn't expecting that, "The CPS want to push for murder. They say that when she killed Lachlan and Donny, she wasn't suffering from mental illness. They've decided to have a preliminary hearing at the Crown Court, it's in a couple of weeks. I never gave a formal statement, I wouldn't talk to them; but she's admitted killing them and they have all the stuff from the cameras, your statement and everyone else's. They want us to testify, both of us."

I suppose I knew something would happen on this front eventually, "I'm surprised Lawrence hasn't rung."

"He did. I ignored the call. I needed to think and tell you first. Did your mum not ring?"

"Don't know, my phone's upstairs in the bedroom somewhere. Couldn't be bothered to go get it earlier." My mind is whirring at what this all means, "It's probably not a good thing to stay here too much longer, Lawrence is Chrissie's dad. I know you're close, but....., we should stay somewhere else. It's not as though we haven't been thinking about it anyway."

Robert's looking at me a little oddly, I can't quite make it out, "There's something I didn't tell you," he pauses, "Lawrence signed Home Farm to me."

I'm kind of surprised he's only telling me this now, I thought I knew everything and when we talked about the future he never mentioned it, "Well if that's not trying to buy you I don't what is."

Robert shrugs, "I don't think he meant it like that, I think he felt guilty that he didn't believe me when I tried talking to him. Robert's shaking his head, "I never accepted it, but I didn't refuse it either; I just didn't want to think about it. It's not as though I'll ever live there again. If I sell it, I don't know if I could even take the money from it for myself; maybe I could give it all to charity or I could just set fire to the house." He huffs a little quiet laugh.

I look at him concerned, he sounded a little too much like that is a real option, "No, don't do that, you don't want to go to prison for arson."

Robert hugs me and lets out a big sigh. He smiles at me, "Don't worry, I won't. I didn't want to think about it when he told me and I don't want to think about it now. Is that okay?"

I nod, "Does anyone else know?"

"I've not spoken to anyone but you, so no, not from me anyway. I don't know if I can just reject it and have it reverted to him; I don't how that works. I don't have anything in writing, I would even have to check if he really did transfer it into my name. Though I don't see any reason why he would lie, it's not really his style."

I can understand Robert not wanting to think or talk about Home Farm, a lot of bad things happened to him there; I get why he didn't tell me. "Okay, so let's forget about the house. What about the hearing?"

"I want to forget about that too. I'm not going. You're right we should move. Where do you fancy?"

.

Robert gets up and goes into the kitchen, yelling back at me, "You want a beer?"

I get up and follow him, "No." I put the kettle on instead and start to make a mug of tea, I'm not willing to let this drop so easy. "Is that it, no discussion?" Robert is in denial if he thinks I'm not going to want to talk about this.

"There's nothing to discuss. I told you before, I'm not going back; this doesn't change anything."

"Doesn't it?" Just by the way we are both now acting it has already changed things, "What about me?"

He looks across at me, I can't tell at all what is going through his head right now. Being with Chrissie like that for so long, it's made him good at hiding what he's feeling or thinking. He takes a drink of his beer, shrugging his shoulders, "What?"

I look at him in disbelief that he just said that, "What if I want to go? This affects me too, she put a gun down my throat. She threatened my family and yours. Robert she tried to kill you."

His voice hardens, his attitude more defensive, "I know what she did Aaron."

I can feel myself getting frustrated with him, "So you wouldn't have a problem with me going?"

Robert glares at me, "You can do what you want, I won't try and stop you. If you want to do this, then go; but don't try and guilt trip me for not wanting to do this. I'm not going."

I calm myself, to try and explain how I feel, "Look, I know it's hard and you're scared, but I think you should seriously consider going, both of us. It might be a way to give some closure, help us move on, everyone."

Robert is getting just as frustrated with me, "What difference is it going to make? Rakesh said they want me to tell them what state of mind she was in back then. It doesn't matter; she could have been perfectly sane, but she's not now. It won't go to trial, she'll get sectioned or whatever and she'll get the help she needs."

.

We've talked a lot, but I've never told him that I'm not as sure as he is on Chrissie's state of mind from what I saw of her in Emmerdale, "Do you really think she didn't know what she was doing?"

"What do you want me to say? That I want her to pay, I want her to suffer for what she did. She is my wife and whether you like it or not, I did love her; even in the end a part of me probably still did deep down. That doesn't mean I can forgive her or that I don't hate her for what she did. I will be happy if I never have to see her again. All I want is my life back Aaron, I don't want to go over it again and again. We're just beginning to move on, you can feel it, same as me. This will just pull me back to where I was and I'm not strong enough."

I'm shaking my head, I know he's strong enough, "You'll never move on without really facing what happened, your nightmares aren't getting any less Robert. Maybe you do need to see her, it could help and maybe she needs to face what she did; part of what she needs to help her get better. You can't keep running away from it, from home, from everyone who loves you. Robert I'm not so sure I can ignore this, I don't think you should either."

Robert bangs his bottle down on the counter, now visibly annoyed, "Okay, I respect your opinion. Now I'm asking you to respect mine, because if you can't then we have a problem."

"Alright, let's say then, that I go and testify and you don't. We're just going to carry on as if it never happened?"

"I don't see why not, it makes no difference to us. I understand why you want to go. I love you Aaron, I want to be with you; this shouldn't change that. I don't see why this changes anything."

"What if I want to stay at home, that we go back home? I left home once before, when I was running away from all my problems. I missed my family like you wouldn't believe. You have a family who loves you Robert, even Andy. You love them and you need them, you need them just as much you need me."

Robert looks at me accusingly, "We talked about this Aaron. You said you were okay with wherever we go. You said you don't care where we are, as long as we're together, that's what you said."

I'm upset that we're arguing when we need to be there for each other, but I'm not going to lie him, "I know and I meant it. I still mean it, I love you too. I just think it might be a good thing to go home, for both of us."

"No Aaron. If this is what you want and you keep pushing me, then you're on your own. It's not what I want."

There's an awkward silence, just the clinking of the teaspoon as I stir my tea. I hear Robert walk out and I rest my hands on the counter. I should have known better, that he would react like this; but for some reason I pushed when I knew I should have been more careful. The problem is, I miss home. I love Robert more than anything, but I miss Paddy and mum and having them to lean on for support. I need some time to decide what I want to do. It's not that I think Chrissie should be in prison instead of hospital, I want her to understand what she did was wrong and to say sorry. I want Robert to accept that what happened to him and to me wasn't his fault. I think we both need this, but if I go alone, I'm not sure we have a future. It's not as simple as Robert wants it to be. He doesn't realise it, but it would eventually push a wedge between us. It was the one of the things I learned from everything with Jackson, relationships are just never that simple.

.

Robert's already in bed, when I go upstairs. I undress and get in beside him. I'm unsure if he's actually asleep or just pretending when I push myself up against him and wrap my leg over his. I rest my hands on his face and I kiss his forehead, "I love you." I let my hand trail down his cheek and I know he's awake, I can feel the dampness from his tears on his face. He puts his arm over my waist and pulls me into him so our bodies are pressed up against each other.

"I love you Aaron," he kisses me and whispers, "but what if love's not enough?"

"What we have is already more than just love Robert, it's why we're together after everything. We don't take the easy way, neither of us; it's harder to work out, much harder, but it makes us stronger. I won't lie to you just because it's what you want to hear." I hold him close and kiss him softly on his mouth, "I have an idea. Will you trust me and let's see where we are in a couple of weeks time okay?"

He doesn't move or say anything. Although it's dark, I can see his eyes searching mine and he heaves a big sigh. I know he's feeling very confused even though he won't admit it. He's like I used to be, trying to make sense of everything and not making sense of anything, "I trust you Aaron, I think I trust you more than I trust myself right now." 

"I promise it will be okay, we will be okay." I pull him to me and we rest together, kissing occasionally until we fall asleep.

TBC


	16. Evie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron introduces Robert to someone he knows from his time living in France.

Aaron - Mid February 2016

I'd managed to get us cheap flights to Paris and we're now on the train rattling along towards Saint Quentin. I couldn't phone Evie to tell her we're coming, well because she doesn't have a phone; but I know she'll be fine. I'm actually really looking forward to seeing her. It will be interesting to see what she makes of Robert and what he makes of her.

I sit back down after stretching my legs and getting off the phone to mum. I only texted her yesterday and hadn't got round to actually calling, then I wasn't in the mood to talk to her when she started calling me again. I finally gave in this afternoon and answered the phone. "We're you going to tell me?"

Robert doesn't look up from his newspaper, "Take it you spoke to the lovely Chas?"

I smile at him, shaking my head. I knew he would be like this, "Yep. You did know she would tell me?"

"It doesn't change anything; just means I won't be home for a long time."

I push the newspaper down onto the table to get his attention, "They'll issue a warrant for your arrest if you don't go." He ignores me, "The lawyer said the seriousness of the case needs your statement and as you didn't give one before to the police, the judge wants you at the hearing. You can refuse to answer any questions, but you need to turn up Robert." I pause not sure if he already knows, "Apparently they don't need me to testify, just you." I give him a chance to say something but all he does is push my hand off the paper, pick it back up again and stares at it. The CPS want to prosecute her for murder, attempted murder and serious sexual assault. "Robert on the murder charge she's only willing to plead guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility. Look, she's already on a section 35 for psychiatric evaluation, but only you can tell them what she was actually like back then. Lawrence had already moved out, it was only you living with her." I sit down next to him and turn to the side so I can see him better, resting my head against the back of the seat and I continue quietly, "This'll decide if it goes to trial with a jury or if they accept her guilty plea and then it goes straight to sentencing."

Having let go of the paper, Robert remains silent and stares out of the window, biting on his thumb. He's refusing to look at me; I can't even begin to imagine how he's feeling. "Hey," I rest my hand on his thigh, "I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do; I'll be there for you whatever you decide. I'm just going to say this one time and then it's up-to you. When you want to talk, I'll listen; whatever you need, because you're more important to me than anything." He still doesn't look at me, "The lawyer said the evidence against her is very strong and if it goes to a jury, there's a good chance she'll get done for murder, whether you're there or not. So if you want any say over what happens you need to tell them your side; you need to be sure about not going and not giving a statement Robert." I lean over and kiss him on his cheek and I rest my head on his shoulder. He didn't acknowledge anything I'd said or done, but he was listening. It's up-to him now.

.

A couple of hours later and we're almost there, "Come on, not far now master Sugden."

"Where are we again?"

"France."

"Ha funny, that much I got; we're in the middle of no-where. Not a bar or a shop or anything in sight. I mean it really is no-where." He looks at me and puts his arm round my waist, "I didn't think you lived around here?"

"Well I did the last few months; I just didn't tell anyone, mum included. She'd just left and I wasn't very happy where I was so I ended up bumming around France for a bit. I landed here, kind of by accident," I pull a face, "hmmh literally." Robert looks at me curiously, "I stayed here until I went back home, which was mostly Evie's doing."

Robert's grinning at me, "So who is this Evie, some French bird becomes your BFF?"

I break out laughing, "Errm, not exactly. You'll see."

He peers over at me, he hates not knowing. "Anyway, I thought you went home to save Adam from himself?"

"I did, but I was coming home whatever; him being a muppet just speeded it up." I pull Robert by the hand, "Here we are."

We turn down a dirt track and he starts moaning again, "I don't see anything. We're still in the middle of no-where."

I tug him along, "You must have been a real joy on family outings and holidays. You know, one of those kids that mithered all the time?"

He looks sheepish, "No.....," I glance at him and raise my eyebrows, "Not really.....," I keep staring at him amused, "Well maybe a little bit." He grins at me. It's nice to be somewhere else after the last couple of weeks, a change of scene will be good for us. We finally walk round the last bend and we go through the farm gate, "You really lived here?"

I laugh again at Robert. Sometimes you'd never know he grew up on a farm, "Yes, I really lived here. It's not that far from town you know." I go and knock on the door, I don't hear anything. It hadn't entered my head that she might not be here, she's always here. I go round the back, calling her name. Robert's gazing around the farmhouse yard as he follows me. I see her out back, "Hey Evie. Salut, c'est moi, Aaron."

Evie stops and stares at me. She breaks into a smile, "Hah, mon petit Aaron," I kiss her on both cheeks. It's good to see her, she hasn't changed a bit. "Ça va?"

"Oui, ça va." I pull Robert by the hand to come and meet her, he's busy catching flies. This wasn't quite what he was expecting, "Je te présente Robert."

"Alors, bonjour."

Robert is still staring open mouthed when I hit him on the arm and he manages to find his manners, "Bonjour."

Evie smiles at me, "Il est mignon, n'est pas?" I laugh and nod. I take pity on Robert, "She speaks really good English too." He finally manages to close his mouth.

Evie motions us to the house, "Viens," I take the firewood she'd been carrying from her arms and we follow her into the kitchen. It's cosy and warm and she switches to English, "You want something to eat?"

I shake my head and look at Robert to check he's okay for now, "Maybe later. I was hoping we could stay a few days, I'll do some of the jobs around the place for you like before."

"Mais bien sûr, there will always be a home for you here, you know that." I nod, she puts her hand on my arm and she takes a moment with me, "It's very nice to see you Aaron."

"You too Evie, you too."

.

We'd got settled upstairs, Robert is beginning to relax and getting used to the feel of the house. It's old fashioned and faded, but comfy. He's bouncing on the bed, testing the springs out and grins at me, "Not too noisy." I laugh at him and pull him downstairs with me. I won't tell him about the shower until the morning, he won't be as pleased when he learns it only comes with cold water.

We make some food and Evie puts a bottle of wine on the table. She looks amused at Robert who's been unusually quiet so far, "So how did you and Evie meet then?"

"She ran me over." At this Robert stifles a laugh and I smirk across at him, "Seriously, she ran me over. I'd run out of money and had been hitching, I was walking into town to try and find somewhere to stay and maybe look for a job for a bit. It was dark and raining, she didn't see me."

Evie continues the story, "My eyes....., not what they were. When you get into your eighties Robert, you don't see the same." Robert's looking amused still. I'm distracted a little, thinking how sexy Robert's name sounds with the French accent, I'll have to try that out on him one night. Evie had carried on, "Poor Aaron landed in the ditch and I couldn't just leave him there. In the end he stayed for a while in exchange for doing some work." I can't help but look at her fondly as I think back to that first night, though I definitely didn't have any fond thoughts about it at the time.

.

*** One Week Later ***

"You're a crafty sod do you know that?" Robert slides me down so we are lying together on the battered kitchen sofa. Evie had just gone up-to bed; she had turned the light off as she left us sat snuggling in the firelight. I'm not sure if she did that out of habit or on purpose, but it's nice whichever.

"Don't know what you mean?"

He kisses my neck and whispers into my ear, "Oh I think you know exactly what I mean." I smile to myself, "You're just full of surprises, you know that Aaron Livesy?" Robert wraps his arms around me and hugs me to him, I rest my head against his.

"She has a habit of putting things in perspective, if that's what you mean? It doesn't make all the shit go away, she just helped me see what was important to me."

Robert gently nibbles my ear, "I saw you with her last night. Anything you want to tell me?"

I laugh at him, "None of your business."

"Okay, one day Aaron, one day you're going to explain." He bites my ear a little harder.

"Ow, that hurt. Robert, you'll just have to accept that some things I will never tell you and that's one of them." He lets it drop, he knows me well enough by now.

.

Robert turns so he's lying on his back, "I suppose she told you?" He had slowly become fascinated by Evie since we've been here. They had gone on walks together in the afternoons whilst I pottered round fixing stuff until they got back. It's no longer a working farm, but it still needs a fair few odd jobs keeping up with in the house and Evie is too tight to actually pay anyone from town to do them.

"Nope, she'll never tell me what you spoke about." I knew that Evie would get him to talk, she has that way about her. You find yourself telling her your whole life story. It hadn't been easy living here at first and it took us a while to get used to each other, not surprising considering we're both so stubborn. She wasn't used to having people around hardly any more and she definitely doesn't suffer fools; we were an odd combination, but somehow we clicked. She soon had me sussed, Evie is a very special person that way and I had opened up to her. There are some things I've told her that I've never told another living soul, not even Paddy. She has a story for everything, every emotion; pain and joy. The thing I realised after a while is, they're not stories; they're real and they were real people. Eventually I had worked out which one was Evie and she knew I had.

I'm pulled from my thoughts as Robert brings us over the bottle of wine and a couple of glasses. He sits on the floor in front of me, "You were right." I resist the temptation to fire back my usual sarcastic response. "I want to make a statement and I'm going to go to the hearing." He's staring into the fire, I think he's still coming to terms with his decision.

I put my glass down on the floor, "Do you know what you're going to say?"

He looks up at me, "I'm still working that one out, I need to speak with the lawyer more when we get home." I get the feeling he's not ready to talk more yet, but now he's made the decision, I don't think he'll backtrack from it. I'll have to remember to get Evie a bottle of her favourite calvados before we leave. Robert takes another drink of wine and lies behind me again, snuggling. My eyes are closing, the warmth of the fire and Robert next to me after all the wine are making me drowsy.

.

I feel Robert pushing and bumping against me and I can hear him moan, he's moaning my name. I'm half asleep still. He has one hand resting on my waist and I can feel his other moving. As I slowly open my eyes, I realise what he's doing. I turn my body slightly, his eyes are reflecting in the firelight as his mouth crushes onto mine. His jeans are open and he is wildly turned on from jerking himself off. Amused I turn around properly to face him, "Aaron, I'm close. I want to come inside you." He pushes me onto the floor onto my knees, I'm frantically pulling at the buttons of my jeans and I push them down. I've hardly got them down far enough and he's pushing me onto all fours. He drives inside me and I arch my back, crying out loudly; the lack of any preparation is painful, but it quickly disappears as I push back into Robert's thrusting. He comes very quickly and collapses on top of me, his hands wrapped around me, breathing heavily.

Still on all fours, I turn my head and smile back at him. He continues to push in and out of me, slowly, as he comes down from the high, his warm come now providing more than enough lubrication. He looks even more gorgeous in the firelight, not that I'd tell him though after such a rude awakening, "You couldn't wait for bed?"

He giggles quietly, still out of breath; the firelight almost seems to be dancing in his eyes as we continue to gently bounce against each other. "No. It's your fault. You shouldn't smell and taste so good, I couldn't help myself."

Robert stays inside me, kissing my back and neck, his hands caressing my sides. "So I noticed." I push back into him, "Strangely enough I don't feel tired anymore. I think I need entertaining."

He moves and pulls me out of my clothes, then I lean back on the worn carpet propping myself up on my elbows. I drink in his body as I watch him take off the rest of his clothes and then he kneels in-between my legs which are resting either side of him. I bite my bottom lip, getting more turned on as he slides his hands up my thighs and my front, kissing softly. I rest my hand on his head and try to push him down to my dick which has been hard ever since he pushed inside me, but he resists. He smiles at me mischievously, "Close your eyes."

TBC


	17. Home Sweet Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron return to Emmerdale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say I went dizzy looking at the mental health act and trying to understand how it works in conjunction with UK criminal proceedings, I have no real idea either on how the legal process works in the courts etc. so in the next chapters please accept that this may not be what would happen in real life, it's my interpretation for the story.

Robert - Late February 2016

It's raining as the bus pulls out of Hotten on the last leg of the journey home to Emmerdale. Chas and Diane know Aaron is coming home, but not that he's arriving today and we haven't told them about me coming with him yet. They probably won't be happy when they find out where we are staying either. We had discussed not staying in Emmerdale at all, but we agreed in the end if we are going to try and make this our home, then we may as well be here from the start. I'm still not sure how I feel about coming back to the village yet, but for Aaron this is home and he is my home, so we're just going to see how it goes. I'm very nervous, I feel as though the whole village will be like a court room, but judging me, not Chrissie. I suppose if anyone comes close to knowing how I'm feeling then it's Aaron after everything he went through when he was younger and it turned out okay for him in the end. The difference is, he has a tight family who he relies on. I'm not close to mine at all really, even with Vic we hardly know each other; I was just away too long and even before we were a disaster as a family.

I nudge Aaron's knee, "Here, before I forget you need your passport back." For some reason I had ended up with both his and mine after passport control at the airport. "You didn't tell me it was your birthday."

Aaron shrugs, resting his head against the window, "Mum was in hospital, you wouldn't let me in even though I knew something was very wrong; then when I found you in the bath....., it wasn't important."

"When things calm down and get more settled, we'll do something. I promise."

"It's yours in April right?" I nod, "Why don't we do something then and we can celebrate mine at the same time." He smiles tiredly at me. I wonder if he regrets ever meeting me; if we had the time again, would he have let me kiss him that night?

I rest my feet on the seat beside Aaron as we watch the villages roll by in the darkness, "Are you sure this is a good idea? Edna's not exactly Evie."

"She's okay. She has a room and we're going to need space from everyone. We'll get some quiet there which we won't at the pub or anywhere else." He grins at me, "She can act as our first line of defence for unwanted visitors."

Aaron had rung ahead and made the arrangements despite me expressing some doubts, "She'll make us sleep in separate rooms."

"She knows the deal, it'll be fine. Let's just say that me and Edna, we have history; so just trust me on this."

I snort in amusement, "What is it with you and old ladies?"

He smiles back at me "Must be my winning personality."

.

I have to admit Edna had been great when we got here yesterday. We had managed to avoid seeing anyone as we snuck in round the back, we don't want people knowing just yet that we're here. I need some time to adjust and Rakesh has arranged for me to give a statement to the police this afternoon.

I snuggle into Aaron, not quite ready to get out of bed and face the world yet; I feel safe when it's just the two of us. In France the nightmares hadn't been quite as bad or as often, but I was expecting to have a bad one last night with being back home. I didn't, although I woke a few times agitated, I had gone back to sleep fairly quickly. Aaron strokes his fingers through my hair, "We need to get you some more clothes and you need a suit for court. I could go to the house for you if you like? Do you have keys? I suppose I could break in."

"There's a spare set at the pub or there was." I hesitate, I hadn't been sure before but I am now, "I'm coming with you."

Aaron looks at me intently, but doesn't try and talk me out of it. "Okay. I'll see if I can get them without anyone seeing. I take it you still don't want to see any of the family yet?" I shake my head, I need to get through today first. I don't have the energy to deal with all of them and their emotions on top of my own.

.

Edna was already out when we got up. Aaron had managed to get the keys and we walk up-to Home Farm, taking the back paths so no-one sees us. I can't describe how I feel as we approach the house, my voice is bitter as we walk through the door, "Home Sweet Home." Aaron looks at me a little worried as he follows me upstairs into my room.

I leave Aaron to it as he starts rummaging through my wardrobe and drawers, putting some stuff in the rucksack we have with us; instead I look around the room. There's no bedding and I can tell it's been searched, nothing is quite where it should be. I had become possessive about my room and having everything just as I wanted it. It had been practically my only sanctuary for a long time, but she had even taken that from me. I go and lie down on the bed, hugging myself; I feel cold. Aaron walks in after getting my stuff from the bathroom, "Hold me." He comes and lies down beside me. "If it goes to trial Aaron, they'll all see. They'll all know what she did from the recordings."

He squeezes me and kisses my shoulder, "Yeah, I know, but you do know right, if they let her plead to manslaughter, she could get just a hospital order? She could be walking around in less than a year. Could you live with that? That can't happen if she gets done for murder."

Every time I think about the hearing, I get anxious. I don't know how I should feel about it, how I'll react seeing Chrissie again. "Do you think that's what would happen?"

"I don't know, suppose it depends on the judge and the psych evaluation. I'm just saying it's a possibility." He hugs me, "Come on." We go downstairs into the living room to make sure there's nothing in there I want. Aaron's leaning against the doorframe, "Do you know how the blood got on the floor in here and the kitchen?"

I shake my head, "I don't know, I don't remember." I find myself staring at the TV, I remember watching Aaron and the game she had enjoyed so much. I push the memory away and take one final look around, "I don't remember the room being trashed either. Maybe she did it after? Maybe she saw the camera and that's why she came to the pub for you?"

"Maybe....., but then why didn't she smash up the computer? It didn't look like the office had been touched."

"I have no idea Aaron. I suppose if the camera was at the right angle, it'll be all on there." I shudder at the thought that other people will have watched what the cameras recorded.

He's watching me as I walk around, "You want some time on your own? I could go see mum. She's been ringing constantly, she must have heard the ringing tone is for here, so she knows I'm back in the country."

I look across at him, "No, I don't want to be on my own. I want to see in the cellar, I want to see where I was."

"Are you sure?" Aaron seems uncertain if that's a good idea. 

I nod, "Yes, I don't want to come back here ever again after today; so yes, I want to see." 

.

I take Aaron's hand before we go down the cellar steps, the air's cool. I don't remember her bringing me down here. I don't remember her putting me in the box. God knows how she got me in there, I'm not exactly easy to lug around.

Aaron knew enough from the police where I had been found. We walk down to the far end of the cellar to where we had stored the quality stuff, the wine and champagne to keep for special occasions. I don't think I came down as far as this section since we first moved in. There is a little side room off to the left and this is where she had put Lachie's body, locked in an old metal trunk. I'm quiet as I walk around. I can't imagine what size the trunk was, but I'm a lot bigger than a fourteen year old boy. I remember there wasn't much room, suddenly I feel myself start to panic and I fall onto my knees, struggling to breathe. Aaron comes to me and I cling onto him until I eventually calm myself back down. We move to lean against the wall and Aaron holds me in his arms. I find myself curious, "Do you know what she did with Donny? They found him here as well right?"

Aaron is stroking my arm gently with his hand, "Yeah, I don't know how they found him though. Just that he'd been dead for about a year, the same. She shot him, with his own gun. I'm not even going to ask why he had a gun."

"He was into all sorts of shady stuff, liked to think he was a player. They'd been apart for a long time." I ponder on this a moment, "They always got on though, even years after. The whole family was a weird set up when I think about it. I mean who lives with their father at that age anyway?"

"She never knew....? About you and him?"

"No."

"You spoken to him?"

"Briefly before we left France. He was trying to find out if I was going to the hearing. I didn't tell him we were coming home, he'll find out from her Barrister anyway." I look around the room. It's empty apart from an old table on the far wall and a couple of wooden chairs, the rest must have been taken away. "Do you think she used to come down here?"

"She told me that she used to come talk to him....., Lachie, about stuff, about you. She said she liked that he couldn't talk back any more."

"Hah, he was good at that. He had an answer for everything."

My mind wanders back to Christmas, "I wonder if she actually went to Portugal at Christmas or if she just stayed here. I mean Lachie had been dead almost a year; I never asked Lawrence, I didn't want to talk about it with him." I pause, "That reminds me, I rejected the house; Rakesh is going to sort it. I also found out that one of the cars is actually registered in my name, I thought they were all under Lawrence's. We can sell that and then at least we'll have some money. I take one last look around the room, "Come on. I've seen what I want to see, let's go."

We go back upstairs and I grab the car keys off the hook. After locking up I push the house keys back through the letterbox and we then drive into Leeds to the police station. Aaron's coming with me to give my statement, I don't think I can do it without him. Maybe the judge won't want to question me at the hearing once they have this, but I get the impression that he will. I'm scared shitless about giving the statement, about what they know.

.

It was quite late when we left the police station and I was exhausted. Aaron had driven home and we picked up a takeaway on the way, so we just parked up outside Edna's when we got back. You can't really hide an Aston Martin in Emmerdale. After eating I came to bed, I needed some quiet time and sleep.

I'm woken by a commotion downstairs. I sigh as I hear Paddy and Cain trying to contain what sounds like Diane, Chas and Vic, with Edna doing her part in holding them off. I hear her saying, "Give them time."

Voices were rising and Diane sounds agitated, "We knew Aaron was coming home, but not Robert. They should be with us, with family." Vic is clearly upset, "I want to make sure he's okay."

Aaron walks into the bedroom, he must have been in the shower as he's towelling his hair dry. He'd heard, same as me, "You want to see them?"

I feel guilty as I shake my head, "Not today, it's too much." He nods and goes downstairs. It soon goes quiet, he must have taken them out and up-to the pub or somewhere else. I went back to sleep more or less immediately and I never heard Aaron come back in after. I suppose it wasn't a surprise the nightmare was bad after everything from earlier in the day; it came again and again, every time I wake up screaming. I was almost too scared to close my eyes. At one point I think Aaron was struggling to contain me, I was thrashing around so much. Who knows what Edna must have made of it all, probably half the village heard me.

.

I did eventually go into a deep sleep last night and it's mid afternoon when Aaron wakes me. "Hey, sleepy." I smile at him, not remembering at first where we are as he kisses me, but then my smile fades. He passes me a mug of coffee and climbs onto the bed beside me. "How would you feel about seeing Diane and Vic later, just them on their own?" I blow into my coffee to avoid giving an answer straight away, "You have the hearing tomorrow, you'll see them there anyway." He puts his hand on my arm to get my attention, "You can't ignore them forever Robert; we talked about this, we knew it was going to be hard. You can do this, I know you can."

I wish I felt as confident. "Where?"

"Wherever you want, I was thinking at Vic and Adams." 

I nod, "What about Andy?"

"I wasn't sure if you wanted to see him so I kind of fobbed him off, saying I didn't want them all crowding you." 

"Thanks." I lean back against the headboard and rest my head on Aaron's shoulder, "What's everyone saying in the village then?"

He smiles at me, "You think they're going to tell me? Everyone seems glad we're back, curious about tomorrow I reckon."

I don't want to dwell on tomorrow, I still don't feel ready, "I'm going for a shower." I get up off the bed and pull him up with me, planting a sloppy wet kiss on his mouth, "You fancy joining me, it might help me relax?" I kiss his neck and then return to his mouth, my hands moving to his bum.

Aaron smirks at me, "I think I could be tempted, depends what you're offering?"

I tease him, "Come and find out." I pull him by the hand after me. 

TBC


	18. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert re-connects with his family.

Robert - Late February 2016

I'm squeezing Aaron's hand so tight I'm surprised he doesn't say something as we walk across to Keeper's Cottage. It's dark out already, but I'm busy focussing on the road and my feet. I dread the thought of meeting anyone and having to look at them. Being back here scares me, that everyone knows or think they know what happened, I don't want people's pity. Aaron said that people quickly move on; they don't forget, but for him things that he did or happened, it's like they faded into the background. I believe him, but we're not that far along yet. I have to face my family, court and then after that there's the pressure of what I would do for a job, where would we live. It all feels too much when I think about it. When we get to the gate I stop, holding back as I stare at the house. Aaron looks at me. "I don't know if I can Aaron. What do I say? I've no idea what to say to them." I can feel my panic rising. I don't want to go in, I don't want to see them.

Aaron puts his arms over my shoulders and cradles my head close into him, "It's okay to be afraid. They're not going to judge you Robert, they love you." He kisses my head, "They just want to see that you're okay."

I feel sad at this, "I'm not though am I? I'm not okay."

"Well, you're not jumping around with the joys of spring just yet, but you'll get there. Have some faith Robert, let the family help; you'll feel better for it, I promise."

I bring my head up, I push away the urge to cry and take a deep breath. "Okay, come on, before I run a mile and never come back." Aaron smiles at me, he strokes my cheek gently with his hand and I manage to smile back at him.

.

We don't bother knocking, they've probably been watching out for us. Aaron goes first, he glances back at me and squeezes my hand as we walk into the living room. Vic is sat in the armchair and Diane at the table. It's awkward as I shrink away from Diane when she comes towards me as if to hug me. She stops as she sees me do this and instead sits down on the arm of Vic's chair. Vic hasn't moved, she is just quietly watching as Aaron sits us down on the settee. I don't hardly let anyone touch me other than Aaron. I've been hiding away from the world this last few weeks; I'm going to need time to get used to being around people again.

I daren't let go of his hand, but I nod to Aaron when he looks at me and mouths at me, asking if I'm okay. It's quiet, no-one is quite sure how to start at first until Diane breaks the silence, "Andy sends his love." I nod, but I don't say anything, "We're glad you're both home." I'm trying to hold down the anxiety that's rising inside me, my breathing is getting tighter. Aaron can sense my fear and nervousness and he squeezes my hand again as I look away from them, blinking away the tears that are beginning to well up, before they all see.

Aaron takes over the conversation, "We went to Home Farm, got some of his stuff, suit for tomorrow, Robert's favourite music. Though not quite sure why he likes all that weird jazz stuff."

I turn to look at him, shaking my head, "Idiot."

He grins at me, "Well, it just sounds like a load of noise to me, not exactly tuneful is it?" I have to laugh at him, as he pulls a face at me.

"Dad liked it, I grew up listening to it." I look at Diane, "You remember on a Sunday night, he used to go hide in the front room with his favourite record and a whiskey."

She smiles at me and nods, "He was not to be disturbed, it was his quiet time. I didn't know you liked it, you always used to moan about it sounding terrible."

I shrug my shoulders, "I was just a kid, you change as you get older." I let out a big sigh, "You going to make me a coffee then sis and if you have some of that lemon drizzle I like so much, I wouldn't say no." For the first time Vic moves and before I can stop her she comes over to me and gives me a hug. I don't push her away and when she releases me, I can see she's crying as she gets up and rushes into the kitchen. Aaron lets go of my hand and after squeezing my knee he follows her, leaving me and Diane alone.

.

Diane comes and perches next to me, she doesn't try and touch me. I look at her, I can feel my tears welling up again, "I tried to tell you....., I couldn't. I didn't know how." I don't try to stop the tear I feel falling down my cheek. "I was too afraid of what she would do to the people I love." The tears start tumbling down both my cheeks and I lean over and rest my head and shoulders on her knees; she wraps her arms around me, cradling me as I cry. It feels good and despite my tears, I start to relax.

Diane strokes my head, "Grief does strange things to people and a mother's pain at losing a child must be unbearable, all that guilt....."

I brush away my tears with my hand, sniffling, "She wasn't like that before, she was fun and loving. She was so good to be with. I never imagined being with anyone else, you know? I thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives. I didn't want to give up on her, but by the time I realised I couldn't help her, it was too late, she was too far gone."

I wipe my eyes as I see Vic and Aaron come in with drinks and cake. I smile weakly at them both. I don't move from Diane's arms, Vic comes and sits next to us; she leans over resting her head on mine and kisses my forehead. Aaron sits on the chair arm, just watching.

.

Eventually we move and Vic passes out the drinks whilst Aaron dishes out cake. Vic gives him a telling off for cutting wedges rather than sensible slices, he just grins at her and hands out the plates, "If you don't want it all, I'm sure either me or Robert will eat it. It won't go to waste Vic."

I'm not ready to talk to them about what happened, it's too soon; Diane asks me how I feel about tomorrow. I look at Aaron nervously and take a deep breath, "Don't know. I don't know what it'll be like seeing her again. I don't really know what to expect."

Vic asks, "How come they're having a preliminary hearing? Why isn't it straight to the plea hearing?"

I lean back into the settee, "It's where the judge will decide if she's fit to plead. There'll be the doctors who have been assessing her and he wants to ask me some stuff because I didn't give a formal statement before."

Vic looks at me intently, "So Aaron said she's not wanting to plead guilty for murder, I mean she'll get locked up for a long time anyway right? She's admitted killing them, she tried to kill you and Aaron."

I shrug, "Depends how ill they think she is, how ill she was last January already." I feel anxious again, "I don't know Vic."

Vic can see I'm upset thinking about it, "Sorry."

I smile at her, "It's okay. I just want tomorrow to be over. I want it all to be over so we can get on with our lives." I look over at Aaron, "Decide what I'm going to do. You don't need a barman do you Diane? Apparently, in the end I was alright at it."

"I think we could arrange some shifts for you, if that's what you want?" She looks at me unsure if I'm being serious.

I half laugh, "I don't know. I've no idea what I want at the minute, except to be with Aaron. Anything else is too far away."

"You take your time pet, as long as you need." Diane looks between me and Aaron, "I didn't know you....., well you know, swung the other way?"

I can see Aaron blushing and I smile at him, "I had a few encounters when I was younger, nothing serious though. It just kind of happened between us, I fell in love." I smile at Aaron and he smiles back at me.

Diane asks, "Are you going to see Andy?" I don't say anything and Diane rests her hand on mine, I pull back a little and she lets go, "He's worried about you."

"I know." She lets it drop and the conversation moves on. Eventually I make a motion to Aaron I want to leave. I'm tired and tomorrow will be a long day, I want to go back to Edna's.

.

As we walk down the path, Aaron stops me and kisses me, his hands resting on my cheeks, "I love you."

I kiss him back, "Do you regret meeting me? Letting me kiss you that night?"

"No, never. I've not felt like this about someone for a long time, if ever. With Jackson it was different, I was a different person then. It might sound weird, but I know who I am now and I know what I want. I want you, I want to be with you."

We kiss, a long slow kiss. We only stop when we hear someone walk past up the street, coughing. We smile at each other and head off back to Edna's. We sit a while, chatting with her before going up-to bed. The nightmare comes, not as bad, but it's just as real as if it was happening all over again. Aaron holds me in his arms and calms me down each time it wakes me; it's exhausting.

.

Aaron makes sure I'm awake nice and early. He knows I hate rushing in a morning. We finish breakfast and he catches me staring out of the window. He comes over to see what has my attention. I give him a quick kiss, "I'm going out for a bit." I give him another kiss, "I'll be back in time, don't worry." He nods, he knows where I'm going; I'd been watching Andy walk down the street.

I go out and follow Andy, finally catching him up as he reaches the Landrover. "I was just going to check something up at the farm." He hesitates, "You want to come?" I nod and get in the other side to him.

It's quiet as we drive, but instead of going up-to the farm, he takes the route to the quarry. We used to spend hours up here playing when we were kids. We come to a stop in the bottom of the quarry and get out. I lean against the Landrover and tilt my face upwards, the sun is shining. The fresh air feels good, I like days like today when it's cold and crisp out. Andy comes and leans against the Landrover next to me. I glance at him, "Aaron said you got my letter."

He nods, shuffling his feet when I look at him properly this time. "I don't know what to say Rob," he looks down at his feet and then to me, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry we weren't there for you when you needed us."

"You weren't to know. I hid it from everyone, even Aaron for a while."

"You'd never think that someone like Chrissie would be capable of doing all that. Some of the things you told me in your letter....., what she did to you. Rob we saw what she was like that day with Aaron in the pub. The way she was with him....., she was....., she was cruel." 

"Cruel, twisted." I look at him, "She liked to hurt people, everyone I think in the end. I felt so helpless Andy, she used my fear for my family to control me. I knew she had the contacts, I never doubted she would use them. I couldn't let anything happen to you and Vic. I gave her what she wanted, but she still tried to kill Aaron." I bang my head gently back and forth against the Landrover, the thought that I could have lost him hurts badly. "He could have died, all because we fell in love." I close my eyes. 

.

I open my eyes again hearing Andy speak, "You're still together?"

"Yeah, I don't know where I'd be without him." I reflect a minute, "That's not why I'm with him though, I fell in love with him Andy. Maybe in another world I would never have acted on it, but even without everything with....., what happened with Chrissie; I fell in love with him because of who he is and how he makes me feel."

"He's alright Aaron, I'm glad you had him at least." He pauses before continuing, "Vic says you're planning to stick around after?"

"We're going to try. Aaron wants to be in Emmerdale. I'm not so sure, but we'll see."

"It can't be easy coming back after everything....., for either of you. Andy shakes his head sadly and moves away from the car; he walks around, his hands in his pockets. "Where are you going to live?"

"Don't know, it's actually alright at Edna's for now, if she doesn't throw us out." He looks at me confused, "We both have nightmares, I'm surprised if half of the street doesn't hear."

"We could use another pair of hands at the farm, if you're interested for a while? Just until you get sorted and decide what you want to do."

I haven't worked on a farm in over ten years, I don't suppose you forget though. "I'll think about it......, thanks." He nods and I look at my watch, "We need to get back, the hearing starts at ten."

Andy catches my arm before I get into the Landrover and he hugs me. I can't remember the last time we hugged, but it's a very long time ago. "Don't ever be afraid if you need me; you're my brother and I love you. If you ever need to talk Rob....."

I let out a big sigh, "I know. I love you too." I feel a tear fall and I move to wipe it away. "Come on, Aaron'll give me a right telling off if I'm late back." I grin at Andy who is shaking his head at me smiling. I wonder if dad is looking down on us and what he would be thinking. God knows what he would make of it all.

TBC


	19. Nowhere To Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert gives his deposition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have tidied up the last few chapters, especially chapter 14, which reads a lot better now. I had been rushing to finish before my holiday, but real life took over and I ran out of time. I get back on Friday, so the last chapter will hopefully be up at the weekend.
> 
> I don't enjoy writing courtroom stuff but I think in this case it needed to be touched on. Then there will be just one more bump to come in the last chapter, let's see if the boys find a way forward.

Robert - End Feb 2016

I come out of the toilets back into the waiting gallery and I see Becca, Chrissie’s sister, has arrived at court. I had forgotten how much alike they look, there’s no mistaking that they are sisters. She sees me and walks over, “Becca.”

She attempts a smile, “How are you?”

“Wishing I was somewhere else.” An awkward silence follows, we never really knew each other that well; she was always off away somewhere or other. I can't remember the last time I saw her.

“You not going to ask how she is?” I don’t answer. Aaron is stood across the way with my family. I see him watching us, looking curious who I'm talking to. She nods her head in his direction and I hear the bitterness in her voice, “Is that him? Your boyfriend?” I still don’t respond and just stare away in a different direction. I feel Aaron trying to connect with me, but I intentionally avoid his gaze. Becca continues, but her tone is a little less harsh, “This isn’t easy for any of us you know.”

“You know what Becca, I don’t want to know how she is; I want to forget I ever met her. She destroyed my life, so no I don’t give a crap about how hard this is or how you’re all hurting." I realise I'm getting angry, my voice rising. I switch it down to be much quieter, but there's an edge still as I try and hold back my emotion, "You have no idea….., no idea what it was like with her all those months, the things she did. Where the fuck were you huh?” I start to walk away. Becca reaches out putting her hand on my arm, but I bat it away angrily, “Don’t touch me.”

I hadn’t seen Aaron come across and he puts himself between us. I’m angry, I’m really angry. His face is inches from mine, “Walk away Robert, come on, just walk away.” I'm shaking as he puts his hands around my waist whilst I continue to glare at Becca. Lawrence arrives, sees us and comes over in our direction, but all I do is glare at him. I can feel the tears welling up as I relent, letting Aaron guide me away from them and outside onto the steps of the court building.

“Who was that?”

“Becca, Chrissie’s sister. She just….., she just….., oh I don’t know. I’m angry and I’m tired Aaron. I’m tired of crying. I hate being a victim, I hate it.” I rest my head down on his shoulder and he holds me.

Aaron moves his arms protectively round my head as I hide, burying my face into his neck. “I know. It’ll be over soon and then we can focus on the future, on us.” I nod, unable to stop a stray tear escaping. He looks at my watch, “Come on, we should get back in; it won’t be long before they start."

.

The court usher announces they are ready but I have to wait outside until I'm called. Aaron squeezes my hand, “Do you want me to wait with you?”

I shake my head, “No, you go on in. You can tell me all about what they say after.” He nods, giving me a quick smile and kiss, but he can sense my apprehension and that I don’t really want to let him go. He puts his hands on my face and we kiss more deeply. It’s intense, charged with the emotion of the day. I fail miserably at attempting a smile, “I’ll be okay. You go.” He gives me a last quick kiss before finally going through the door.

I actually welcome the peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and compose myself whilst I wait my turn. It takes quite a while. There’s the presenting of the case evidence and then the two medical experts are before me to testify if Chrissie is fit to plea and give their psychiatric reports.

Eventually I’m called and follow the usher into the courtroom. It’s the first time I’ve seen Chrissie since that night at the house. I can feel her watching me as I make my way to take the witness box. Strangely now that we are in the same room, I don’t feel anything; I don’t hate and I don’t love her. It’s like she’s pushed me so far emotionally that there’s nothing left to feel. When I’m in place I finally look directly at Chrissie and I wonder what she’s thinking. I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t realise the Judge had started talking to me. “Mr Sugden……, Mr Sugden? Are you okay to proceed?”

I nod, “Sorry….., yes Your Honour.” I take the oath before starting my deposition.

.

“Mr Sugden, today is about ascertaining if the defendant is fit to plead and it is my duty to determine the right course of action for all concerned. This means taking into account the best interests of yourself, the defendant and the wider community within the constraints of the law. Do you understand?”

I nod and let out a big sigh, “Yes Your Honour.”

“I appreciate this must be very difficult for you Mr Sugden. The Crown Prosecution are requesting to move the case to trial for murder, there are additionally the charges of attempted murder, serious sexual assault and actual bodily harm. I have studied the case notes at length and your recent statement to the police. That the defendant committed the acts is not in question, nor being denied. What is in question is whether the defendant was mentally impaired at the time of the act of homicide.” I nod, staring at the floor to avoid looking at anyone in the courtroom. By now my life with Chrissie has been put on public display, there is nowhere left to hide.

“Mr Sugden, do you consider you had a happy marriage prior to January 2015?”

I take a deep breath and look up, “Yes."

“But this changed?”

“Yes."

“When would you say your wife’s behaviour started to change?”

I look at Chrissie, she looks well. Her features and expression are softer than I’ve seen for many months. She’s looking at me, but it feels more like she’s staring right though me. I suppose she’s on some sort of medication. I look at the judge to answer, “She started drinking more during Lachlan’s trial at the end of 2014, I hadn’t really noticed just how much at the time. Lachlan was supposed to start boarding school in the New Year. I thought things would get better after that, but the drinking just got worse. She became moody, controlling. Then when Lawrence, her father, when he left she started being violent.”

“Hmmh, reading the statement from the School Head, the complaints received were considerable and they refused to take him.”

“I didn’t know that at the time.”

“Had the defendant been previously violent with you or her son?”

“No, never.”

“Mr Sugden, how would you describe your wife’s state of mind back in January 2015?”

“She was stressed and tired after going through everything with Lachlan’s trial; we all were. She was angry with him. She’d struggled with what he’d done and all the lies. She was angry with me for siding with the school.”

“Do you believe she intended to take the life of her son, Lachlan?”

I can feel Chrissie watching me intently now and our eyes lock, “No. I don’t think she meant to kill him, she loved him. This was why it all hurt so much that he had lied to her.” Chrissie doesn't react at all, but I can tell she's listening carefully.

“One final question. Do you believe that the defendant is a danger to people in the wider community?”

I hesitate, not quite sure how to answer, “I don’t know. I just know she needs help.”

"Thank you Mr Sugden. Does the prosecution have further questions for the witness?”

“No Your Honour.”

“Very well. Mr Sugden you may stand down. This hearing is adjourned until two pm this afternoon when I will give my final decision."

.

*** Afternoon ***

We are all sat once more in the courtroom as the judge prepares to deliver his decision. Chrissie is sat in the dock and I’m with Aaron, gripping his hand tight. I don't think I actually care what he decides, I just want it all to be over as quickly as possible.

“Concerning the Crown versus Chrissie Sugden, the medical reports confirm fitness to plead and is accepted by all parties. The evidence presented together with the plea indication makes the facts of the acts undisputable. It is beyond reasonable doubt that the acts were carried out by the defendant. I believe it is of no benefit in subjecting any of the involved parties to a trial process. Consequent to statements from two medical experts, the defendant’s mental condition is a clear mitigating factor in that I will accept the plea of guilty to two counts of manslaughter in addition to a guilty plea of attempted murder, serious sexual assault and actual bodily harm. I will accept that it is highly likely that psychotic symptoms were present at the time of each homicide, impairing the ability of the defendant to exercise self control. The plea hearing and sentencing will take place in one weeks time.”

That was it, it was over very quickly. As I watch Chrissie being led away, I thought I saw a hint of a smile, which makes me shudder. Aaron is also watching quietly. I don’t think either of us were surprised with the decision, we just have to wait and see what sentencing now gets handed down. Once outside the courtroom, Becca rushes past us, clearly upset and I see Lawrence come into the corridor. He stands watching us, I know we need to talk. “Aaron, you go ahead with the others. I’ll meet you back at Edna’s.”

Aaron hesitates, he doesn't look particularly happy, “Are you sure? I could wait for you?”

I shake my head, “There’s something I need to do, I’ll be fine.” I give him a quick kiss, "Please Aaron, I have things I need to say to him." He nods reluctantly and I walk over to Lawrence.

.

We head out in silence and go into the wine bar round the corner where we'd ordered a bottle. We smile at each other, putting our glasses back down on the table after taking a large drink. I think we had both needed it.

“Becca is just trying to cope Robert, don’t be angry with her for loving her sister.”

“I’m just tired Lawrence, I’m tired of thinking about it all. During the day it doesn’t stop, all the things she did and said; it's all day, every day. Even when I’m with Aaron, she’s there and I have to push her away out of my head. God, I don’t know what he’d think if I told him that.”

“It’s good between you though?”

“Yeah, I love him. It’s good, he’s good.”

“It’ll get easier Robert, you just need to give it time.”

I take another big drink of wine, “I should have told you myself about Home Farm....., sorry. I’ve taken what I want already and put the keys through the door. I don’t want anything else, it just reminds me.”

“It’s okay.” He studies me a minute. “Why do I get the feeling this is goodbye?”

Lawrence always could read me better than most. I look away for a minute before speaking, “I know we go back a ways and in the beginning I leaned on you after leaving hospital....., thank you,” He smiles sadly at me, “but I can’t help you with Chrissie. Maybe one day I’ll change my mind. Aaron thinks I need to hear her say sorry, but I don’t. I just want to move on and find some peace, rebuild my life.” I hesitate, “I’m going to file for divorce.”

There’s a silence between us and Lawrence looks as tired as I feel, “I can’t say I’m surprised. I wish it were different, I wish I’d listened when you told me about the drinking.”

I shrug my shoulders, “It was already too late, I just didn’t know it. It is what it is, it’s not anyone’s fault in the end.” I down the last of my wine and get up to leave.

Lawrence catches my arm, “I hope you find what you’re looking for Robert. I hope you and Aaron are happy together.” I simply nod at him and walk silently out into the street. I hadn’t specifically said goodbye, but he was right, that’s what it was; I needed to sever the connection completely.

I wander round the shops for a while, watching everyone go about their daily life. I wonder what secrets they carry with them. Eventually I head to the bus station to catch the bus back to Emmerdale. I need Aaron to hold me and I really need to sleep.

TBC


	20. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert struggles to find peace with himself.

Robert - Night of the Hearing

“Please Aaron, don’t be angry. What did you want me to say, that she was a psycho alcoholic who deserves everything she gets? I don’t want to go through a trial, I don’t think I can handle it. Why can you not see that?”

His look is accusing, I know what he's thinking, “I don’t believe she didn’t know what she was doing. She should get done for murder Robert, that’s what she is....., a murderer. She killed her own son, her ex and tried to kill both of us and you....., you're so fucked up that you just let her have a way out.”

“Aaron you didn’t know her before, she was fun and kind. She had a temper but that was just like me. They won’t give her just a hospital order, they can’t surely?” I go to kiss him, but he pushes me away. I desperately need his comfort to ease my doubt. I need him to tell me that I did the right thing, but all I see is a scathing pity. “She’s not a bad person Aaron, she just needs help. I’m not going to condemn her to a murder charge if I don’t think she meant to do it and I don’t think she did.”

“You’re as bad as she is, letting her get away with it all this time, just because you were a coward, too scared to speak out,” Aaron looks away from me in disgust as he turns to walk away.

“Aaron please, I need you, please don’t go. Come back......, Aaron....., Aaron please. I can’t do this without you.”

I’m crying as he spits the words at me, “You’re weak Robert, you let your wife use you; she made a fool of you. How did you not see it? I mean seriously, why would I want to be with someone as fucked up as you. You said you loved me, but you let her try to kill me, I almost died. Why did you let her try and kill me Robert? Maybe you were into all that and really you got off on it, maybe that’s why you kept quiet?”

“No, it wasn’t like that, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to stop her. You have to believe me Aaron, please.....,” but it’s too late. I know I’ve lost him as he walks away, ignoring my pleas as he fades into the darkness.

.

“Hello Robert,” I feel Chrissie’s breath on my neck as she whispers to me, “Did you really think you could escape? You know there’s nowhere for you to hide, I will always find you. I told you, I’ll never let you go; you belong to me." She smiles at me taunting, her hand seductively gliding down my front, stroking my dick, but I don’t respond to her touch. “Can’t you see Robert, no-one wants you; you’re damaged goods. I mean look at you, you can't even get it up any more." She stops stroking, "I don’t want you, your family don't want you, even Aaron doesn’t want you anymore and there was you thinking he loves you and that he would help you. You’re no use to anyone, why would anyone care? Let’s put you back in your box where you belong Robert, out of sight and out of mind.”

I’m whimpering, sobbing quietly, “No Chrissie, please....., I’m scared when you put me in there. Please I don’t want to.” I can’t seem to stop her as she walks me backwards and pushes me down inside the box. She’s stroking my hair as I lie there unable to move, “Sshhh, it’s okay Robert, it’ll soon be over.” I go quiet as she strokes her hand down my cheek, “That’s better, there’s a good boy.” She leans over and kisses me, forcing her tongue into my mouth, one final victory over me before standing back upright. I can’t move or speak as she smiles down at me, watching my fear intensify as she pulls down the lid, “Sleep tight Robert, don’t let the bugs bite.” I scream silently as the lid closes, plunging me into the darkness and isolation. I hear her laughing at me as she clicks the padlock, locking me in. I feel my already acute panic rising until it takes over completely. I can’t breathe, this can’t be happening, it can’t be, not again. I feel like I’m suffocating, there’s no room to move. Oh god, I’m going to die. It’s so dark. I’m soon exhausted from the effort of trying to punch or kick a way out, instead all I manage to do is hurt myself. The box holds fast, preventing any chance of escape. I’m hyperventilating, unable to calm down. “I don’t want to die, please don’t let me die. Chrissie please, I’m begging you.” All I can picture is Chrissie’s face, smiling knowingly. She’s won, she always wins. I can’t breathe, “No....., no.....” I’m fighting hard, kicking and screaming for all I'm worth.

.

I'm all alone in the darkness with the memories. I imagine her from that day in the kitchen when she forced me to go down on her, but in my head I don’t give in. I’m breathing heavily in anticipation, imagining my hands wrapped tight round her neck. Her eyes glisten with amusement, just as they did that morning, confident I won’t do it; but this time she’s wrong. It’s her turn to feel death’s shadow as I tighten my grip around her neck; I feel nothing but relief as I squeeze the life from her.

“Robert....., Robert....., let go; you're killing him.....” I hear a voice in the distance and feel a tugging on my shoulders but I ignore it; I know it's a trick, I know what I need to do. I feel her trying to push me away, her hands grabbing at mine frantically to try and force me to release my grip, but I hold on tight. I'm determined to end her life, Chrissie deserves to die for everything she did to me. I won’t let go, not this time and I feel the rush of adrenaline, a sense of victory and relief as I feel the body beneath me start to relax.

The blow to my head is sudden and I hit the wall violently. Immediately everything stops as I crash to the floor, winded. I put my hand to my head and can feel the warm stickiness of my blood trickling from where I was hit. I lie still, trying to get my breath back. When I try to lift my head, the pain forces me to rest it back down onto the floor and my eyes close as I drift into unconsciousness.

.

I must have been out only a few seconds, my head is pounding and I'm still breathing heavily as I open my eyes. I squint from the bright ceiling light hurting my eyes, forcing me to close them again. Instead I listen to the noise around me, trying to work out where I am. I can hear talking, but it's just noise; I can’t make out what’s being said.

I feel increasingly anxious, I need to know what's going on and force myself to focus. I open my eyes again whilst trying to lift myself up off the floor. I move onto my hands and knees, but I have to pause an instant pushing down the wave of nausea that hits me so that I have to rest my head back down on the floor until it's passed. The voices start to get clearer as my dulled senses begin to recover. I open my eyes again and look up, but I wish I hadn’t. I sit up and lean back against the bedroom wall, panic and confusion taking over, my fingers digging into the carpet beneath me.

Aaron is laid on his side, with his hands holding around his neck, curled into a ball on the bedroom floor. His face is crimson red almost and he’s coughing really badly, retching, desperately trying to draw air into his lungs. Edna is by his side, leant over him, trying to help him calm down and breathe normally. I stare at them in horror as I see blood trickle from a cut above his eye and he has the beginning of a black eye as well as a cut lip and these are just the marks that I can see.

I look down to my trembling hands and see bruising and blood on my knuckles and scratches on my arms. Petrified, I quickly shuffle away as far as possible into the corner, hugging my knees to me. I’m shaking as I watch them, filled with horror as I register with disbelief what I’ve done.

.

I haven't moved an inch, almost frozen as I watch Aaron on the floor gasping for breath. He's leaning against Edna, who is incredibly calm as he slowly recovers and begins to look more normal. He shifts his body and lifts his head to look at me. I see him wince in a lot of pain from the movement and my gaze moves to the smashed lamp on the floor to the side of them, then back to my hands; I feel sick. I can't bear him looking at me, the shame washes through me and without saying a word I get up as quick as I can. I'm swaying, dizzy from the sudden movement and have to hold still a moment. I manage to keep upright as I lurch against the bedroom wall, steadying myself with my hand and I force myself forward. I bolt out of the door as fast as I can, down the stairs and outside. I can hear Aaron call my name, his voice raspy, but I don’t stop. I'm stumbling as I run, my vision all blurry, almost tripping up and falling as I crash through the gate of Andy and Vic's. I bang constantly on the door, yelling for them to let me in.

Andy opens the door, still half asleep; although it's the middle of the night Adam is close behind him as I barge into the house in tears. Everything is a blur and I can't hear what they're saying, but I'm pulled back to reality hearing Aaron's voice at the door. I stare at Andy pleading, “Don’t let him in, please Andy I don’t want to see him.” Andy and Adam both look bewildered, uncertain what’s going on. Aaron is pushing to come in, but seeing how upset I am, Andy stands firm and holds him back, moving him out onto the doorstep, refusing to let him in. I hear Adam talking to Aaron outside and then suddenly it goes quiet. I slide down the wall onto the floor with relief, my entire body is shaking violently, the shock of what I've done now fully taking hold. Vic is standing at the bottom of the stairs, watching as Andy pulls me into his arms and I sob uncontrollably. He doesn’t say anything, he glances between me and Vic as they try and guess what's going on. Andy holds me tight for what feels a very long time until my tears stop.

.

I hear Andy talking to me, “Are you hurt Robert?” I’m in a daze and don’t answer at first, “Rob, talk to us, what happened?”

I brush away my tears, sniffling as I sit up. I pull myself away from him, hugging my knees tightly into me and rest my head on my knees. I shake my head in shame, I can't look at Andy or Vic. I can't get the words out at first, I'm still struggling to come to terms with what I've just done. “You'll hate me. You'll both hate me."

Vic crouches down by my side, "We can't help Robert unless you tell us what happened."

"I....., I think I tried to kill him. I was having a nightmare, I thought it was Chrissie, I thought it was Chrissie." I put my hands over my face in shame, the tears coming again, "Oh god, I had my hands round his throat. I didn’t even know I was doing it.” I’m getting really worked up and agitated again. Vic and Andy are sitting on the floor either side of me, trying to offer comfort. I take my hands away from my face and look at them both in horror, “How could I do that? It was a nightmare, but it wasn’t, I was really doing it." I let out a sob, "I can’t lose him, he’s the one person who keeps me sane.”

Vic wraps her arm over me, "Shhh Robert, it'll be okay. Just concentrate on you for now, Adam is with Aaron, he'll be fine."

"How do you know, how do you know he'll be fine?" I can hear the panic in my own voice. I look at Andy and Vic, “I love him, how can I do that to someone I love?” My voice becomes a whisper and I look at Andy, “I don’t want to be like Chrissie. What if he leaves me? What if he doesn't want anything to do with me?" I curl up on the floor, nothing that Vic or Andy say can console me.

.

Robert - Morning

Vic puts a mug of coffee down on the table in front of me. Once my tears had subsided, we had tried to go bed and sleep, but I hadn't been able to close my eyes; I was too afraid. Adam didn't come back last night, he must have stayed with Aaron. My panic has finally calmed, but it's been replaced by fear. I'm very scared, scared of myself, what I am capable of and scared of losing Aaron.

Andy is sat on the chair arm and I look across at him, "Andy, how do I make it all stop? I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do. I've never been this bad before, never.....; what if I lose him….. I can't lose him."

"You need to get some help Robert, real professional help."

"I tried before, in Portugal, but I couldn't. I couldn't talk about it."

Vic puts her hand on mine, "It's not the same now though. You have talked, you've told the police and Aaron knows everything right?" I nod my head, "and you've seen Chrissie which is what probably triggered last night."

I smile weakly at Vic, "Maybe."

Andy pulls my attention back to him, "You don't have a choice Robert. If you want to move on, then you need to find some peace. I know what it's like, I know what it feels like to hurt the person you love. The difference is, you didn't know what you were doing, you were having a nightmare. It's not the same, you weren't in control."

I shake my head, "Does that make a difference though really? I hurt him really badly Andy, really badly. I don't know what to do, what do I do now?"

Vic squeezes my hand, "Adam texted, Aaron's okay. He's worried about you Robert, he wants to see you."

I get up, my chair falling backwards and I pull away from them, leaning against the back wall putting as much distance between us as I can. I'm afraid, my answer practically a whisper, "I can't. How do I face him after what I did?"

Vic looks at me, "He loves you Robert, he knows you didn't mean to hurt him."

"What if it happens again, what then?"

Andy comes over to me, "It's why you need to get help Robert, so it won't happen again. You can't think about that just now. You need to talk to him Robert." I nod, I know he's right but I'm exhausted; I'm not ready to face Aaron or anyone just yet.

.

I had managed to get a couple of hours sleep before coming for a walk, I need some fresh air. I'm so confused, I wasn't even awake I don't think. It's a really scary feeling knowing that I can do something like that and not even be aware I'm doing it. I haven't really been walking anywhere in particular and find myself in the graveyard. I walk up and sit by dad's grave, silently asking him what I should do; apologising for letting him down, for letting everyone down again.

.

Aaron

I watch Adam go back across home as I sit down at the table with Edna, wincing from the pain where Robert had caught me on my ribs.

"Are you sure you don't need to see a doctor?"

I grimace, "I've had worse Edna, believe me, I'm fine. It's Robert we need to be worried about." My entire body is hurting, normally in a fight I would beat the crap out of Robert, but last night, he had a strength I don't even think he's aware he has. "Are you okay? I'm sorry Edna, if I'd known it would have been this bad, we would have stayed at the pub."

"You don't have to be sorry Aaron, neither of you. I can't imagine what he went through. It can't have been easy yesterday seeing her again, after everything."

"No, but his nightmares haven't really been getting any better. I should have known something like this might happen." I take a drink of my tea "I don't blame him, but I don't know how to help him. He needs more than me, but he wouldn't talk to the counsellor when he went before. I don't know if I can get him to see someone." I look across at Edna, she never gives much away of what she's thinking. I had realised a while ago that she's alright under all that bristle and she's been good to us since we've been here, "I'll pack our stuff and we'll go to the pub or somewhere....., I can't ask you to....." I let my words trail off, "Thank you....., I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't stopped him."

Edna puts her hand on my arm, "I'm just glad that it did stop him. I'll pray for you both."

Edna sees my look, she knows neither of us are religious, "I think we might need a little more than a prayer Edna." I had seen the fear in Robert's eyes last night after he had realised what he had done. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. "I need to see him, get him to talk to me."

"He's going to need you even more now Aaron, you know that?"

I nod, "Yeah, I just need him to let me in... he can be stubborn when he wants to be."

"Sounds like someone else I know." I smile at her, "Aaron, you don't have to go. You are welcome to stay as long as you both need. I'm not going to suddenly abandon you when you need it the most."

"Thanks." It's been good here to have some distance, but I can't let us put Edna through that again at her age, we were lucky last night that he didn't hurt her as well as me. "Just let me find him and talk to him first. Then we'll see."

"You could come with me to the church first?"

I give her a look as if she's mad "Not my thing Edna."

"We all need something to hold onto Aaron when things get hard, you know that better than most." Edna grabs my hand and squeezes, taking me a little by surprise, before she goes and gets her coat.

I look across at her, "Make that prayer a good one, just in case." She gives a slight smile and a nod before going out of the door.

.

Adam had texted to say Robert wasn't at the cottage and had gone for a walk. I grab my coat and head out to look for him. There aren't that many places he can be, I know pretty much his usual routes but I stop as I pass the graveyard and see him in the distance.

When I get to him, he's sat on the wet grass, leaning against his dad's headstone. He glances at me, but then looks down, refusing to look at me, "I fucked up again, can't seem not to....., sorry....., I'm so sorry Aaron."

I shove my hands into my pockets, the early morning air is damp and it sends a shiver through me. The silence lingers. I look back down at Robert and I can see he's crying. I put my hand out, "Come on. There's someone I want to introduce you to."

Robert shakes his head, "You should just leave me, I'm not worth it Aaron."

"Not your decision to make. Now give me your hand and get your arse up off the ground, before I make you."

He hesitates, but he puts his hand in mine and I pull him up. We walk over to Jackson's grave, Robert gives me a curious look. "You know about Jackson right and that I helped him die?"

Robert nods silently and waits for me to continue, "I didn't handle things too well back then, I didn't want to be gay and I hated that I wanted him. I kept pushing him away even though I wanted to be with him more than anything and I hit him, I hurt him badly and Paddy. I beat the crap out of Paddy when he worked out I was gay and he got me to admit it. I hated it, I hated myself." I look at Robert, "What I'm trying to say is I know how it feels to lash out at someone you love. They didn't give up on me though, it took a while and a whole load of other stuff, but I came through it. We will too."

Robert shuffles his feet, pulling his hand out of mine, "I don't want to hurt you Aaron. I didn't even know what I was doing until Edna whacked me over the head with the lamp. What if it happens again? I couldn't bear it. It makes me just as bad as Chrissie."

I grab hold of his arms tightly, he looks away from me but I shake him gently to get his attention back, "No.... you are nothing like Chrissie Robert, don't you ever think that, not ever." I can see the sadness in his eyes and all his self doubt, "It's not going to be easy, you need to get some help, me too probably, but we will get past this. I'm not going anywhere Robert." I move my hands to his face, pulling it round so he has to look at me, but his eyes are still avoiding mine. "I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved before." I look down at Jackson's gravestone, strangely it doesn't feel odd saying that here. I know he'd understand. I shudder with the cold, Robert doesn't respond, "Come on, let's go home."

I start to turn, but Robert pulls me back, finally looking directly at me. He traces his fingers across the bruising on my face, studying me quietly. I know he's struggling inside, a mix of love and fear. I kiss him and he pulls me to him, holding onto me tightly, but seeing me wince he releases his hold. "I think I should stay with Andy for a while or you go to the pub.... just until we're sure I won't do it again."

I shake my head, "Nope, I'm not going anywhere and neither are you."

"Aaron I won't be able to live with myself if I hurt you again."

"You won't."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I just am. Anyway, I could just tie you down to the bed each night. Just think of what I could get up to, have my wicked way with you." I grin at him mischievously.

I see a hint of a smile as he shakes his head at me, seemingly in despair, "Aaron Livesy, who knew you had a kinky side."

I grin at him, "There's lots you still don't know about me Robert Sugden." He smiles at me properly for the first time, but the quiet is deafening and his smile fades. "Come on you. I'm cold." I tug him by the hand towards the village. "By the way, you owe Edna a new lamp, something a little more up-to date though, seeing how we're going to be living there for a while." I know Robert still has doubts, but he knows I'm as stubborn as he is and he doesn't have the energy to argue with me. I take his silence as acceptance, for now.

.

Aaron - 22nd April 2016

In the end we didn't go to the sentencing. We had got as far as the courthouse but Robert had refused to go in. We had stood quietly whilst he decided what he wanted to do and I hadn't pushed him one way or the other. Instead we got on the first train out of Leeds we could catch, getting off in York and stayed overnight. We went out, working our way round a few pubs, had a curry and then worked our way round a few more pubs until we were quite drunk by the time we went to bed. We didn't talk about the sentencing or Chrissie once; we talked about the future and what we were going to do, we had a laugh playing darts with some people we had got talking to in one pub. We lost badly, but we didn't care. It was just really nice to see Robert smile and laugh. On the Saturday, we had a long lie in and enjoyed walking round York, the weather was quite nice out. Robert had insisted on going for cream tea, but it was me that stuffed my face until I could hardly move I had eaten so much. Robert had just sat amused, watching me.

We hadn't been so relaxed since being with Evie and it had felt good. I knew then that we were going to be okay, we both knew. Robert didn't have a nightmare which he was relieved about, but probably that had more to do with the fact that we couldn't keep our hands off each other and had made love most of the night until we were completely exhausted. As much as Chrissie had abused Robert, it didn't seem to have stopped us having the most amazing sex. It's like each time is our first, needy and intense. The only thing that is different, is we know each other's body completely and know just how to turn each other on, pushing each other to the edge and holding it there for as long as possible until that touch just at the right moment releases the sensation of pure ecstasy.

We finally found out about Chrissie's sentencing on the Saturday night when we got back to Emmerdale. I found Robert reading the article in the paper that Edna had left out for us. She had got 20 years minimum detention in a secure hospital facility, the judge had imposed a section 41 not just a hospital order. The report on the Judge's comments said although she was suffering from mental illness she had been aware and that the acts committed were violent and deliberate. If she recovers within the 20 years, she'll go to prison and won't be released until a parole board says she is no longer a danger to the public. Robert was quiet the rest of the weekend when we got back and didn't want to talk about it. I think he was glad it was over, but he had loved her very much and I could sense the sadness in him.

.

"Oi, be careful will you, we can't afford a new one if you damage this one." I grin at Robert after he almost dropped for the second time his end of the bed we are carrying into our house.

"It won't break Aaron, well unless it's from the excessive amount of sex we are going to have on it."

Adam who is supposed to be helping us navigate moving our new bed into the house sticks his fingers down his throat, "Eww... too much info....., definitely too much info." Robert and me look at each other laughing at him.

We've both been going to counselling since the beginning of March and the difference in Robert is clear; we've had a few sessions together and then some on our own. Robert looks healthier than I've seen him since he moved to Emmerdale. I think it's helped by the fact the nightmares are getting much less frequent; we actually went the whole of last week without one at all. He's been doing some hours up at the farm and some shifts at the pub which has helped him get a lot of his confidence back so that he's started applying for full-time jobs and has his first interview next week.

Living at Edna's had been good, but we missed the privacy of our own space. We had got more than the odd admonishing look from her some mornings after we had been a little too noisy during the night. She knew well enough that we couldn't blame it on the nightmares, she might be getting on in life, but she's not stupid. We had enough money from the sale of the car to put down rent and caution money on a house in the village that had just freed up; we are just moving in.

.

I go into the bedroom, seeing Robert putting his jumper on, "You ready Mr Sugden?"

He comes up and wraps his arms around me, "We could just stay here and go to bed with those strawberries and champagne you bought."

"We will.... just later when we get back. That's if you can stay awake that long. I mean you're an old man now that you've hit thirty."

He looks at me with mock offense, "Old man.... did you just call me an old man?" I smirk at him. "You will pay for that later Aaron Livesy."

"Oh yeah?" I rub myself up against him, teasing him.

"Yeah, I am so going to make you regret that." He pulls me tighter into his arms and we kiss, a sloppy wet kiss which turns into a make out session that goes on a little longer than it should. His wandering hand has me raging hard and I've pushed him down so his mouth is pushing against my crotch. I can feel the pressure of his tongue through my jeans and I want more, but instead he suddenly gets up and walks to the door. "Come on, we wouldn't want to be late to the party. Vic and Diane have gone to so much trouble, it would be impolite for the guest of honour to be late."

I stare at him, my eyes pleading, he knows how turned on I am and that I desperately need to get off, "You can't just leave me like this....?" He grins and turns, walking out of the door. I'm practically begging, "Robert......, Robert?" He just keeps grinning as I follow him downstairs and he opens the front door, "Oh, you fucking arse..... I hate you."

I'm seriously tempted to jerk myself off, but I resist, Robert just smiles at me, "Ahh....., the impatience of youth." However instead of going outside, he pushes the door back to and he grabs both of my wrists tightly so I couldn't touch myself even if I tried. He whispers quietly in my ear and tells me what he's going to do to me later when we get home, which really isn't helping my hard on go away, "......, but only if you're a very good boy Aaron."

I crush my mouth onto his and we kiss deep and intense before pulling out breathing heavily, "Yes, god yes.....; I promise to be good, really good."

"That's what I thought you'd say." He smiles at me mischievously as he holds my hand and we walk up the road to the Woolpack. I squeeze his hand quietly smiling to myself, still feeling slightly uncomfortable as my hard on is lingering. I'd never have thought six months ago when he first started working at the pub that we would be living together, but now we are I can't ever imagine being without him. My smile turns into a big grin. I know he's going to taunt me all night at the pub, making we wait until we get home, but then I know he's going to drive me wild all night in bed and I can't wait.

.

When we reach the pub door, Robert stops me unexpectedly and pulls me to him, his hand stroking through my hair and down my cheek, "I love you Aaron," I'm about to say it back, but he stops me putting his finger over my lips, "No.... just listen. You changed my life when I fell in love with you, you gave me hope. You saved me Aaron...., in more ways than you'll ever know. I've found who I am again and I couldn't have done that without you. I know I won't ever be able to thank you enough, but I will love you and take care of you for as long as I live." 

I stare at him, his speech has caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting this and I'm not quite sure what to say. He smiles at me and starts to go into the pub, "Come on you, you can buy the old man a birthday drink, before I die of thirst."

I laugh, but I catch his arm stopping him from going into the pub, "I don't ever want to be with anyone else Robert, no-one's ever made me feel like I do when I'm with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, do you understand.....? Forever." He looks at me quietly and nods, then he takes my hand and giving it a quick squeeze we go in together through the door.

Today is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks for all the warm and supportive comments. Hopefully I made the story sufficiently believable, this was always my biggest doubt. It was definitely a huge challenge for me making Robert the victim and Chrissie the abuser.
> 
> I wanted to write this, but it was quite hard at times partly because there isn't a lot of opportunity to lighten the tone. I find the darker themes interesting to write because they push the human psyche to the edge, then it feels good that Robert and Aaron have the strength together to find a way to cope and move forward. 
> 
> Anyway, after such a dark theme with this story, I am really looking forward to writing It's A Funny Old Game, which will be a lot lighter AU story, though it will have some angst. Lets face it, it wouldn't be Robert and Aaron without at least some angst.  
> EDIT: Apr 2016, having almost finished It's A Funny Old Game, well it started off light and then got so much darker than I ever intended. I can't seem to help myself.  
> Hope you enjoy....  
> Caro


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